To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

[Summer1980US]

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

@Getoff So, in your opinion a man doesn't have to do or know he should be doing 50% of childcare for his own child unless his wife/partner spells it out to him before the baby in conceived and he agrees to it? Interesting.

Me and my DH didn't have such a conversation because I didn't think he was some sort of moron and I was right

Total pisstake.

Golf once or twice a month would be a good compromise with you having equal time to yourself on the weekends.

My friend is married to one of these guys. He’s a cycling knob though and often takes a nap in the afternoon 🙄

I do think as well that "busy job" is a bit of a cop out too. I don't think it is fair that a parent works more than their contracted hours on a daily basis (i.e. not a one off to get a project over the line type of thing). when the other is struggling. The family needs are way ahead of the company's need. Doing his contracted hours only would ease the burden on you massively, and an extremely reasonable early game of golf on a saturday (less the obvious boozing and subsequent nap) would be less of an issue

Yes, I think it should be obvious to anyone of very average intelligence that if you agree to have a child, you're agreeing to share the parenting of that child, whatever it entails.

A lot of people don't fully realise pre-DC how much work children are, so the reality can come as a shock - but saying "this is more work and harder than I expected it to be" is different from saying "I didn't agree to be a parent". And it certainly isn't an excuse not to do your share.

It can't hurt to spell it out can it? As early as possible?

The OP would be in a much better position if she had made it clear to her husband he would need to make significant sacrifices if he wanted children.

Most likely they wouldn't have had children. He'd be happily playing golf and she'd be doing the things she wants to do. Win-win.

If they had decided to have children he'd know up front weekly golf was not acceptable. Again, win-win.

I wouldn't be in the sort of relationship where I felt my partner/husband was that stupid in all honesty. If he turned around to me and said "You know Arya when we have a baby you won't be able to go out as much as you did before, do you agree not to?" I'd think he was patronising and that he thought I was stupid so it wouldn't occur to me to treat him like that either.

No men aren't less involved with their kids unless they choose to be and for some inane reason the other parent allows it. We have 3 and I work part time. I would never be OK with your dh's lack of involvement and for me that would actually be a dealbreaker! How can you not be resentful? Granted you have a cleaner and babysitter so get a break more than some but if it's not what you signed up for you need to have words. It's not a life I would be OK with as you are effectively parenting solo. What kind of message does it send out to your kids?

You would be an absolute idiot if you had more kids with him. You need to have a sit down chat before the resentment spills over or you end up wearing yourself out. I simply don't think he has respect for you if he can see how tired you are nit won't curtail his hobbies to help. Quite frankly I think hobbies are for when kids are in bed and weekend is family time but that's just me.

On the one hand someone gets patronised for 30 seconds.

On the other hand children are brought into the world when both parents aren't totally 100pc committed and two lives are irredeemably spoiled.

Tough call.

He's a shit husband and a shit father.

Why are you allowing him to behave like such a selfish waster?

Yes, why isn't this nipped in the bud with the initial 'Are you fucking kidding me??' conversation.

So many women suffering in silence, seething and just hoping he'll realise and change.

Set your own boundaries and expectations don't go along with his and just resent it.
Yes that's him being a dick, but you being passive and weak.

Doesn't sound like a very close marriage. Not only is he spending time away from his own children to play golf, he is also choosing to spend time away from his wife.

Red flags OP. All the red flags.

What a sexist attitude you have

Yes, it's funny how women don't need the consequences of having children to be spelled out to them beforehand.

Why do we persist in treating men as if they're particularly dim teenagers? They're not. Men who don't pull their weight know what they're doing... they just don't care and they reckon their partners will pick up the slack.

Sexist? How so? I don't even mention the sex of the people discussing this, could be any sexes, even same sexs.

He's not being a father to his children. He's basically a lodger they see occasionally. And a total dick to you.

Well, the OP is female and her husband is male and she was told she should have spelled it out to him and got him to agree before the y had a child together so.........

I'd strongly suggest he gives up the nap and the Sunday morning golf.

I feel sorry for your girls.

"Daddy isn't here for you because he doesn't value girls at all." Think on that!

He doesn't value girls. You are also female. He doesn't value you either.

You're nothing but a maid and a brood mare to him.

Tell me I'm wrong? I'm not.

My husband and I work FT but I do the majority of dropping off/picking up from nursery as it's next to my work place. My husband will do it if he's on a zero day. Invariably I do the dinner and bedtime too as he usually doesn't get home before 6.30 - 7 (he can't leave work at 5 pm!). I must admit on the weekends I disappear (like your husband!) to yoga for 2 hours and leave him to it. Perhaps increase the days you get help from the babysitter? I know that feeling of wanting to just sit on the couch after they are asleep but there's always something else to do! Could you find a weekend hobby and alternative a day of the weekend with him? That seems fair

I really don't understand men like this. My DH works long hours, out of the house 5.30-7.30 monday to friday. As a result he spends the entire weekend with DS, like he becomes primary carer for the weekend. Not because he has to, not because I need a break or because it's his responsibility, but because he wants to. He barely sees his son during the week so wants to spend as much time as he can with him at the weekend. Why do so many men have children when they clearly have no interest in having children?

Why??? Just why do women put up with this shit from men? Why?? WHY????

But he'd be unreasonable to demand she give up her hobby if the roles were reversed? Having children changes your previous norms, but it shouldn't end any previous interests. Golf alone shouldn't be a problem. Its the dragged out golf, the nap and the unfair working hours that are causing the OP to not cope.

A more reasonable approach would be to say that if he wants his saturday morning golf, you need him around more in the mornings and evenings, and not dragging golf out with beers and a nap, and ensuring that OP gets her "her" time too. He can't do it all, but to insist "no more golf" is incredibly unreasonable.

Yes, why is that? 🤔

I was clearly talking in general.

Can I ask how old you both are?

I’m getting very 1950s vibes here.

He is absolutely taking the piss.

I am someone who thinks it’s very important that you have time away from your partner and children but this should be equal for both of you not just one sided.

It should also be that the majority of free time is spent as a family.

I think as a start Sundays should be either family time or your time.

Maybe every other Sunday he doesn’t go golfing at all and you do something as a family even if it’s just staying in and then on the alternate Sundays you go out or he takes the baby out.
He could even still go golfing for a couple of hours in the morning if you don’t have an entire day planned for yourself.