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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we can't welcome guests anymore?

151 replies

Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 04:22

Name changed. We got two children, DD8 and DS5, both of us , my DH and I, work full time , never had free child care or any help, moved to a bigger house in the last couple of years, this is relevant.
I am also a people pleaser, so my social compass is totally shrewd, hence this post.
Since we moved houses, we had a family member coming over to stay several times a year which on paper should be ok but in reality I am growing more and more resentful.
Last time this family member came to stay was in July. She stayed for two weeks, to do holiday things and catch up with other members of their family who have plenty of time free. DH and I work and children go to holiday club. So not time off for us.
They want to come over again at the end of August. This year, so far, they've stayed with us 6 weeks. They could stay with other family member but they wont , I suspect they wouldn't get catered the same way. They cooked once when he/she stayed last time. The time before they looked after our children one evening. I don't like asking for help so I end up exhausted most of the time , my fault. I feel my energy should be aimed towards my children and I feel guilty that they are not getting my full attention if that makes sense. Guest is polite enough but our standards around house keeping are different, for instance if I drink a coffee I 'll take my mug to the kitchen I don't just leave it ( for two days).
My DS behaviour is all over the place, currently trying to asses if he's on autistic / ADHD spectrum. I am really worried.
Please share thoughts on how to address this with member of family and DH.

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 12/08/2022 09:46

BEAM123 · 12/08/2022 05:26

There can be big cultural differences on this but I think in your situation a max of 2-3 nights would be reasonable. Up to a week if they a) have to travel a long way to see you, b) you are the priority visit, and c) staying with you is the only way they can see you.

If they want a free holiday to primarily visit other relatives, they can stay with those relatives!!

This! ⬆️

BusyMum47 · 12/08/2022 09:48

NoToLandfill · 12/08/2022 05:25

I'd say you certainly can't welcome that particular guest any more. Not unreasonable at all. Next time (and every time) they book/ask to stay just say oh dear that doesn't work for us. Sorry we can't do those dates. Etc etc. You have no obligation to host.

And this! ⬆️

Hollywolly1 · 12/08/2022 09:50

Hungryharriet · 12/08/2022 09:32

You really don't need anyone staying with you at all, unless you specifically invite them.
Tell them that you are having problems establishing a routine with your son, and that too many people around will upset him.
They can stay in a nearby hotel.

I just can't agree on using the son as an excuse not fair on the child,the relative is a cf .just suppose the son had jo issues would the op be happy to host them fir what 10 weeks per year? I wouldn't think so.
Just say it doesn't suit and it's up to them to sort their own accommodation and no guilt

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 12/08/2022 09:52

Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 06:10

When I said nuclear option I didn't mean my DH being unreasonable or me worrying about managing his behaviour , didn't express myself properly. It's more on the lines of how the message would be received, I worry that would it cause damage in the relationship if that makes sense.

Show quote history

How other people react to you (or your husband) is not your responsibility to manage.

godmum56 · 12/08/2022 09:57

Stravaig · 12/08/2022 08:27

I don't want it to affect their relationship.

Yet your DH's relative clearly doesn't give a moments thought to how their frequent visits affect you, your relationship, your children and your family's wellbeing. Why is that okay with you? You bend over backwards for them whilst they exploit and abuse your goodwill, or more accurately, your dysfunctional boundaries.

Just say no. Discuss openly with DH - you should be a team on this. Or, if DH is part of the problem, could you perhaps seek the support of a therapist to work on your self-esteem and ability to set boundaries which work for you? There is truth to the old chestnut that people treat us the way we allow them to.

this. From what you have said, DH would be happy to support you? The issue as I understand it is that he would do it in a more forthright manner than you want him to? not sure why? Surely its his side of the family, he is a grown up person and its up to him to decide how he wants to handle it?

OakPine · 12/08/2022 09:58

One thing I have learned from mumsnet is that "No" is a complete sentence.

CF asks to stay for the 7th week this year and you don't want them to? Easy - you look them in the eye, you say "No" in an assertive and polite voice. And then you stop talking. Don't smile or laugh. Just keep a neutral face and wait for their response.

You don't need to prefix it with "Sorry" or say "It doesn't work for us" or come up with an excuse like you are decorating the room or blame it on your son.

I've tried it several times now. There is often an embarrassed pause, sometimes people laugh and say "well er ok then". But here's the truth - no-one has said "why?" or "that's unreasonable".

Perhaps they like me less, or think I'm a bit rude. But hey it works. It's like a superpower once you manage to do it.

Thanks Mumsnet!

