To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

[Summer1980US]

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

@Summer1980US I don’t think it matters what his job is but if you both work full time expecting you to do mornings and evenings 5x days a week is a joke. I work at a FTSE 50 company and even senior men have time blocked out to do school pick ups, even if just once a week.

we have an agreement in our house to both work 4 days (each has a day alone with children for quality bonding time), 3 days childcare, I do breakfast, dressing and morning drop off, he does collection, tea (not much as nursery feeds them so just toast/yogurt), and we share bedtime routine. He loves golf but wouldn’t dare do that more than occasionally now, but does disappear to the gym for an hour most days, usually mornings so not an issue on childcare days at all.

personally I don’t know how you take this mental load. Either he needs to step up to some responsibilities, especially during the week, or you need to do change work/childcare situation. If you don’t want to go PT or do flex/condensed hours then can he not pay for extra help? I would personally be working 4 days but childcare x5 to give yourself some catch up time!

plan your weekends as a family. Golf 1 in 4, a for-you-day (shopping/girls lunch/spa/etc) 1 in 4 and family days out (even just to park/zoo/farm shops/NT/walks) the other 2/3 Saturdays. Perhaps he could take the 3yo to some crazy golf as a compromise 😂

if you are getting help on a Sunday that is not family time. Saturdays should be for you all.

see if you can find some dad friendly toddler activities locally. We have a great gymnastics class near us Dad does on a weekday. Swimming another obvious choice.

he needs to decide, career or golf…

I like this. Each of you spending a good amount of time with the kids as well as supporting each other in having time for yourself 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

He is very much taking the piss. Totally not ok. You need to rebalance the weekends asap!

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Have you discussed how you will share childcare? I get they are his too but communication is key here. Start organising stuff for you in part of the weekend so he HAS to look after DD also get him involved with chores such as bathtime or if you do bathtime get him to tidy up while you are so you can have couple time one DD is settled. Finally try and get a baby sitter and get out as a couple once a month if possible.

Tell him you want to do something on a Saturday and that you can take turns each weekend or that once a month YOU would like to go out if you don’t want every other weekend
he’s obviously become used to this routine, he might not have a clue how it’s making you feel.. do you ever see friends or family ? Tell him you would like some child free time at the weekend too or maybe arrange to go mid week when the kids are in bed and he is home

Read. This. Book.

"Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)"
Book by Eve Rodsky

Saturday is the only full day she spends with her kids! I don’t understand why so many people think the answer to her husband’s unacceptable behaviour is for her to mimic it. Those poor kids. Dad clearly can’t be arsed so let’s reduce the time they get with their mum too?! Wtf?!

Do you think OP will come back?

Nope. Because enabling and seething are apparently easier than addressing the issue. She’s going to go on that holiday, cook for them, pick up after them, occasionally ‘lose it’ and wonder why her life is like this. Rinse and repeat.

They've been born now so too late to do anything. In the short term extra childcare can pick up the slack and give both parents what they want.

The good news is when the kids are old enough to play golf they are gonna get infinate Dad time and Mum can spend her time however she wants.

Apologies I haven't RTFT, but my friend was in a relationship much like this. Except it was football on a Saturday morning and beers with the lads in the afternoon. Then random DIY on a Sunday. She worked 30hrs which meant she rationalised it as she was 'part time'.

She never really asked him to change. A third party came on the scene and her eyes were opened to his piss taking. She didn't give him the opportunity to change, and they are now divorced. He has the kids 50% of the time, she has an amazing amount of free time, loves her time with the children, and is very happy.

It was maybe always doomed. But I wonder if she'd actually tried to get him to change if he could have, and it might have been a different story!

You're already a Golf Widow when your kids are only 1 and 3. It's unlikely to get better as they get older.

Thanks! We do try our best. He is better at it than I am. Baby #2 on the way in March so hopefully it will keep on working 🤞