Mums who overtalk friends to speak with their kids?

[Bellysmackers]

Have times changed? When I was young I was taught to keepe quiet when adults were speaking.

I don't have children myself, but have friends who do, and I've noticed that when they visit with their toddlers I can't get a word in edgeways! Mum is constantly chatting away to the child/asking if he needs a wee/wants an apple blah blah. I end up in most cases just sitting and watching them interact. It's as though I'm not even there I find it pretty rude tbh and wonder why they even bothered visiting.

I completely understand children are demanding and need attention- but sometimes halfway through a sentence they just randomly lose total interest. It's as though they are all consumed by Motherhood and have totally forgotten how to hold an adult convo!

Thoughts...

There's a balance isn't there. It's like everything else

You are right kids have no manners anymore. I used to nanny for boy who told me and his mum to shut up as he couldn’t hear the tv when I was debriefing her on the day.

she actually started to stammer and apologise.

I've had kids of my own. I was responsive to their needs, but also responsive to my friends. When my own were toddlers I was still frustrated and annoyed when friends, having invited me round, didn't take in a word I was saying because they were too busy gazing at or chatting rubbish to their own kids.

A week or two ago I travelled a considerable distance to visit friends for a couple of hours, at their request. Their five year old not only interrupted us constantly to get her parents attention, she demanded mine as well. While I responded by saying I'd look at whatever it was she was wanting to show me, by saying "oh lovely, I'll come and look when I've finished talking to daddy", my friends just gave her all their attention and I might as well not have been there.

On the long drive home I realised that my friends had barely spoken to me, and every subject we tried to talk about had never gone anywhere after the first 20 or 30 seconds.

Basically its possible to be a responsive parent AND give your friends a respectful amount of attention.

Yes, and it can be awful.

There is a happy medium. However, on more than one occasion (with different mums), I have been speaking, the child has said something / needed something, so I stop talking, while the mum deals with it. I wait for them to say "sorry, go ahead"......but they don't They give more focus to the child than needed, then just start a totally different conversation. Usually about the child. I just find it all incredibly awkward. I won't get into a "who shouts the loudest" competition with kids, but it seems like if you don't, these mums won't even try to listen to you.

On the other hand though, I am a mum and I get the complete frustration of trying to have a conversation with kids constantly interrupting.

As I say, it's about finding the balance, and I know despite my best efforts I don't always get it right.

I was showing a house to let once and it was a couple and two boys, aged about 6 and 7? It was the house that would be next door to mine and by the end of it I think I managed to put them off completely .
I had half an hour to show the two bed terrace farm property and it took over an hour because the boys kept interrupting me with pointless drivel, showing me stones they had picked up, or telling me about what tv character they liked and why. Every time I began a sentence they interrupt and I would smile and say "that's nice... anyway, the rent is..... no, I'm sorry, I don't watch Dora the Explorer.... as I was saying, the rent is £380 per cal..... oh, yes, that is a nice shell.... the rent is due on the first....... no sorry, there aren't any sheep you can pet.... right, where was I? Oh yes, rent is due on the first of each month with a deposit... oh no dear, please don't climb on that building, it's not safe. (To parents:) Could you ask him to get down please? No, no it is actually quite dangerous. He's not allowed up there. Yes I appreciate that you think he'll be fine but it is against the rules here...." I tried to talk over the children but the parents just smiled sweetly, letting their kids interrupt me or turning to talk to them themselves leaving me standing there like a total twat wondering what the hell I was doing. It wasn't even paid work. It was a favour to my landlord.

It absolutely gave me the rage. My own children would have had "the look" and shut the hell up. You don't interrupt grown ups and if it's important then the parent should apologise, quickly deal with it and continue.

I wouldn't say that I adhere to the children should be seen and not heard school of thought but I do believe that an adult conversation does take precedence over children jabbering away about nothing just for attention.

Friends teenager ! Won’t leave us alone when we are talking. ‘I want to listen to your conversation’.
’well I don’t want you to hear, piss off’.

