To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

[Summer1980US]

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

Blimey, it took until page 10 for someone to suggest a feckin' spa day as a solution to all OP's ills ...

Does sound like a 1950s marriage. Except the wife is also working full time. Take him to one side and explain how unfair and damaging to your family life he is being.

In the mornings, one of us gets the kids ready and the other takes them. Who does what is dependent on if I need the car for work that day.

Weekends we take it in turn to have a lie in. If we want to do something without kids then we put it in the diary but it's very evenly split. If anything, DH does more- for example this weekend he's taken the kids camping and I'm at home. I've literally nothing to do, could have gone camping (which I enjoy) but he suggested I have a break as work has been stressful recently.

Why don't you join the golf club and then you can both split golfing hours and childcare hours between you, if you can't beat them, join them

Wow, I’m a husband who takes the piss but this is next level piss taking.

You're husband is a typical golf twat, get rid and go and find a real man and father.

Absolutely taking the piss.

Tonight you write a note.not horrid just calm and factual.be honest.your feelings,the facts.what’s happening.all you said in your posts here op.and use some of the replies you’ve had for help too.
then you get up early and leave the note.and you got out ALL day.
the kids will wake him.or you can ring at said time and let him know your joy there there is a note on the table.
let him read it.let him get his initial reaction sorted.let him see how looking after the kids feels alone.

We split the household chores and looking after DC. Set days it works because it means that it avoided the conflict of someone coming back in from work tired and not wanting to do childcare as knackered but other person needing a break from doing it all day. It did mean some days were long, but we didn’t just ignore each other and did help, but with the view that x day was my day for xyz etc.

for leisure Partner goes out maybe once a fortnight to his activities and we split DC activities between us depending on who enjoys it most or most suitable etc.

if either of us wanted to go somewhere we would. Example being commonwealth games we wanted to see separate things and some things we both wanted to do, so we arranged time and annual leave to ensure we have childcare covered or took dc with us depending on the event.

it’s the same with other things if one of us wants to do something we don’t ask permission but we have a chat to see what else is on at that time and if the other person is okay with us spending that money and time.

the main thing is we have some structure but that just frames how we work and most of it is built off communication

What! So if he doesn’t spend time with them on weekdays and Saturdays or Sunday mornings or the afternoon when babysitting has them what does he do? A few hours Saturday late afternoon? That’s really unfair
to you and your children
there needs to be some compromise
he can golf 8-12 or 9-1 surely he needs no longer? Then you have the afternoon off and he takes them out for lunches and park? Then if he’s tired he can get an early night?
whys he not free Sunday mornings? Surely you can have a family time together doing something Sunday mornings? And then he can do something with them in the afternoon?
or her can golf Sunday afternoons when babysitting is coming. and then the day Saturday is free?
i think you need to tell him what you’d like and come to a compromise

He sounds like my dad. He ended up with no relationship with me from aged 10 and from my brother ages 12/14 he and our mom separated when I was aged 10 and later divorced. He has no clue when it comes to household chores, relationships, kids etc. this is why he’s never met his grandchildren.
You are already a single parent.

You do realise that by him doing this, and by you putting up with it, you are teaching your daughters that they are less than men, that their happiness doesn't matter, and that they are only cooks/cleaners and carers, right?
Also your husband isn't a good dad, he isn't interested in his children at all, you have to pay another female to take them to the park because he can't be bothered, when are you going to see this?

