To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

[Summer1980US]

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

"We do have a cleaner so I’m lucky in that regard."

YOU are lucky?

He doesn't need any cleaning done, then? He does his share and the cleaner does yours?

He works hard and is providing the lifestyle you are accustomed to.
Earn as much if more than him then you may gripe. You're quality of life would be devastated if he left, so stop whining

Another thing to bear in mind OP is that as DC get older there tends to be more, not less, of a workload in the evenings and at the weekend, with homework and activities. Who’s going to deal with all that?

Oh fuck off. Op works too you idiot.

Get rid of him op. No point to him. You're a single parent anyway.

Your situation sounds intolerable OP. What a lovely life he has. He can focus on his career, he has his golf & the social side of that, he gets lots of me-time, and everything else is done for him by you presumably, including childcare, whilst you work FT and are permanently exhausted.

I’m guessing that’s not what you signed up for.

He’s showing a complete lack of respect for you, which is not a good example for your kids.

Can I ask if he spent 7 hours each Sat playing golf before you had kids?

When you say he’s only gone a couple of hours on a Sunday, what’s he doing then?

Totally unreasonable. Maybe one day a weekend every now and then but not 1.5 days every weekend.. he’s taking the piss out of you!

Sorry but thats not "normal" behaviour, any father I know is just as involved with their kids. Its very archaic to think otherwise.

Reading this makes me very sad for the kids, it sounds like he has no interest in spending time with them and does so on a Sunday because he feels he has to.

Parenthood is very tough but you have both committed to it. He needs to step up and give at least a whole day (Sunday) to spending time with his family.

I really hope you get this sorted out as this could go one of two ways.x

What were your expectations when you decided to have a family? What did you agree with DH re childcare, division of chores etc? We had a loose understanding before we were engaged, a plan once married, and finer detail discussed during pregnancy. It is not acceptable for DH to spend 75% of the weekend out of the house, it is not fair on you but more so DC's. He'd be forced to spend more time with them if you were divorced (I'm not suggesting that but giving context).
As a starter he needs to speak with his employer regarding compressed hours or working from home/hybrid arrangement (I don't accept "he" can't) and then reduce the weekend golf.

Good luck to you as I fear you'll be fighting an uphill battle but you (& DC's) are worth it!

Don’t put up with this . My children are in their 30 s now . Their dad was away most weeks on business and had Saturday to himself . He took them out Sunday morning but that was it . He now has a very rosey picture where he was the perfect husband and father . I had a full time job and looked after the house . My fault I didn’t nip this in the bud , I was exhausted most of the time .

Why don't these men understand that having kids is a partnership? I had 4 kids under seven and my dh looked after them every weekend alone whilst I worked as we couldn't afford childcare. They all have a great relationship with him now. did your dh actually want kids? it sounds like he would rather lead the lifestyle of a single man?

Oh get over yourself. OP works too. What quality of life ? Having lots of money but hating every minute ? You sound like a disgruntled husband on the providing side. If you don't like it you change that too...

Does he "do the bins"?
Normally these types do the bins and the dishwasher and that's their contribution and the OP usually posts this as if he's some big hero and he does "help out".
He's awful. He does fuck all. Not interested in the family at all. There is no way he should be out playing golf on Saturdays and Sundays - and the nap on the Saturday is ridiculous. He has completely checked out of family life.

Then your own DH is "less involved" too isn't he @ArcticRoll2.

I bet your DD didn't instantly settle with you each bed time.
But you kept at it until the routine worked, & she now can.
Your DH though - "oh I WOULD do it, but she settles so much better for you!"
If he put in the effort you have - he'd get the results you get.

"He would if I asked" - if you have to ask, you are clearly the more involved parent!

Wow no. He is not at all behaving ‘normally’. None of my friends husbands/partners do this and if you carry on you will divorce. Sounds like he’d probably see more of the kids that way with an every other weekend arrangement!!

Play him at his own game. Agree that you both want your children to be as fit and healthy as poss and take up sport from an early age. With the success of the Lionesses it's time to buck the trend. Outdoorsy things seem to run in the family and so he should start teaching them golf from as early as possible. They may end up being super rich sports stars in the future!

