To say we can't welcome guests anymore?

[Lackofenergy]

Name changed. We got two children, DD8 and DS5, both of us , my DH and I, work full time , never had free child care or any help, moved to a bigger house in the last couple of years, this is relevant.
I am also a people pleaser, so my social compass is totally shrewd, hence this post.
Since we moved houses, we had a family member coming over to stay several times a year which on paper should be ok but in reality I am growing more and more resentful.
Last time this family member came to stay was in July. She stayed for two weeks, to do holiday things and catch up with other members of their family who have plenty of time free. DH and I work and children go to holiday club. So not time off for us.
They want to come over again at the end of August. This year, so far, they've stayed with us 6 weeks. They could stay with other family member but they wont , I suspect they wouldn't get catered the same way. They cooked once when he/she stayed last time. The time before they looked after our children one evening. I don't like asking for help so I end up exhausted most of the time , my fault. I feel my energy should be aimed towards my children and I feel guilty that they are not getting my full attention if that makes sense. Guest is polite enough but our standards around house keeping are different, for instance if I drink a coffee I 'll take my mug to the kitchen I don't just leave it ( for two days).
My DS behaviour is all over the place, currently trying to asses if he's on autistic / ADHD spectrum. I am really worried.
Please share thoughts on how to address this with member of family and DH.

Just use the mumsnet classic. “No sorry that doesn’t work for us”. You don’t actually need to give a reason. Houseguests do require work and you’ve already done 6 weeks worth this year already. No is a full sentence. Xx

I would say what Lackofenergy has said.

It is not convenient, tell them to ask another family member!

Tell him to tell his sister to above re your son needing routine/stability etc. she can stay with other relatives!

As a parent if an autistic child who would struggle with the weirdness of having someone outside the nuclear family coming to stay, I would use that as the reason. You're putting your son's needs first.

I would also explain it like that. How sorry you are but that your job as a parent us to put your child's needs first. It's too unsettling for him to have any visitors sleeping over. Then say "However, we'd dearly love to see you. Is there some way you can stay with someone else or air BnB so that you can come for dinner/go out for the day together etc?"

If she goes nuclear about that then she is being unreasonable.

I would reframe this thought a little. You’re struggling to retrain yourself out of coping mechanisms that helped you survive as a child. This is impacting on both you and your children. I found when I changed my behaviour after counselling, everyone had a reaction to me changing. It’s a big change. I let them all have it, some adapted and stayed in my life and some didn’t. For the people in my life, I felt you have to allow the other person to have some righteous disbelief and even anger if you stop interacting with them in a way that has always worked well for them. It is change that they haven’t asked for. You’ve kept how it’s impacted you hidden to protect yourself so it isn’t surprising if they haven’t noticed something you’ve worked hard to hid. This was most significant for me with my sibling as unsurprisingly they’d had the same similar difficult childhood and developed their own coping mechanisms too. My decision to change mine impacted their ability to keep using theirs. We’ve worked it out over the years and have a much stronger relationship now. This issue will be impacting more of your relationships that just the one with this relation. Have you ever heard of “the drama triangle”? People in the “rescuer” position feel they’re putting themselves aside to help others but being a rescuer is as attempt to meet their own needs rather than others and that needs acknowledging and reframing. It’s worth knowing what need in you your behaviour has met up till now that it is no longer meeting rather than being angry at a relative that has happily interacted with you in the way you’ve chosen to act up until now. If they don’t accept the changes (possibly after an initial reaction) then that’s a different matter.

A simple “sorry we are unable to host any overnight visitors at the moment”

I wouldn’t even go into the reasons why.

