To say we can't welcome guests anymore?

[Lackofenergy]

Name changed. We got two children, DD8 and DS5, both of us , my DH and I, work full time , never had free child care or any help, moved to a bigger house in the last couple of years, this is relevant.
I am also a people pleaser, so my social compass is totally shrewd, hence this post.
Since we moved houses, we had a family member coming over to stay several times a year which on paper should be ok but in reality I am growing more and more resentful.
Last time this family member came to stay was in July. She stayed for two weeks, to do holiday things and catch up with other members of their family who have plenty of time free. DH and I work and children go to holiday club. So not time off for us.
They want to come over again at the end of August. This year, so far, they've stayed with us 6 weeks. They could stay with other family member but they wont , I suspect they wouldn't get catered the same way. They cooked once when he/she stayed last time. The time before they looked after our children one evening. I don't like asking for help so I end up exhausted most of the time , my fault. I feel my energy should be aimed towards my children and I feel guilty that they are not getting my full attention if that makes sense. Guest is polite enough but our standards around house keeping are different, for instance if I drink a coffee I 'll take my mug to the kitchen I don't just leave it ( for two days).
My DS behaviour is all over the place, currently trying to asses if he's on autistic / ADHD spectrum. I am really worried.
Please share thoughts on how to address this with member of family and DH.

OP,

I am saying this kindly, and don't wish to be harsh, but I think youbso badly need to reset.

Whilst I agree completely the guest is a complete user, you really need to take a hard look at yourself as a mother.

You are putting yourself so far ahead of your child and his needs, whilst you excuse yourself with this so convenient people pleaser label.

Your child is going through an assessment period, desperately needs routine and your limited time and focus, and instead of doing what is best for your child, your house and time is given as a priority to a family user.

Honestly, I find that extraordinary.

It really shouldn't be so hard for you to do the right thing for your child, but you are choosing not to, because that seems the easiest option for you.

That is really wrong of you.
Your child needs your attention and a guest free house.

I genuinely don't get how anyone would put a user ahead of her own child.

So what if your husband presses the nuclear button, thats on him if he chooses to do that.

Why are how YOU feel, and the feelings of this user guest, so much more important than a little boy who is struggling and being so badly let down?

It really is a no brainer to put your child first.

Very sad that you don't see that.

@Lackofenergy my advice would be to be blunt but polite to husband and guest. As you know DS is currently undergoing assessments and we’ve decided he needs total stability until he’s had them. Unfortunately this means no guests overnight for the time being. I’m sure you understand how critical this is for DS and thank you for understanding.

Simple and firm, do not back track to people please.

I think is more ignorance of how much extra work and inconvenience is to host someone so frequently. I dread the building up to the visit, I shouldn't feel like this.

We really love seeing you, but as we only had you stay last month, would be grateful if you could stay with someone else this time as I’m hoping my family will be coming to visit then.

You are absolutely right.
I am putting other people's wants before my own children needs.
And the worst part is that I do this over and over. I can see it when I look back but I can't see it when it is happening , does this make sense?
Never thought I would be in this position. When they were born I promised them I would give them the best life.

I'd say you're thinking of decorating ( the room they would stay in) and it's nearly
Term time again for children so isn't a good time. Suggest they stay with X instead.

Be strong, someone has to say 'No' firmly, end of conversation.

They are visiting far too much.

Your'e making it too easy for them! Anyone staying with us for that long would cease to be a guest and become part of the household. They would be given their share of the chores and asked, reminded, chivvied and then nagged to do them until done!

Two choices:

1. Do you just not want them to come again, in which case say it's to difficult with DC

1. DH has a chat and says you love having them to stay, but if they are coming to join your household again, you both need a bit of a support on a few things and then set out x,y, z.

YANBU. I'd avoid using excuses like decorating or end of term purely because if they are brass necked and you think you may find it difficult to hold your nerve they may just try to persuade you or badger you until a date a little further away is agreed. There's some great suggestions in this thread, id go with one of them that suggests a polite but very firm that doesn't work for us/we aren't having guests stay etc.

You 've just verbalized what I want to say.

I dont want to say house needs decorating, or my family is coming over or we going to be away ( did this before and she came to stay here on her own).

What@billy1966 said.

You have to start putting your child first, not taking the easy option for the sake of peace with difficult relatives.

I mean this kindly, but if it the case that your child has additional needs, you are going to have to get very very tough in terms of advocating for your child, and fighting for her/his needs.

Just say it's fine as you need holiday childcare for those 2 weeks so they'll be able to cover that while you work. Pretty sure they'll make their excuses!! Alternatively let you husband say no, they're his relatives.

