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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we can't welcome guests anymore?

151 replies

Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 04:22

Name changed. We got two children, DD8 and DS5, both of us , my DH and I, work full time , never had free child care or any help, moved to a bigger house in the last couple of years, this is relevant.
I am also a people pleaser, so my social compass is totally shrewd, hence this post.
Since we moved houses, we had a family member coming over to stay several times a year which on paper should be ok but in reality I am growing more and more resentful.
Last time this family member came to stay was in July. She stayed for two weeks, to do holiday things and catch up with other members of their family who have plenty of time free. DH and I work and children go to holiday club. So not time off for us.
They want to come over again at the end of August. This year, so far, they've stayed with us 6 weeks. They could stay with other family member but they wont , I suspect they wouldn't get catered the same way. They cooked once when he/she stayed last time. The time before they looked after our children one evening. I don't like asking for help so I end up exhausted most of the time , my fault. I feel my energy should be aimed towards my children and I feel guilty that they are not getting my full attention if that makes sense. Guest is polite enough but our standards around house keeping are different, for instance if I drink a coffee I 'll take my mug to the kitchen I don't just leave it ( for two days).
My DS behaviour is all over the place, currently trying to asses if he's on autistic / ADHD spectrum. I am really worried.
Please share thoughts on how to address this with member of family and DH.

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 12/08/2022 04:24

Well, you’re not being unreasonable at all.

Is it your MIL? I am just asking to establish the extent to which this should actually be your DH dealing with it.

It’s obviously someone from his side of the family, given you say you need to ‘address’ it with him.

Original poster
Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 04:32

RenegadeMatron · 12/08/2022 04:24

Well, you’re not being unreasonable at all.

Is it your MIL? I am just asking to establish the extent to which this should actually be your DH dealing with it.

It’s obviously someone from his side of the family, given you say you need to ‘address’ it with him.

It is on his side of the family, it's not his mum but closed related to him, apologies for being so ambiguous.

OP posts:
Musti · 12/08/2022 04:33

I wouldn’t want anyone other than my best friend (and she’s super helpful) staying that length of time. And it is rude to keep imposing on you

Fraaahnces · 12/08/2022 04:38

have you considered telling her that it doesn’t work for you because it’s too disruptive for DS as he needs a very strict routine? (Make that bit up…) Probably not fair throwing him under the bus, but she sounds like a piss-taker.

Original poster
Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 04:48

Fraaahnces · 12/08/2022 04:38

have you considered telling her that it doesn’t work for you because it’s too disruptive for DS as he needs a very strict routine? (Make that bit up…) Probably not fair throwing him under the bus, but she sounds like a piss-taker.

Yes, I have considered this. They don't have children themselves but they have seen first hand my DS behaviour. He won't sleep till 11 o'clock, he touches all his food, he gets really thrown with any change of plans. But they still come to stay.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 12/08/2022 04:56

What's your DH's view ? If it is his relative he needs to say 'sorry sister, brother, Dad, random cousin we just can't put you up again this year'. No explanation needed.

If he won't say that then, in traditional Mumsnet words 'you've got a DH problem'.

cexuwaleozbu · 12/08/2022 05:03

You are not being at all unreasonable. You definitely need to say no to this next visit, and set ground rules for future visits. I couldn't bear either being a house guest or having a house guest for more than 3 days at a time so that would be one suggested rule, and given the number of family and feiends in a typical network it's very selfish for any guest to impose themselves more than twice a year, as you will want to occasionally host other friend and family visits but will want good long chunks of guest-free time in between.

Original poster
Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 05:15

Ragwort · 12/08/2022 04:56

What's your DH's view ? If it is his relative he needs to say 'sorry sister, brother, Dad, random cousin we just can't put you up again this year'. No explanation needed.

If he won't say that then, in traditional Mumsnet words 'you've got a DH problem'.

I have tried to keep it to myself bc he will do something about it. But he tends to press the nuclear bottom and I don't want to create trouble between them. I am sure he's noticed things, sometimes visitor decides to eat out at last minute and he 'll say to her , that's not ok, let us know if you going to do that or if visitor is late for dinner he is like, let's not cater for them in the future whether I am more accomodating. such a door mat. I need to tell DH what is my reasonable expectation on this matter, I have no doubt he 'll follow thorough.

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 12/08/2022 05:17

YANBU. I'm tired reading this. Get your DH onside, show him this thread, find a way to say kindly best if they stay at the other family members' places. You need a break. It doesn't even need to be about the things they do/don't do.

Original poster
Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 05:18

cexuwaleozbu · 12/08/2022 05:03

You are not being at all unreasonable. You definitely need to say no to this next visit, and set ground rules for future visits. I couldn't bear either being a house guest or having a house guest for more than 3 days at a time so that would be one suggested rule, and given the number of family and feiends in a typical network it's very selfish for any guest to impose themselves more than twice a year, as you will want to occasionally host other friend and family visits but will want good long chunks of guest-free time in between.

That's a good point, my own side of the family hasn't been able to come yet for different reasons, distance, pandemic, work commitments. It feels like visitor is here most of the "holiday" periods

OP posts:
OneDrop · 12/08/2022 05:22

“Sorry have invited best friend that week/month in fact she may be coming to live with us permanently so keeping the spare room free for the next 5 years just in case 😁”

NoToLandfill · 12/08/2022 05:25

I'd say you certainly can't welcome that particular guest any more. Not unreasonable at all. Next time (and every time) they book/ask to stay just say oh dear that doesn't work for us. Sorry we can't do those dates. Etc etc. You have no obligation to host.