JudgeJ · 12/08/2022 10:00

BEAM123 · 12/08/2022 05:26

There can be big cultural differences on this but I think in your situation a max of 2-3 nights would be reasonable. Up to a week if they a) have to travel a long way to see you, b) you are the priority visit, and c) staying with you is the only way they can see you.

If they want a free holiday to primarily visit other relatives, they can stay with those relatives!!

Why do 'cultural differences' get dragged into any discussion? If they're not good guests it doesn't matter who they are, they're not welcome. If in fact the OP is of a different culture then her response is 'in my culture we don't treat family like doormats'.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/08/2022 10:01

I can see it when I look back but I can't see it when it is happening , does this make sense?

It makes perfect sense - I used to do the same myself until I developed better ways - but what's less clear is why you're worried about "how the message will be received" if your DH speaks up
He sounds a decent man and had clearly also realised there's a problem, so surely the reception of any reasonably put remark is his relative's issue?

SomeCleverUsername · 12/08/2022 10:05

"He won't sleep till 11 o'clock, he touches all his food, he gets really thrown with any change of plans. But they still come to stay." They are being unbelievably selfish. Your DH needs to say no.

We have two severely disabled DC (autistic) and no one is allowed to stay with us anymore. It caused a lot of grumbling at first but people understand now (mainly after some awful stays...)

Pinkspice · 12/08/2022 10:06

OP you have several major issues that counselling could help you with. The loss of your mother at a young age; your strategy of people pleasing that you developed to cope with life; the diagnostic process you've been going through with your DC. Find a really good therapist who deals with loss and PTSD. Not just someone to chat to but an experienced therapist who can really help you. Go to Psychology Today, BACP or Counselling Directory, there are tons of therapists there. Speak to them on the phone before you meet to see if they'll be a good fit. Ask them how they'll work with your issues so you know they know what they're doing. The support and insight you'll receive could be life changing. Good luck!

SapphireSeptember · 12/08/2022 10:08

Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 06:39

You 've just verbalized what I want to say.

I dont want to say house needs decorating, or my family is coming over or we going to be away ( did this before and she came to stay here on her own).

Show quote history

She came to stay in your house while you were away? Fuck that! I hope she doesn't have a key. She's treating your home like a hotel. Either cos she's too stingy to pay for a hotel, or cos she doesn't like staying with the other family members in the area, although apparently doesn't mind treating the other kids in the family to days out while ignoring yours.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 12/08/2022 10:19

I agree with any previous posters who think you need to say, "It's time to let other people share the blessing of your company".

Sapphirensteel · 12/08/2022 10:26

Make it difficult for them, they’ll soon get fed up. We can’t do that week in August, we can do the second weekend in October Fri to Sun. Whatever date they suggest it doesn’t work for you. Always state a limit on a stay 3 days maximum. I learnt this the hard way when I lived in a big house in a holiday area. Was like running a hotel at times.

Buythebag40 · 12/08/2022 10:26

If this CF family member is such a precious flower that they would fall out with their brother (I'm assuming it's brother?) because they were told you're finding it difficult to have guests any more due to your ds's issues - they are really not worth your angst over the situation as they clearly don't give a shit about you and yours!

Zofloraeverywhere · 12/08/2022 10:27

You’ve had some good advice from pp. My suggestion is that you talk to your DH about how you feel and let him tell his sister no, she can’t visit. What’s the worst that can happen if you both say no to her? If she gets angry or doesn’t speak to you for a while, it will give you all some peace for a while! The sky won’t fall in if she’s upset by being told she’s taking advantage and she’ll soon get over being put in her place. You have to put your DS first in this situation.

There’s another book I’d recommend you to read called ‘Feel the fear but do it anyway’.

Pamlar · 12/08/2022 10:47

I have just been through same thing. Family using my home as a base for their holidays.
I love them but they can afford hotels and have other options they stay here bc it's free and we have a nice spare room.
I have has to be blunt and kind to myself and kids. It drove me mad that they would disrupt our lives for their holiday. They are both retired and would come during term time bc flights were cheaper etc -they booked flights and then informed me they were coming as a surprise.
I sent a message rather than calling and it being awkward.
It was something like: It's not convenient for us to host you this trip. Two kids are sitting exams... dd is at regular Dr appointments for an injury. I'm sorry to say no but it doesn't work for us at the moment and I don't want guests during a stressful time.
There was a bit of push back but I repeatedly told them no and they got it.
They have since asked for a shorter stay and I said no.
My husband thinks it's a bit mean. He is kinder than me. But I have held firm.
Good luck

FlimFlamJimJams · 12/08/2022 10:53

Sorry if it's already been suggested but would being gently honest not be the best way forward