OMG yea I know one of these! Wants to be part of the ‘gang’ 🙄 whatever happened to normal teenagers who think their parents are the saddest things going and couldn’t possible have anything interesting to say with their friends, so they steer clear entirely (so parents and friends can drink wine and slag them off 😂)

Children grow up and move out. Friendships last a lifetime

THIS!!

I honestly think so many women forget this!

or they don’t care if they have no pals when they’re older because they were never really bothered about their friends and they never really liked going out. Which could be the case as this is mumsnet - so many talk about how they hate going out and just want to stay home all day all evening every single day

@Tothemoonandbackx

if she did want kids, she may have changed her mind by the sheer amount of women who think it’s fine to ignore a dear friend to indulge in chat about nothing with a toddler

@Christmasiscominghohoho

can you? How?

not all women who have kids disrespect their pals and bow to their kids every whim

It’s not some universal thing that when you have a kid you become so consumed with them you can’t tell your kid who just wants to talk drivel about dinosaurs or whatever to wait whilst you or your friend finishes her sentence

it is GOOD for kids to learn the world doesn’t revolve around them - surely no one can argue with that?!

YANBU.

Unfortunately children do not come with an off button. It takes time and patience to teach toddlers boundaries and parents will take in to account how tired child is, if they are in a new environment, if a lot is being expected already. This may not be a suitable time for 'teaching' so parent adapts accordingly. It doesn't mean they are not working on it with their child. Do you really struggle to pause what you saying while another person speaks? Imagine how the toddler feels!!!

@ChiefWiggumsBoy that's funny because her OP mentions toilets and snacks

What is the bluey technique please?

@Snapcrackleandhop

You point in the distance and shout 'omg it's bluey'

The child then goes off and you're left with sweet silence

It’s the thing described upthread with a hand on your arm. It works well for my eldest, my youngest isn’t there yet but fortunately my friends are understanding that it’s a learning process

So after discovering the first time that there's no bluey, a child continues to wander of looking for bluey 🤔

Yes please

Says the grown up who has not quite grown up.

I completely understand children are demanding and need attention- but sometimes halfway through a sentence they just randomly lose total interest. It's as though they are all consumed by Motherhood and have totally forgotten how to hold an adult convo!

YABU OP. I was one of the last in our social circle to have kids and can see it from both sides. Toddlers are hard work, and your friend is making an effort to see you when she could take her young dc to the park or softly so this shows she cares about you. Next time, why don't you meet up at a soft play so her kiddo can have fun while you chat? Or go out without the toddler?

IMO it is you who is not being the adult here as you are being needy and competing with a toddler for their mum's attention 😂.

I presume this is sarcasm. Are you genuinely claiming that your relationships with your mates will outlast those with your children?

@ladydimitrescu How do you think kids who are indulged and allowed to butt into conversations and take all the attention in any room are going to grow up? Exactly as you've described I'd bet. How would they know any different?

Talking over other people and butting into a conversation you're not involved in is rude as an adult, so that needs to be taught starting in childhood.

I say to mine. "One second I'm just talking to Jennifer" etc. Then when that part of out conversation is finished then if they are still wanting to say something, I let them. If it's an indepth conversation and they have been waiting patiently and there I might say to friend, "so sorry I will just see what they want and then I can concentrate on what you are saying".

What can I say

Kids are silly

Small children are determined to make sure that their mother has no interests outside of attending to their needs. They're annoying, selfish little blighters. If you want to have an actual adult conversation, children have to be banished.

There were times when I really felt like locking mine in the shed just so I could have five minutes "adult time" with a friend.

That's an awful thing to do.

I never think the child is rude I’m these scenarios, they are learning and need to be taught when it’s ok to interrupt. The adult on the other hand that thinks the conversation they are having with me is of such little relevance that they’ll begin a completely new one with someone else even if that someone else is 4, is being a dick! Toilet accidents, injuries excluded