What an an absolute CF.
My husband and I both work FT. We have one son age 3.
He drops off at crèche and I pick up. I am out the house early so he also does kiddo’s breakfast, gets him dressed etc. I am out of work earlier than he is so after pickup I am entertaining kiddo (park, a bit of TV etc). He then does dinner and we all eat together as a family. We then both do bedtime and watch some TV together afterwards.
At weekends I always take LO out in the morning for 2-3 hours. This can be a museum, music lesson, playground, beach…we then return and have lunch together (cooked by husband). After lunch LO plays, watches a bit of TV etc while we tidy up from lunch, stick a load of washing on, put laundry away, maybe read the papers… After lunch husband takes LO out for 2-3 hours. I usually read or watch TV but sometimes go for a manicure or to the cinema. When they come back we have tea and biscuits, then (later) dinner before bedtime. I would call it an equal partnership but DH realistically does more than me!!
The above is true of every weekend. Occasionally we take the whole day out as a family, e.g. recently we met friends in the park for a picnic and the kids played, then DH/kiddo and I went to a museum and for ice cream. That’s rare though as TBH we both value our individual kid-free time during the day (both quite introverted).
You can definitely change things OP.

I hear you. We never get to be home alone do we. We always have to leave the house for alone time when we desperately just want to chill in peace.

Honestly though, he is taking the piss. Weekends are for family time if you’re lucky enough to both not work weekends.

Time to yourselves is important and you’re allowed this too, he needs to step up and spend some time with his family.

Hi,

I think you need to sit down and talk, as on Sundays he is more involved with kids you should have some time to yourself, go to your mum or sister or any friend and have some quality break from kids and let him deal with kids, hopefully it will make him appreciate you for all the hard work you do :)

I do not think you should turn this into a nasty conflict. It is something you have allowed up to now. Discuss gently that you need 'me' time too and when you find something that excites you book your time off.

Sorry not being judgy here as i realise you work full time but you have a baby sitter that takes them to the park for a few hours on a Sunday 🤔but they've already been in a crèche all week all day everyday seems things gotta give here

He’s a massive piss taker.

when is your downtime OP?

He sees you as a maid and nanny. Sorry but it’s true

Thing is ,they are only young for a few short years but very important years

I lived my life like OP …. Allowed it until
the kids got to adulthood and am contemplating divorce. It WILL take its toll…. You WILL resent and hate him…. I followed what I had seen without realising and now I have many conversations with my children to hope they don’t do the same. I feel completely robbed of a family life. I had one shot was the “
perfect wife”
( evidently a mug) and I feel so much grief for my experience. OP make huge changes daily expectation of equal duties and if they can’t be achieved seriously think is this what you want for the next … 15 ish years?

He is taking the piss. Our of you. Your kids and your whole family dynamic.

You spend no time together as a family.
You have zero time to yourself or time to be anyone except 'mum'.
Your husband has only a couple of hours with the kids on a Saturday every week.
You pay someone to take the kids on a Sunday so you can nap even though DH is there??!

WTAF?! This is bonkers! Your problems are bigger than your DH being a dickhead, but I guess they'd all be less if he was less of a twatbag.

He needs to give up at least one of his incredibly selfish golf days, he can have it back when the kids are older, now is not the time for it. He needs to dedicate more time to his family and make getting quality time with the kids as well as giving you a break his main priorities.

Honestly.... he sounds like a selfish prick. I'd be reading him his rights. I mean... if you split up, assuming you got main caregiver, you'd probably get weekends to yourself and he would have to quit golf!!

One of the weekend days should be a family day and the other you should take turns to get time for yourself maybe? I would not accept my husband going off for all those hours to play golf without discussing what works for the family. Also no nap after…if he’s that tired he shouldn’t go to golf. Is he getting up with the little ones lots in the night? And not the second day playing. Oh my you sound so patient!!!

If he gave a shit. He'd be there. I'm so over the excuses of society towards these barely functioning fathers.

There's no excuse for his selfishness.

Through the week is probably fair enough owing to work commitments. However, you should be entitled to equal leisure time on the weekend.

Unless he is Tiger Woods, not sure he should allowed to give up pretty much his entire Saturday to golf when you have no leisure or family time with young kids.

Demand it, and make it clear this is marriage ending behaviour. If you divorced, and he wanted any kind of custody/contact, he'd need to look after his own children, so explain that he either steps up and does his fare share so you get a break, or he's forced to when he's no longer married!