To say we can't welcome guests anymore?

[Lackofenergy]

Name changed. We got two children, DD8 and DS5, both of us , my DH and I, work full time , never had free child care or any help, moved to a bigger house in the last couple of years, this is relevant.
I am also a people pleaser, so my social compass is totally shrewd, hence this post.
Since we moved houses, we had a family member coming over to stay several times a year which on paper should be ok but in reality I am growing more and more resentful.
Last time this family member came to stay was in July. She stayed for two weeks, to do holiday things and catch up with other members of their family who have plenty of time free. DH and I work and children go to holiday club. So not time off for us.
They want to come over again at the end of August. This year, so far, they've stayed with us 6 weeks. They could stay with other family member but they wont , I suspect they wouldn't get catered the same way. They cooked once when he/she stayed last time. The time before they looked after our children one evening. I don't like asking for help so I end up exhausted most of the time , my fault. I feel my energy should be aimed towards my children and I feel guilty that they are not getting my full attention if that makes sense. Guest is polite enough but our standards around house keeping are different, for instance if I drink a coffee I 'll take my mug to the kitchen I don't just leave it ( for two days).
My DS behaviour is all over the place, currently trying to asses if he's on autistic / ADHD spectrum. I am really worried.
Please share thoughts on how to address this with member of family and DH.

Oh and a friend of mine who was learning to be assertive started with answering any an all requests on the spot with "can't answer that now, can I get back to you"...from family, neighbours to CF mothers looking for her to take their children for play dates.
She would then text them later with "sorry that doesn't suit me".

With practice she has become VERY assertive....her own mother, not to mind her MIL, put it all down to a "bad reaction" to the menopause 😂.

They weren't far wrong!

Oh I love this @Shlomping1234

The posts here suggesting 'reasons' are not really hitting the spot.

The fact is that this person isn't coming to see the OP or her family, but using it as a hotel. They go out and see old friends in the area.

Well, that's what comes over.

Assuming it is a sibling, then they must be roughly the same age as the H (maybe 20s or 30s?) so they are really using this home as a hotel.

Time to put a stop to it.

No silly 'reasons' like close to the start of term or anything like that.
If it's happening for weeks every year, you will run out of excuses!

Just say it doesn't work any more to have people staying.

Imagine it from their side! They will be saying to their friends 'Oh it's great. I stay with my brother (for example) , it's free, I can come and go as I please.'

You're being taken for a mug OP and your H needs to wake up to it.

Does your husband pull his weight at home when his guest is there? He is the one who should be picking up the extra work.

Does he pull his weight when you don't have guests?

I have to go and start working now, thank you so much to all comments , sorry I couldn't reply to all, I' ve found this thread incredibly useful and I 've taken a lot of it on board. Hope it helps other people like me out there.

Don't give compromises you really just need to shut this down. Ridiculous you've let a random relative stay for 6 weeks this year when she's of no help to you whatsoever,

She has stayed 6 weeks already this year!! That's 5 weeks too many . You are not a free hotel, this is your family home , it's exhausting you and disrupting DS's routine . Get angry. Say No.

"Sorry but no. You'll need to stay somewhere else. No more overnight visits, it's too disruptive for DS and too exhausting for me"

I don't want it to affect their relationship.

Yet your DH's relative clearly doesn't give a moments thought to how their frequent visits affect you, your relationship, your children and your family's wellbeing. Why is that okay with you? You bend over backwards for them whilst they exploit and abuse your goodwill, or more accurately, your dysfunctional boundaries.

Just say no. Discuss openly with DH - you should be a team on this. Or, if DH is part of the problem, could you perhaps seek the support of a therapist to work on your self-esteem and ability to set boundaries which work for you? There is truth to the old chestnut that people treat us the way we allow them to.

I dont want to say house needs decorating, or my family is coming over or we going to be away ( did this before and she came to stay here on her own).
😮I can't believe anyone could be so insensitive - such a cheek!

