To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

[Summer1980US]

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

When our DDs were small we sat down and agreed that we were both entitled to time to pursue our own hobbies, but within reason. So, we organised it so each of us had one weekend morning to do with what we wanted (he played football, I mostly slept in!) and one weekday evening to do what we wanted with. The rest of the time we were BOTH parenting, and we'd negotiate it - whoever wasn't doing bedtime (which we took in turns) would have a whizz around to make the house vaguely presentable so when we came to sitting down of an evening it was in a calm environment. We also had one weekend away each per year.

Read him the riot act. Lay out your expectations in terms of his involvement, and point out that he'll be doing a lot more if you divorce him. It's absolutely not true that men are less involved with DDs or DC - but some will take the piss if you let them.

I’d seriously question if he even likes you. What sort of relationship or family life is it if he is not interested in spending any time with you? What is the point if you are never doing anything together? Just tell him you’ve had enough.

Maybe he thinks he'll get more involved once they're a bit older? By which stage you'll be very resentful and the DC won't have bonded well with him. You need to tackle this unfairness asap. Unfortunately, the childcarer and cleaner are probably making him think you've nothing to complain about. You do.

And no, men are generally not less involved with their children.

Are you sure he is playing golf? My Dad played golf until he was 82 and never needed a nap afterwards, I would be very suspicious if my husband needed a nap after a round of golf.

did he even want children once again i ask myelf why they bother is it just to prove they can breed

you both work ful time so it should be 50/50 yes-you should get every other saturday off

Move this thread to relationships OP and you will get good, practical advice. YANBU.

Are men not generally less involved? Working longer hours, women more likely to work part time? Society expecting women to do the bulk of childcare, etc etc?

I’m actually horrified with how much he is taking the piss and how much be clearly thinks it’s acceptable. It is not. He’s a shit father and a shit husband, it’s that simple. Not a hint of fairness here or any respect for you. No way in hell should he be getting that much time to himself every single weekend when you’re also doing way more during the week and getting no similar time to yourself either. At least one weekend day should be a family
day altogether, and if he wants his 9 hours golf and nap session he can do it alternate weeks and you have the same amount of time to yourself the opposite weeks.

And for what it’s worth - my husband does a pretty equal amount of parenting (adjusting for the fact I work part time and he doesn’t) and we both get equal alone/out time. He’d never dream of behaving how your husband does and would judge a man who thinks this is acceptable. Not all men are shit.

He is absolutely taking the piss. At the ages your children are, I would tolerate one Saturday golf session, with NO nap afterwards about once per month. Kids at this young age are relentless and you need a proper break at the weekend considering he has very limited contact with them during the week and you do 99% of everything. Your life changes when you have kids and he needs to suck that up and parent his children and be a much better husband to you too. Good luck

And this is why mumsnet is full of single parents with dads seeing them every other weekend (that will bugger his golf schedule up) !!!! But at least you get time to yourself. !!! I divorced my first husband when I was 28 for similar- except it was football.

I know men are generally less involved with DD

No, parents who aren’t interested in their daughters tend not to be interested in their sons as they’re generally crap parents.

You can have hobbies and have time for your children and partner, I’m a sportsman (we’re literally all abroad right now for two weeks so I can play), my husbands a cyclist and runner. We both have time for school drop off, pick up, play, bath time, bedtime, clubs etc.

I have rugby training and/or a match every Saturday in the season, but it doesn’t take all day and I would usually take my son so my husband only has the baby at home on his own. He tends to run in the evening when they’re either in bed, or I’m home from work. Sunday morning is generally his main cycling time.

He certainly is, OP. When mine were younger, DH used to pop out in the summer after bedtime to play.
He only played every other week on Saturdays and took them out when he came back.

He takes them on the golf course when he goes on weekdays now.

Your husband is being very unfair. He’s spending far too much time outside the house xx he’s being selfish. Have you raised this at all?

He's shirking his share of the household and childcare responsibilities, and putting family last.

He is a husband and father, but doesn't think his life should have to change and expects you to do it all. While you work full time, too.

He's a selfish arsehole. There is no other way to look at his behaviour. None.

I'd tell him things change immediately or he can pack his bags and get to fuck.

He is taking the piss hugely.
And you are letting him.

New plan:

Golf once a month.
One Saturday to yourself a month in return. He can take them out so you can be in your house on your own if that's what you want.

Other 2 Saturdays are planned together family time.

Before you know it there'll be clubs and parties at weekends and he'll need to take turns with the ferrying about for this.

Time to reset expectations or you will end up justifiably resenting him and divorced.
Tell him that and that he needs to wise up because things are changing.

What's the point of him?

Your kids will be learning damaging lessons from you both-Men don’t parent. They are worth less to their father because they are girls. Their father doesn’t like them. It is a woman’s role to run themselves in to the ground to pander to a man.

How does this deadbeat enhance your life? How will you mitigate the damage to your kids having a father who’ll do anything possible to get away from them? If you divorced the deadbeat you’d be free of him and would have lots of free time

We try and balance out having "leisure" time and naps. Alternate lies ins on weekends. If my DH was out all Saturday one weekend I would expect close to a full day back next weekend etc. Sometimes he'll take the kids out so I can just be at home. Honestly it doesn't work as evenly as that, sometimes I'll do a couple of things on evenings and he'll have a weekend where he's quite busy etc. I tend to get up with DC , he tends to have them a bit later in the day so I get a bit of a break then. My relationship isnt perfect, I do more housework and carry much more of the mental load, but we do try and have fair breaks/rest. Sometimes I just go to look round the shops or for a swim to make sure I get my "break". Maybe start by suggesting you want to go swimming and are going next Sunday afternoon and then just be out for 2 or 3 hours ?

You sit him down and tell him you need to to participate more, but give him an idea of what you need rather than being vague.

Like.. stop the nap after morning golf, clean up after dinner...etc.

Why would OP let him know what she needs? He knows exactly what’s required to parent and run a home, that’s why he’s opted out.

Yeah he's taking the piss, I suppose he can't do much about weekdays if those are his working hours but playing golf both days every weekend? That's a liberty and he clearly just views it as your job to look after the children. Mine are older now but when they were younger me and DH spent most weekends together doing things with the children, if either of of us wanted to something on our own. with friends etc we'd always double check with the other that it was OK/we didn't have plans because childcare was both our responsibility

Move the Sunday afternoon babysitter to Saturday so you get a few hours to yourself.
TBH I've never heard of people getting afternoon babysitting for couples time - particularly with a DF who already spends so little time with his DCs.

Do you know why he is behaving like this? because he can. because you facilitate it. He isnt just going to one day wake up and stop doing this. the only way this appalling situation is going to change is if you make it change. He is selfish and behaving as if he didnt have children. he is at best a part time dad. be straight with him now. tell him if he wants to play golf on the weekend its one day and on the other day you get the same amount of time to do your hobby. you might want to go out as a family on that day, see a friend, go for a swim or the gym. but put these rules in place now. If you dont then you will always be the mug who does everything, is exhausted and no quality of life. dont be the mug any longer.

Yes he's taking the piss but you're letting him!
Sit him down and talk and say it can't continue as it is right now.
Of course he's going to carry on like this if he's allowed to!