BEAM123 · 12/08/2022 05:26

There can be big cultural differences on this but I think in your situation a max of 2-3 nights would be reasonable. Up to a week if they a) have to travel a long way to see you, b) you are the priority visit, and c) staying with you is the only way they can see you.

If they want a free holiday to primarily visit other relatives, they can stay with those relatives!!

Grimchmas · 12/08/2022 05:32

You do need to have a conversation with DH and if he goes nuclear well that's his choice you should have to be managing his behaviour.

I think it's perfectly radians to say to guest "sorry, we are having problems with DS at the moment which are made worse by changes to routine such as having guests. We are sorry but we won't be able to host you for the foreseeable. We will tell you if/ when we feel able to accommodate you again. Here's a link to some local accommodation if you'd like to stay in the area to visit us..."

Grimchmas · 12/08/2022 05:33

Shouldn't*

Original poster
Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 05:33

BEAM123 · 12/08/2022 05:26

There can be big cultural differences on this but I think in your situation a max of 2-3 nights would be reasonable. Up to a week if they a) have to travel a long way to see you, b) you are the priority visit, and c) staying with you is the only way they can see you.

If they want a free holiday to primarily visit other relatives, they can stay with those relatives!!

None of these apply , visitors travel for 4 hours , which is long but not long on big scheme of things they certainly dont come to see us exclusively and they can stay with other family member.
Thank you for your post, I have suddenly got a lightbulb moment.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 12/08/2022 05:34

This person only wants to stay with you because you are a doormat. You should be your best advocate and the problem is, you’re not.

What do you mean by “the nuclear option”? If you said to your H that you would like his relative to stay elsewhere, why are you fearful of how he would communicate this?

Given the character of your houseguest and your reluctance at setting boundaries/ house rules, it’s unlikely they are going to stop coming without being told not to come.

romdowa · 12/08/2022 05:42

No need to give any explanation. Just say sorry that doesn't work for us at the moment. Giving them an explanation gives them a chance to provide solutions.

BoxOfCats · 12/08/2022 05:43

Either they give no shits about how much of an inconvenience it is for you, or they are completely ignorant to how much extra work and inconvenience it is to host someone for such long periods of time, and at that frequency.
Either way I wouldn't hold back in telling them it just isn't convenient for you to have them stay then. A reasonable person would understand, especially if they'd only just had a 2 week visit in July!

Mywelshmammy · 12/08/2022 05:52

I cannot even begin to understand why anyone would put up with this nonsense. It’s an absolute piss take.

FOJN · 12/08/2022 05:57

But he tends to press the nuclear bottom and I don't want to create trouble between them.

It's interesting you have framed your husbands tendency to assert some boundaries as going nuclear. He sounds pretty good at speaking up without causing an argument. I'd discuss it with him, you've said he will follow through so surely that's your solution if you'd rather not have the conversation. If it causes trouble it will be because your visitor doesn't like being told no but that is not your responsibility.

ginnybag · 12/08/2022 05:58

Well, the easy one this time, assuming you're in England, is to say, 'no, sorry, that's right before school goes back'

Then just keep saying no.

If you suspect your DS is on the spectrum and struggles with the disruption, then it's genuinely unfair to them to keep having people stay. It's not rude or unwelcoming to say no - it's what he needs.

Mintchervilpurslane · 12/08/2022 06:03

YANBU. You sound lovely op and you have been very hospitable letting this guest stay for six weeks so far this year, the last occasion only being in July. She sounds a little insensitive and she is taking advantage of your kindness.

You are perfectly entitled to say that, owing to issues with ds, a heavy work schedule, summer visits from your own family, and wanting a bit of a summer holiday yourselves, that an August visit doesn't work for you. You have absolutely no reason to feel bad saying that either. And why not say at the same time that it's a very busy period of time ATM and after the summer you are not going to be inviting guests for a while as you are finding it too much on top of DC and work. Just say it straight using "I" and "we" sentences and leave a silence after you have said it. Don't be tempted to fill in the pause. And if she protests say "As I have explained, that doesn't work for us". Do not apologise. But really your DH should be handling it.

Original poster
Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 06:10

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2022 05:34

This person only wants to stay with you because you are a doormat. You should be your best advocate and the problem is, you’re not.

What do you mean by “the nuclear option”? If you said to your H that you would like his relative to stay elsewhere, why are you fearful of how he would communicate this?

Given the character of your houseguest and your reluctance at setting boundaries/ house rules, it’s unlikely they are going to stop coming without being told not to come.

When I said nuclear option I didn't mean my DH being unreasonable or me worrying about managing his behaviour , didn't express myself properly. It's more on the lines of how the message would be received, I worry that would it cause damage in the relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 06:14

FOJN · 12/08/2022 05:57

But he tends to press the nuclear bottom and I don't want to create trouble between them.

It's interesting you have framed your husbands tendency to assert some boundaries as going nuclear. He sounds pretty good at speaking up without causing an argument. I'd discuss it with him, you've said he will follow through so surely that's your solution if you'd rather not have the conversation. If it causes trouble it will be because your visitor doesn't like being told no but that is not your responsibility.

It's not him going nuclear, didn't express properly, apologies, it's how the message would be received, I don't want it to affect their relationship.

OP posts: