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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

338 replies

Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 10:31

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

OP posts:
Maybeebebe · 12/08/2022 11:05

toddle?? toddler

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 12/08/2022 11:08

His own children only see their dad for a few hours a week? He's really neglecting their relationship..
He's letting them down and taking advantage of you.
He cares about golf more than his family.

Everanewbie · 12/08/2022 11:09

I don't think golf every weekend is too much. Weekly isn't much to ask assuming he's not going to football twice a week etc.

As long as you get chance for your hobby/relaxing time, which it sounds like you're not. But unless he's driving a long way to play, I reckon those timings show at least 2 hours in the bar.

A compromise of maybe play his round, 1 drink, then home to do his bit. Not nap for 2 hours.

PonyPatter44 · 12/08/2022 11:10

If he is home at 6.30, does he do baths and bedtime? Or does he just sit about until the kids are in bed,and then start looking for his dinner?

Original poster
Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 11:10

diddl · 12/08/2022 11:01

But he does bath/bed every night washes up/loads dishwasher if you've cooked?

He needs to stop with the naps!

Is he not interested at all in the kids?

I actually lol’d at this. I bloody wish!

He never baths the DDs. I always put DD (1) to bed and we rotate putting DD (3) to bed.

We don’t eat together as he is home late so again I generally clean up after dinner and he will start the dishwasher once he is finished his.

I think he is interested in kids, but thinks at this young age a few hours at the weekend suffices. My youngest is very super clingy to me and I’m starting to suspect it’s because I’m the only parent she sees.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 12/08/2022 11:14

Why does he need to be away 7 hours on saturday? Round of golf doesnt take that long. And no golf on a sunday.

JassyRadlett · 12/08/2022 11:15

First step: when he gets home from golf dont give him a chance to go for his required nap, the second he gets through the door tell him you're shattered and heading for a nap. What would he do in that scenario?

I'm a bit gobsmacked by the Sunday afternoon babysitter, he only really has Sunday afternoons with them and even then he doesn't?

DPotter · 12/08/2022 11:15

I remember DP having a bit of a go about me returning to FT work when DD was small. Great says I, so we'll need to agree who drops off and picks up from nursery / pre-school, who covers any sickness. I'll want one day at the weekend for myself - don't mind which. At the time DP was like yours playing golf both Saturday and Sunday. DP says he can't possibly do either drop offs or pick up or sickness ever. He was told in no uncertain terms that until he did pull his weight, I'd be working part time in order to care for our DD and that he's better get used to the idea.

You know the man is taking the piss and he probably knows he's pushing his luck. Stand up for yourself - don't ask for time off. Tell him it's happening, and negotiate the when not the if. If not you can point out he'll be looking after the children every other weekend following your separation / divorce.

As an aside - if I ever become head of state (Queen, president, whatever) one of the things I will be introducing is the mandatory requirement for golf clubs to provide creches at the weekends so fathers can take their children with them when they play. It's either that or banning golf completely

Original poster
Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 11:18

Mally100 · 12/08/2022 10:51

I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

This is the problem right here. Its your mentality. Why on earth do you think and tolerate this? You believe in some nonsense like this and enabling him.

I know you are totally right on this point. When we had children I always expected childcare would be 50/50 split. But somehow I’ve ended up here, and I’ve no idea how to roll back from it.

OP posts:
IrisVersicolor · 12/08/2022 11:19

Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 11:18

I know you are totally right on this point. When we had children I always expected childcare would be 50/50 split. But somehow I’ve ended up here, and I’ve no idea how to roll back from it.

Show quote history

You read the riot act.

ChsmpagneWannaBe · 12/08/2022 11:23

You both work full time.
Why are you even doing it all.
He is a cocklodger sorry

AperolWhore · 12/08/2022 11:25

Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 11:18

I know you are totally right on this point. When we had children I always expected childcare would be 50/50 split. But somehow I’ve ended up here, and I’ve no idea how to roll back from it.

Show quote history

@Summer1980US you just stop, plain and simple.

Start small, stop cleaning up after dinner. Eat, put your plate on the side then go get a shower.

Tell him that next Saturday you’ve made plans and will be leaving as soon as he gets home from golf.