"Hey X, we love having you over but unfortunately the strain of hosting guests means that we're not able to spend quality time as a family. The additional workload for meals, cleaning, tidying etc isn't something we can balance with young children. So excited to see you next Christmas/Birthday/New Year/Funeral"

As I get older I'm less inclined to make excuses as it generally just makes the problem worse. Tell her in the nicest possible way she's a freeloading arsehole Grin

justmaybenot · 12/08/2022 10:56

Lackofenergy · 12/08/2022 06:27

You are absolutely right.
I am putting other people's wants before my own children needs.
And the worst part is that I do this over and over. I can see it when I look back but I can't see it when it is happening , does this make sense?
Never thought I would be in this position. When they were born I promised them I would give them the best life.

Show quote history

Don't feel too bad about it, your dc's needs have probably been gradually unfolding with age and weren't predictable. While you're now wanting to prioritise your children over other people - which is great - I hope you also have even a small amount of time for yourself as you will need it with the worry and challenges that having a child with additional needs brings.

I think the best advice you have had here is the one that seems to be most honest - that is, to say to the relative that your dc is undergoing assessment, and having them to stay would be too disruptive. Also, that your dc finds managing change difficult (such as an additional person in the house) so for the foreseeable future you can't accommodate them staying. Best of luck with it - for someone to go nuclear on that is wholly unreasonable.

Fundays12 · 12/08/2022 11:00

As a parent of a child with asd and adhd I wouldn’t allow this. My aunt came once for 4 nights. She is helpful and the kids like her. It did not affect ds routine as we all stuck to it. She knew in advance it was important. I have no issues with her coming again. I would not allow anyone to stay for 2 weeks especially if they area basically using our home to stay and get fed. It’s your home the answer is no. Tell them it affects your child’s routine and you cannot facilitate it.

Fundays12 · 12/08/2022 11:03

Fundays12 · 12/08/2022 11:00

As a parent of a child with asd and adhd I wouldn’t allow this. My aunt came once for 4 nights. She is helpful and the kids like her. It did not affect ds routine as we all stuck to it. She knew in advance it was important. I have no issues with her coming again. I would not allow anyone to stay for 2 weeks especially if they area basically using our home to stay and get fed. It’s your home the answer is no. Tell them it affects your child’s routine and you cannot facilitate it.

Also please don’t feel bad I have had to become what some people would say is “selfish”. It’s not i do what I have to ensure my child with additional support needs feels safe, comfortable and happy. This means less meltdowns and stress on all of us.

billy1966 · 12/08/2022 11:10

Pamlar · 12/08/2022 10:47

I have just been through same thing. Family using my home as a base for their holidays.
I love them but they can afford hotels and have other options they stay here bc it's free and we have a nice spare room.
I have has to be blunt and kind to myself and kids. It drove me mad that they would disrupt our lives for their holiday. They are both retired and would come during term time bc flights were cheaper etc -they booked flights and then informed me they were coming as a surprise.
I sent a message rather than calling and it being awkward.
It was something like: It's not convenient for us to host you this trip. Two kids are sitting exams... dd is at regular Dr appointments for an injury. I'm sorry to say no but it doesn't work for us at the moment and I don't want guests during a stressful time.
There was a bit of push back but I repeatedly told them no and they got it.
They have since asked for a shorter stay and I said no.
My husband thinks it's a bit mean. He is kinder than me. But I have held firm.
Good luck

Good for you.

Beautiful3 · 12/08/2022 11:53

As a people pleaser, you're putting other people's needs before your children's. That's wrong. You really need to think about what's best for your children. If that means no over night visitors, then that's what has to happen. As long as you explain nicely to your relative, why they can't stay, it should be well recieved. If it is not, then they don't have good intentions towards you and your children.

Broadhillbaby · 13/08/2022 18:09

Tell them you are going away yourselves for a few days and will be unavailable on their dates.

Gingernan · 13/08/2022 18:14

The relative probably doesn't realise how much stress it puts on you...you have much too much going on with your children,your husband should tell the relative this. Looking back when I was a teenager I probably dumped myself on relatives a bit too much.I was always very helpful,not the point really.Families need their own space.

Justoneconfusedperson · 13/08/2022 18:47

Not unreasonable in the slightest!! I moved to a lovely house in a typical holiday destination. One family member invited themselves to stay for a total of 4 months over the course of 3 trips in 1 year, my first year in my own home. It got to the point it was affecting my mental health. The day I stood up for myself and said no a weight was lifted. Nip it in the bud now, the more you allow it the more they will push your boundaries and the more their entitlement will grow!