Oh op please don't be so hard on yourself.this will only perpetuate the cycle of needing to please so u can be "good" enough.you haven't let him down,things have just hot carried away and squeeze along the way.
Simply write an email or tell them everythi g you have said here.
Make it an emotional and mental health must.you are sorry but for a time you need to focus on your dc. He is struggling and needs a sage space and both his parents full time.
Also mention your own! Say atm you are struggling,things have been getti g too much and u need to batten down the hatches and get some clear headed and self care on.and it's ok to state this.bot selfish or sharable to need to test for YOU.
We do NOT act the same with guests.yoh need to be able to do that right now.to just flop out let go.reset.rest.
So tell them straight.its not a good time.you no they'll understand as there always so in tune when they are here so must have spotted how low you've been feeling right!😝
Seriously op no guilt.no pressure.just get some rest.get some family cosy time.ley your dh no this.yhat you just need some time.you ARE allowed.

That strikes a cord. I had one counselling session through NHS , they said I have signs of PSTD and would also benefit of having CBT (not at same time they say). Never heard from them again and never chased them .I truly neglect myself
But now , all my choices/ behaviour are affecting my children.

I am a people pleaser too, OP, though have got better about enforcing boundaries in recent years. The thing that I came to realise about being a people pleaser is that it always causes more problems (not just for you, but the people around you, including the person you are supposedly trying to please) in the long run. It is actually kinder, and more conducive to positive relationships with people, to put those boundaries in place, otherwise resentments build and lead to avoidable and often terminal fallings out.

I no how challengingvthe child struggling can find a guest.even for one night or just for tea. I've dealt with the fear in their eyes,the need for safety and their behaviours from that feeling to just need safety.
I've heard the irrational change in routine anxiety or being in the room fear or just fear fear fear bomber anythi g different.or that nudges there so carefully needed and put together safety.
It's alot.and can feel a bloody lot.
But then you breathe and u do it.every time and won't ever stop.becauze you look down at them and instantly no why( after screaming into your pillow over 1 frigging guest meaning end of world's😔)

Also consider, if your son is autistic, then it's highly likely it's come from somewhere in the family.

We had a lightbulb moment when my child was getting assessed. My brother in law very likely and I have also just been diagnosed.

So, being oblivious to social expectations, also being a people pleaser in women could both me a sign (obviously amongst other things, not just in themselves). Take a look around you. Our child's doctor when diagnosing them with a different genetic condition looked at DH and myself and said "right, which one if you is it?" turned out it was my DH, lightbulb moment as explained ALOT of things.

Assuming it is less and not never, then 'not now' and some reason given seems reasonable.

No is a one word answer

as someone else said - say it’s Too disruptive for ds at the moment having visitor stay

and repeat repeat repeat to sister

I agree to near going back to school- and you’ve got a ton of shopping, shoes etc to get .... and label and clean the house but if the guest could clean the house look after the children whilst you do it...

In the kindness way possible op
Just say NO

No excuse needed just "no ,that doesn't work for us ."

It's not rude or relationship shattering and if it's taken that way then that's the family member's issue to be honest.

You need to have time together as a family without freeloading relatives all the time.

You never know, when you tell them it may be a complete non event and they will make alternative arrangements.

It's pointless using things like the beginning of term as an excuse, she'll just happily put the visit off for a couple of weeks.

I think you're entitled to say six weeks in one year is more than enough, and that's it for the foreseeable future.

@Lackofenergy Regardless of this situation, I think you have accepted that long term you need to change your behaviour towards people at times.

Learning to be assertive (not the same as being aggressive) is something that needs practise.

It's about being able to prioritise your own needs without feeling bad or worrying endlessly about offending the other person.

There are literally thousands of books on this (How To books) and online articles.

Counselling might be a god idea when you can find the time, but meanwhile, why not get hold of some books via Amazon or whatever, and just start practising being assertive, day to day?

It can be as simple as saying to someone 'That doesn't work for me right now, sorry.'

It's best when being assertive to show empathy for the other side.

So for example with this family member- assume it's an aunt, cousin or sibling- you (or your H) could say 'I understand it's convenient for you to stay with us, but at the moment we can't accommodate you. There's a good range of- AirbnB or a hotels around here.'

Something like that!

"When you keep quiet to keep the peace, you cause a war inside yourself".