I've been a bit of a doormat in my life and find it very useful now to say no, sorry can't do that, to any requests I'm not sure about and then if I decide I want to do it, ring back and say gosh, so sorry, have just looked at my diary again and I can do it after all!

I would hand it over to DH though and if there is a rift, well would it be such a great loss? If he does upset her, it's down to him isn't it and perhaps he wouldn't mind.

YANBU

I don't think you need to give a reason. I hope they contribute to food? They're using you as a free B&B which isn't acceptable.

but it’s not your role to manage their relationship surely?

I remember you posting about about this before, the advice is basically the same. YANBU. Your house is not a hotel.

FWIW I don’t think you need to give a huge reason, just a ‘sorry it just it doesn't work this time hopefully to catch you when you’re here’ if they are cheeky they’ll press but a no is enough.

Reading this thread it wouldn’t surprise me if you were all individuals who were either autistic or have ADHD, such as the relative who keeps acting on impulse and turning up at your house on a regular basis. Additionally, a nuclear communication style could be describe as refreshingly honest and direct.

I agree with others that you simply need to say no and avoid complicating the matter with false excuses.

Well, you can't go on like this, can you?

You and DH need to tell CF relative that you are not receiving any guests AT ALL any more.

Also agree with what others have said about not complicating with too many excuses or reasons.

To me it sounds like it's all down to the op including childcare. If the relative thought all her needs were going to be catered for by dh she might be embarrassed into either helping out more or even not coming.

I think you need to keep it simple and polite but firm. Tell her that no, it doesn’t work for us. We won’t be able to accommodate you this time, there are a lot going on with DC. And then stop and say nothing. If she ask what about other dates say “I don’t think we can make any plans at the moment “ and again pause. The problem is that your own family hasn’t visit for a while so you might want to accommodate them for a few nights or anyone else so don’t say that you stop hosting people forever.
You won’t change this family member, it’s too hard work so keeping simple and just about this visit will ease up pressure for you.
I actually was in a similar circumstances with my family member. It’s useless to tell them anything about how to behave or whatever, they would bring back one coffee cup and then go back to old habits again. It’s not your problem to educate them about manners in someone’s house. That’s why don’t allow them to come even for 3 or 4 nights: the build up and the disruption won’t worth it. Also it will give your guest the ammunition to say “ oh, it’s ok so can I come again”.

So you’re dh has tried to solve the problem by making boundary’s and you’ve stepped over them. And now you want to say the relative can’t stay. You’re not unreasonable to not want someone to stay at all under any circumstances. But I think you should have had your dh’s back with the meals.

Children can get disrupted in an emotional sense if there's a change in the family dynamic. Explain politely that their coming is unfortunately causing problems with your son, so you've decided to have as few visitors as possible in the future. This should perhaps be the truth, in any event? Then it will just be a straight no from now on. Of course, they can stay nearby and meet up. If things improve with your son, you could change to having them for one week a year?

Ohh what a shame , we won't be able to have you to stay . We've decided to have as much family time as we can for the next couple of years while the children are young

I assume this family member is DHs side? Why are you taking the lead? Let him do
It! If he does 'nuclear' that's on him - it's not a reflection on you. If he can't cope with it all why should you?

You really don't need anyone staying with you at all, unless you specifically invite them.
Tell them that you are having problems establishing a routine with your son, and that too many people around will upset him.
They can stay in a nearby hotel.

It’s ridiculous that you’ve allowed this. Six weeks? 😁come on.

It’s a non issue. Your husband tells his relative ‘no.’ Ta dah.

So you need to be direct and stand up for your kids needs.

Hi Edna, re staying here in August, I'm afraid it won't be possible this year. DS is increasingly struggling woth disruption to his routine so it's unfair on him. Hope to catch up when you're over.

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you saying you'll try not to cause any disruption but it isn't you per se, its just having other people in the house so it really isjt fair on him. Hopefully you can stay with Aunty June. Let us know if you are around for a catch up

Rinse and repeat

😅I'd say a little of folk going to stay with relatives will find themselves locked out after this