There is nothing wrong with him having a hobby as long as you get equal family time together.

Tigofigo · 12/08/2022 11:27

Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 11:18

I know you are totally right on this point. When we had children I always expected childcare would be 50/50 split. But somehow I’ve ended up here, and I’ve no idea how to roll back from it.

Show quote history

Men are not generally less involved. At least the men I know.

If this was a friend, what would you say to her to do / say?

Do that.

Ottersmith · 12/08/2022 11:27

Oh my god why is Mumsnet full of posts like this? Are they even for real. Why did that twat of a husband even have kids if he doesn't bother to see them? He would see them more if you left him and your life would be easier. Why would you stay with a man who couldn't give a shit about seeing his own kids?

Tigofigo · 12/08/2022 11:28

Hang on - he plays golf sat AND sun, for a total of approx 9 hours?

Does he get the DC up and ready on the weekend?

knittingaddict · 12/08/2022 11:36

I know men are generally less involved with DD

Honestly, where did you get this idea from? At ages 1 and 3 there is literally no real difference between boys and girls. We only had girls. Do you think my husband was disinterested or unengaged with his daughters? He wasn't, I can assure you.

Yes, he is taking the piss.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 12/08/2022 11:37

being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this

This is your issue. No they are not. My DH took DD for her swimming lessons at that age. Not me. He did as much as me at the weekends. You BOTH need time to yourselves. If he has Saturday you should have Sunday. Why are you putting up with it?

youlightupmyday · 12/08/2022 11:44

Fucking golf. I lived overooking a course and commented on the M/ F ratio to my partner. It is time privilege and men get it, not women, and it completely pisses me off. He is a golfer and acceded the point.

When discussing with our new neighbours, who have young children, the husband, also a golfer, said a friend acts like OPs husband and that there was no way that would fly in his house. He was also judgemental on a man who spends that much time away from his kids. So there are decent golfers/ men out there. Apparently.

Buythebag40 · 12/08/2022 11:44

My dh is like yours OP. Except I have brought up 4 dc's almost single-handedly.

They are now grown up and I'm seriously considering divorcing dh as I feel resentful about so many things. The 12 hour (often unnecessary) working days and then yes, golf at weekends and then going off to potter about in the garden, work in his shed and never lifting a finger to do fuck-all in the house.

Sort it out with him now before you end up wanting to punch him in the face every time you look at him!

Cannotmakeadecison · 12/08/2022 11:49

LOL at him needing a nap after playing golf while you’ve been up all morning entertaining, feeding and generally preventing mayhem from occurring with the kids. Seriously, he needs to be told he’s behaving like an immature twat and he can come back from golf and take the kids straight out to give you some relief. Sack off the Sunday golf and the babysitter and he can take the kids out on Sunday afternoon so you can have a break.

Not all husbands are so selfish and you need to stop enabling his behaviour.

jamsandwich1 · 12/08/2022 11:50

That’s terrible. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that. You must be exhausted.
The nap would tip me over the edge!

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2022 11:51

Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 11:18

I know you are totally right on this point. When we had children I always expected childcare would be 50/50 split. But somehow I’ve ended up here, and I’ve no idea how to roll back from it.

Show quote history

Sit him down and ask him how he'll manage 50% of the childcare when you're divorced <not joking >

diddl · 12/08/2022 11:56

Honestly it sounds like Downton Abbey where the kids are kept away all day & presented for a couple of hours!

BlueReindeer · 12/08/2022 11:56

Any other reason for staying in the relationship?
ask him like a PP suggested about why he gets child free time and you don’t, why is his time more valuable than yours? That you use the babysitting time now for sleep as your so exhausted and if he stepped up then maybe you could have couple time again. But why stay? Let him do some childcare.

WhenDovesFly · 12/08/2022 11:57

I feel your pain OP. My husband was exactly the same. We both worked full time and I also did most of the housework and childcare. He would go out golf for hours on Saturday and Sunday. If he wasn't golf he was out on his motorbike.

He's now an ex-husband because he refused to allow me equal downtime, and wouldn't step up to parent his children or do his share of housework.