There are lots of marriages where it crystal clear to all parties from the outset that responsibilities will be asymmetric. Not only is pure 50:50 in all aspects not the norm, it's often not practical, and it's not even an aspiration, for a very large number of people. What happens in all these threads is that there's lots of supportive posters, based on the idea that the guy is a cunt if he doesn't agree 50:50 in one aspect of the marriage, because in isolation from all other facts, 50:50 in one aspect sounds fair. In reality, unless you know what happens in all aspects, and what has been explicitly agreed in the past, you can't fairly comment. (Although I suppose it's fair enough to assume that if an OP doesn't mention explicit agreements, nothing relevant exists.)

If 50:50 is possible, but the exception rather than rule in practice, then how do you know what someone else expects, if you don't talk about it?

Definitely not normal, and also completely unfair.

DH and I both work (him full time, me 3 days a week.) DDs are 5 and 3.

On the two days I don't work I do the school runs for DD1. I also do all the cooking but DH does all the washing up.

We share school runs for DD1 and nursery drop offs for DD2 on my working days pretty much 50/50.

We alternate bedtimes. So one night I put the DC to bed and he tidies up downstairs, the next night he does it.

I go running twice a week. Once on a weekday evening and once on a weekend. I'm usually out for an hour.... maybe a little longer.

DH plays football twice a week too, he's out a similar length of time to me.....maybe a bit more.

The rest of the time we have together e.g. weekend time we do things together. Take the DC out somewhere, watch a film.. whatever.

I could not live with the situation you describe.

@KettrickenSmiled Oh so sorry for the confusion but I wasn’t asking for your opinion? It’s the OP asking. 👌thanks anyway 🙄

What is it that you actually want? Not what is wrong with the set up but what would create a happier balance in your life?

I'm sure there is room for some compromise from your DH but plugging the entire satisfaction gap doesn't need to be on his shoulders.

I don't know how much flexibility your household financials allow, but is it possible that oursourcing a few more bits of life would actually create a happier dynamic.

You mention sitting down on your own and having a cup of tea. Would a baby sitter on a Saturday morning buy you that time. or would an aupair for a few years help with evening routine and weekends until they're a little older.

Would you like your husband to improve his bond with the youngest and would getting him to do one bedtime a week - say Saturday or Sunday night improve that.

The early years are really tough, I found it got easier as they became a little older. Things like Saturday morning activities come along and suddenly you realise you've managed to consume a whole cup of tea before its gone cold and that extreme of all parenting luxuries - been to the toilet on your own with the door closed.

As a Dad, I think h is taking the p*. I get having a passion in life as I have one, but the needs to be a balance. I would suggest 2 day each weekend but only 3 weekends in 4. Maybe book yourself a weekend away with the ladies at a spa, at least he will get to know how your day's are. Good luck

‘Requires a nap’?! He is taking the piss and then some. You must be absolutely shattered with this arrangement OP. Something has to give - you need some quality time to yourself during the day at the weekend and your kids need to have to family time with you and DH. Have you asked him why he is living like a single man?

Your DH is absolutely amazing, can I have him. With his incredibly busy and rewarding life he finds two hours, maybe even more on a Saturday to spend with his children.
He is Dad of the Year for sure.
Do you think it might be time to have a little chat with him.

Oh so sorry for the confusion @ArcticRoll2 but nobody asked for your anecdote about how your DH dotes on his little girl yet is incapable of putting her to bed - yet you posted it on a public forum anyway, & are now all outraged that PP dared to respond to it? 😂

So when the babysitter has the DDs on Sunday, you're asleep, what is your DH doing? Why doesn't he take the kids to the park? Then you could have a babysitter to give you free time when he's at golf?

this whole set up is nuts. And no, it's crap about men and DDs. I have a sister. My dad had to work long hours but he didn't have time for hobbies because he played with us, did batch cooking at weekends, etc.

You expected it, demand it.
Anything less, he is taking the piss and damaging your daughters and their futures by setting them up to think this is acceptable. If you accept it that's also on you to a degree. I mean he's the one being an entitled dickhead but you all deserve more.