Well done for owning it.

BUT, you know it NOW, BEFORE the event.

So you CAN say no or ask your husband to do it.

If you have a SEN you are going to have to learn to advocate for him and his needs.

Not doing so will be catastrophic for his future.

Get some assertive training, whatever.

But put your little boy first.

4 weeks is so completely ridiculous.

You are afraid of her blowing up?

So not only have you a user in the house you have a bully whose volatility you are afraid of?

Unbelievable.

Let him press the nuclear button.
You completely disengage, and start putting that little boy first for a change.

You can do this.

Exactly my thoughts

OP, you need to learn to say no. There’s a book called ‘the power of no’ it’s a very easy but powerful read. I’m mid 40s. Was brought up by a mum who never said no and still never says no. It appeared to be part of my female role to accommodate everything and everyone(learned behaviour). In the last 3 years I’ve learned to say no, both at home and at work and it is such an empowering feeling. The world doesn’t end and no-ones stopped speaking to me yet. Surely in the current cost of living crisis, at the very least, you need to tell this guest they have to financially contribute during their stay. But it’s absolutely fine just to say ‘sorry that doesn’t work right now’. If that seems tough start with ‘we can only do the weekend of those particular dates’. The person will keep coming unless you say no.

Not a chance they would do that, they haven't even taking them for an ice cream down the road, it hurts as a mother, took another niece for days out as they are not on holiday club .

@AperolWhore

Whilst I agree with what you write in principle.

I don't agree with "no overnight guests for the time being".

Your own family haven't visited.

I think this is going to be an ongoing issue, so your husband dealing with it might be best.

Let your husband say "No it doesn't suit us. We are busy with little boy."

That's it.

Why shouldn't your own family visit for a night?

You are not a B&B.

If it's your husbands family let him say no and said the message.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I definitely think there is a correlation on the way I was brought up, mum passed away when I was 10 and we girls had to always accommodate to other people's needs whilst growing up, again, I can see it now not at the time. Insight is a powerful thing

I am inclined to choice 1. As the thread goes on I am increasingly getting more upset and even angry as I am re- reading my own posts. I let my children down to accomodate a grown up person.

This person is taking the piss basically! Can your DH talk to the other person they could stay with and see if they can have them instead? Not that it's your job to do that but it may be a solution to give them and get them out of your hair!

If the simple message that you can't have her to stay again is received poorly by her, that's a her problem, not a you problem.

It is not your job to bend the whole family out of shape for weeks on end because she's spoilt/unreasonable/selfish. It is, rather, your job (as a couple) to be firm and clear. She might even learn something valuable, especially if she's still quite young.

You are being a doormat. You must have a lot of conditioning to be this much of a doormat. This person doesn't care about inconveniencing you at all. They come to visit other family members - they can take a turn staying with them. People like your guest have skin like a rhinoceros so you don't need to worry about hurting their feelings. Just say it isn't convenient - no rubbish about redecorating or anything else.

I do understand how you feel about your son. My son is on the spectrum. He is halfway through medical school - he has friends, and a partner and would be what used to be described as high-functioning. I worried so much about him when he was younger and struggling.

Oh bless you. Please be kind to yourself. That is such a lot to have gone through. Well done for surviving as a child. I have had this issue. Coping mechanisms that I developed to survive my childhood have caused me issues and illness in adulthood. Please don’t feel anything negative about how you developed this strategy to survive. It worked you did survive and have gone on to have a lovely nuclear family yourself. If you’re anything like me, then I would suspect the reason you can’t face your DH saying anything to their relative is that you fear the relative’s anger. In my childhood, I had to be careful not to anger others, as otherwise even my basic needs weren’t met. My DH had something similar with his childhood. It’s amazing what lengths you’ll go to to twist yourself to avoid what was fearful as a child. It’s a primal survival instinct a “reptilian” response that I know will never leave me. We’ve both been for separate private counselling and I’ve just spoken to doctor about trauma-focused deep level CBT to help me with the impact of my childhood. Like you, I just coped with tying myself in knots until it start to impact my children too. You sound very close to being able to make the changes you want to make but I would suggest getting some outside counselling help. (Try a few - as it took me three attempts to find someone who worked for me). My DH and I both accept that we will have an initial reaction, which we call our “reptilian moment” and so we have strategies that allow us to have that moment and give us time to work out what our actual mind wants to do. I’m still struggling but it has changed my life making these changes. Good luck with it all.

Ths^^all the way but do not give this user the any excuses just say it doesn't suit ,you will see how nice this family member really is.
Hope all goes well