I love this.
OP, you have had a tough time as a child loosing your mother....just the absolute worst.

Wise words from@Arucanafeather.

However, there is nothing to be gained right now by beating yourself up and using precious energy being furious with yourself.

Don't go down that rabit hole as it is just a distraction from taking the required action.

The fact that she brings other children out but has stayed weeks with you without so much as buying them an ice cream is absolutely outrageous and infuriating.

Let your husband say it no longer suits.

Someone so selfish is always going to be a thorn.

His family, let him work it out.
She needs to stay with other family as it no longer suits you to host her.
She doesn't give a shit about your children, so she is no loss.

Then focus on your boy and your family.

Sorry you can't stay, we're turning our spare room into a sensory, calm space for DS 🤷‍♀️

If healthcare professionals have recommended a break from visitors, you should follow their advice

Otherwise, reducing from multiple week long stays to zero seems drastic. If I were DH's relative (I'm guessing his sister) I would be very hurt if I were unwelcome in his home. And on MN, there seem a lot of people who don't even like answering the door to visitors, far less hosting them. IRL, I find most people are more hospitable

I'd suggest a compromise eg contact them now to say that you find a two week visit quite onerous and next time they visit, you suggest maximum a week. And hold firm on that

And when they arrive, let them muck in a bit eg you put out sheets but leave them to make their own bed, ask them to babysit on Tuesdsy, ask them to cook dinner on Thursday, let them fit around you rather than you scurry around them

My sister goes to huge effort to accommodate visitors. She does give a Rolls Royce service, but feels resentful as its so much work. I've tried to suggest she lowers her standards a bit, but she's reluctant to do that. She's a bit of a martyr about it, TBH

You need to gets more assertive and say no. We live in a place that is desirable for others to come and visit. So far this summer we’ve had 2 relatives (my side) for 10 days. We had suggested 2-3 days and they booked their flights and then announced length of stay. So i told them when they arrived they could take DD with them on a couple of their sightseeing days as she was off school. Saved me money on camps. Then relatives on DHs side for 5 days. This weekend friends (altho we are happy to see them, it’s relentless hosting). My Dsis asked this week if Dniece could come and stay as she hasn’t had a holiday and has a few days of work and I said no. Felt mean but we have had no weekends alone all summer and it will be bad for everyone if I say yes and then fester about it. I simply told her I was at breaking point. She got it.

Just say no. I'm sorry we've too much on / DS issues. /whatever. You don't owe an explanation. They sound like a terrible guest, don't entertain them again.

At least you can relax slightly knowing your DH will step up and tell his relative "No, you can't come to stay again. Here's the number of local Premier Inn if you want it". How he deals with it is up to him, you don't have to be involved. You (and he) don't have to offer excuses or explain anything about your dc if you don't want to go into that just yet.

So his sister (let's say) comes on her own to your big house and uses it as a base to do other things.

She is in and out and makes plans last minute.

She isn't as tidy as you and does things differently to you.

But she will babysit for you occasionally?

To be honest - this is family, IMO. Although I think you are perfectly within your rights to limit the time to what you are comfortable with. However 4 hours travelling is quite a lot for a weekend.

If I were you it might be that I would stop playing host. No special meals for her - if she is in when dinner is being prepared then she is asked if she wants to join and extra gets cooked. You could say 'are you in for dinner tomorrow? If so can you pick up some bits at the supermarket?'

'Can you watch DC on Tuesday so we can have a date night?'

'Can you bring your cups straight to the kitchen?'

'Could you possibly load the dishwasher this morning, I'm rushing out'

It sounds a bit like your people pleasing is meaning they rather than making the trip work for both of you, you are not communicating what you need from her.

Don't worry about offending her, she'll either be happy with chipping in a bit more or she won't stay as long/as often.

You could even say to her to come as a guest for 3 days, or come as a member of the family for a week. That is her choice.

She is family, you have the right to communicate your needs with her rather than just keep quiet and smile as you would with a friend who you could just never see again if you didn't want to.