To say we can't welcome guests anymore?

[Lackofenergy]

Name changed. We got two children, DD8 and DS5, both of us , my DH and I, work full time , never had free child care or any help, moved to a bigger house in the last couple of years, this is relevant.
I am also a people pleaser, so my social compass is totally shrewd, hence this post.
Since we moved houses, we had a family member coming over to stay several times a year which on paper should be ok but in reality I am growing more and more resentful.
Last time this family member came to stay was in July. She stayed for two weeks, to do holiday things and catch up with other members of their family who have plenty of time free. DH and I work and children go to holiday club. So not time off for us.
They want to come over again at the end of August. This year, so far, they've stayed with us 6 weeks. They could stay with other family member but they wont , I suspect they wouldn't get catered the same way. They cooked once when he/she stayed last time. The time before they looked after our children one evening. I don't like asking for help so I end up exhausted most of the time , my fault. I feel my energy should be aimed towards my children and I feel guilty that they are not getting my full attention if that makes sense. Guest is polite enough but our standards around house keeping are different, for instance if I drink a coffee I 'll take my mug to the kitchen I don't just leave it ( for two days).
My DS behaviour is all over the place, currently trying to asses if he's on autistic / ADHD spectrum. I am really worried.
Please share thoughts on how to address this with member of family and DH.

This rely is taking the mickey. You’re going to have to be upfront. Say unfortunately it’s not convenient now as you have a lot going on.
Put yourself and your own DC’s first

Obviously YANBU. Put your foot down OP that us my idea of hell lol

You are not unreasonable. I had this situation and got really fed up with people arriving and expecting to stay for weeks at a time. We had to tell the visitors that we are happy to see them for 4 or 5 days at a time (maximum) but then they have to move on and stay with other members of the family as it’s just too difficult ( I also have an ASD / ADHD child) we also said no more than 2 visits a year. There has to be boundary’s and they have to accept that you have lives and need your privacy. My advise is to set the rules and stick to them.

It is great that you have had the lightbulb moment about putting this relative's wants ahead of your child's needs, and the need to say No. But I get the feeling OP that the 'people pleasing' thing and reluctance to be assertive about it may come from a dread of this person being displeased with you and maybe talking in negative terms with other relatives. Is that right? Is it someone else's opinion of you that is most important? I do relate to this, and know what it is like to dread public opinion as it were, but at some point you have to bite the bullet, know what is right (child's needs trump relative's wish for holiday), and take the risk. Thankfully, most people are reasonable and will see your point of view if they hear about this at all. But probably they won't bat an eyelid, why should they be interested in where relative has stayed up till now? If she is awkward and unreasonable they will know this already. Keep strong, don't apologise or make excuses, just say No.

This worked for us with no issues on either side.

Bless you OP, you sound like such a nice person, am horrified that you've been used. :-(
Good luck & hope all goes well. xx

Reading your message put me on mind of when I had my DS. He was very overdue and my in laws flew over to wait it out. I was in hospital for a week, had a difficult birth and DS ended up in NICU. When we got home from hospital, there there were my in laws, sitting around while I limped about and tried to get used to breastfeeding. After a week my husband got them to go and stay with some other relatives. When I think about it now it seems bonkers, it was just so awful, at such a tender time. One day, when you and your husband have spoken to your relative and they have stopped coming for weeks on end, you'll look back and think 'I can't believe we used to host xx relative all the time.' You will be so relieved! Good luck, I know how difficult family relationships can be.

Tbh, I think the days of house guests are coming to an end. I don’t think you can really do it without it causing a lot of disruption if you are working and have young children. It was easier in the days when the majority of women stayed at home. And even then, house guests and very young dc do not really mix as there routines are totally different.

I would say sorry but i am afraid those dates are not convenient, and the rest of this year is pretty busy too. We would love to spend some time with you early next year. Are you free to visit us Easter weekend? We can all spend 3 days together. They will get the hint. This way seems like it ends on a positive but actually you parked the issue for 8 months, and even then it will be a weekend. Obviously doesn't have to be Easter.

I stay with one of my brothers for approximately 5 days a year, I always help, pay for shopping, and respect boundaries!
you need to get tougher expect them to help, and assign tasks

Just word it diplomatally
" Hi ×××××
Heard you were planning to visit end of August, were so sorry but we've a few things going on and unfortunately it's not a good time. Hopefully you can stay with x,y or z.
It's been lovely having you & maybe we'll get to see you at some stage of your visit,
Chat soon x"

The trouble with that is that they'll just "kindly" agree to rearrange to a time that is a good time, which they'll expect to be September.

Just say sorry it doesn't work now with them coming to visit and they'll need to make alternative arrangements. No explanation needed. I bet they won't as it'll cost them money. Good luck.

They are asking to stay and treating the place like a hotel. It is also disruptive to all of you. It's your home and it's fine to say NO. You can say it's because of DS or give no explanation.

My Aunt and Uncle moved to the seaside a few years ago, all family in Midlands. They bought a 2 bed flat. Family kept visiting and staying in spare room and getting free seaside holiday. They are too sweet to say no and it was all too much for them. They got rid of second bed and turned spare room into a hobby room with table etc!

Just say no, that you are sorry but both are very busy with work & you don’t think you’ll be able to work around with others at the moment & have they tried xyz relative?

it reflects the fact that you are FT with at least 1 child with additional needs - and let’s you off the hook without having to go into ‘you are exhausting to cater for & I shouldn’t be doing that anyway’ argument

Yabu. I would hate that, no way could I cope with 2 weeks, 2/3 days would be my limit. Do they not have to go to work?

Is it always in school holidays? Can you not say you’re going away yourselves.

Broadhillbaby · Yesterday 18:09
Tell them you are going away yourselves for a few days and will be unavailable on their dates.

She tried that. She came to stay in their empty house!

No. Don't offer excuses just say it's too disruptive which it is.

I don't agree with all of the people using DS as a reason or excuse, he is your son end of! This is your home and not an hotel. First of all explain to DH that you don't mind a visit once or twice a year for a few days but you find it difficult to cope with longer visits. Also point out that if she wants a longer visit then you are sure that other family members would love to have her. Additionally, you would like to invite some of your family too as you haven't seen them for a long time and it is difficult to accommodate them if she is inviting herself over. There should be no excuse for DH to go nuclear as you don't mind the odd visit for a few days.

You have already hosted 6 weeks. You are a Saint. You are permitted to say not a good time please stay with another family member. If they have that much free time, they must have money. Why not direct them to nearest nice hotel?
Shoot I would feel a huge imposition to just stay in someone's house overnight let alone multiple 2 week periods. They should be paying rent about now.
Saints get martyred. Don't be a Saint. Live lol.

Just say no!

it doesn’t need explanation.

or say it’s not convenient that week.

if you want to keep things open you could say you’re available on XX Date if they want to come to dinner or go out the the day - you aren’t rejecting seeing them, just rejecting being a free hotel !!

we have a reasonable sized house & a separate “guest suite” (read room full of junk!) & room for campers ….. I still encourage people to stay in the hotel down the road ! It’s nice to have your own space! & not feel invaded!

They have probably got into a pattern they think it’s the norm now. I would be polite yet firm that it is no longer possible with the upheaval of all your current family dealings. Maybe one odd night, but your family is busy, it is lovely to see the, but a struggle and maybe best they alternate with friends.

Or if you find hard to word, just mention “that month you have a lot on, would be lovely but this occasion might be best to ask a friend to stay with”. It is really tricky, but I don’t think I could ask a family to stay with them, people have busy lives even if we don’t know all the facts.

Good luck.

Of course you can still welcome guests.. ones you've invited.

That doesn't mean you have to run a free hotel for indolent CFs where you play the doormat. Grow a spine. Tell them " Sorry, no. this doesn't suit us ."

Also a people pleaser, I suspect unless you find a nice way of saying no, you’ll end up exploding and then feeling bad.

Also, don’t feel you need to explain too much or they’ll go into solution mode.

“we’d love you to stay again, but I’m feeling overwhelmed right now”

”It doesn’t work for us right now, but we’d love to see you if you stay nearby”

”we’ve enjoyed having you, but DS needs a little space right now”

This is how you do it
* pick up phone *
”Hello? Hope you are well, look, I’m really sorry but we won’t be able to have any guests over for the time being “
I really appreciate you wanting to stay with us though , but unfortunately something has come up and it won’t be possible this time around
“ anyway I’ll let you get on with your day and hopefully speak soon , Goodbye “