Mums who overtalk friends to speak with their kids?

[Bellysmackers]

Have times changed? When I was young I was taught to keepe quiet when adults were speaking.

I don't have children myself, but have friends who do, and I've noticed that when they visit with their toddlers I can't get a word in edgeways! Mum is constantly chatting away to the child/asking if he needs a wee/wants an apple blah blah. I end up in most cases just sitting and watching them interact. It's as though I'm not even there I find it pretty rude tbh and wonder why they even bothered visiting.

I completely understand children are demanding and need attention- but sometimes halfway through a sentence they just randomly lose total interest. It's as though they are all consumed by Motherhood and have totally forgotten how to hold an adult convo!

Thoughts...

Drives.Me.Mad!!! Halfway through a convo with someone, child demands immediate attention, Mummy cuts off conversation with me to discuss the ins and outs of having her hair tied up because its not, which bobble would she like, oh, none of them, ok so then discuss going to the shop at the weekend and buying some but no, the shop is closed at the moment so we can't go now......
Bloody rude!

Meanwhile my MIL complains about mothers in cafes ignoring children trying to get their attention while they carry on their conversation with a friend. Mothers will never get it right, the next generation are doomed and it’s all their fault

You may remember being taught to be quiet when adults were speaking, but I doubt you remember the toddler stage, before you learned that!

There is a balance to be struck, and I'm sure some mums are better than others at balancing conversation with their friends with giving their toddlers the attention they need, but you can't expect a toddler to have learned not to interrupt yet.

Yeah, not what anyone is saying, but nevermind.

sometimes it is good for kids to be seen and not heard

sometimes

eg if mums having a friend round for an hour and the kids has all they need then yeah they can be seen but not heard and keep themselves to themselves for an hour whilst mum and friend chat and catch up

honestly! How can anyone take umbrage to that?!

@GucciPearls

?

Why should a child want or have to sit quietly while parents chat on for hours? Boring for them.

Presume no-one is forcing the child to sit and listen to boring conversation for hours. They are free to go and do something else.

Yup

mother and child do not have to be glued to each other 24/7

contrary to what some mummy martyrs on here spout

My friends without children keep coming over so I assume I don’t do this too much. But as a mother of toddlers quite honestly I’m thinking in this scenario that if my friends do feel this way then really what is the point. Friend not enjoying it and feeling crap, child not enjoying it, mother surrounded by needy people who will never be pleased. Trying to maintain the friendship with visits like this is pointless. Either see each other without children present or abandon it

What age chidkren does mummy martyrdom kick in?

Well, it would be a start. Personally I'd be happy not to see them either.

I had a cancer scare in my early 30s and met with a very close friend for some support. I told her in advance I wanted to talk about something serious but she turned up with her 4 year old. It was absolutely pointless. I’d get thirty seconds into what I wanted to say and then she’d go, “do you want a snack? you’ve been so good today, you can have a snack! Yes you can. Yes what would you like? This is what I have with me, what do you want?”

etc etc etc

Then she’d realise I was still there, apologise, ask me to start again, and then thirty seconds later it’d been all, “aren’t you a good girl choosing the snack all by yourself? Do you want mummy to help you open it?”

etc etc etc

Once child was eating I thought right finally I can finish even one sentence but once I started again she went, “do you want to look at mummy’s phone?”

I honestly gave up on the friendship there and then. She never did find out about the cancer scare which thankfully was negative…

It all comes down to appropriately responding to your child's interruption.

If they announce they need a wee, then obviously conversation pauses while you take your child to the loo. If they interrupt the conversation to ask which is your favourite Pokémon, then they get this look and a terse reminder not to interrupt.

This was my first thought 🤣🤣

YANBU I have a friend who does this - literally cuts me off mid sentence to talk to her child. That was bad enough, but now she has a dog and she d

Does the same with the dog!! I've given up now. Haven't seen them for months.

YANBU, I hate it when people let their kids interrupt. The rule in my house is you can interrupt if you’re dying or on fire, that’s it, otherwise you wait until the conversation is finished.

But it’s ok for mums to ignore their children to speak to their demanding friend?

And this attitude towards a friend is the reason some mothers lose their friends when they have children.

If mine (aged 4 and 3) try to interrupt, I usually say "wait a moment, mummy's talking" or similar, finish my sentence or listen to the end of a friends sentence and respond, turn full attention to DC, listen to them and answer them, and then carry on the conversation with my friend. Kind of a middle ground I hope!

I don't think kids should be sen and not heard but they do need to learn the appropriate times to interrupt.

Toddlers needing a wee is one thing but DS was taught that there were times when I only dealt with emergencies - and one of those was when an adult was speaking to me.

But I rarely met up with a child free friend with DS as it would have been difficult concentrating on both!

I think we all find if rude when adults interrupt, and children somehow have to learn how to participate in conversion.
So yes, I do think we need to pull our kids up if they interrupt so they learn how to communicate.
A toddler is slightly different, but I think if you're visiting a friend, you set the toddler up doing something and then hope they leave you in peace for a bit!
If the child is happy then I don't think the adult needs to keep engaging with them - it's ok for them to see Mum has friends. And they may learn that even though mum isn't right there engaging, if she's needed then she'll be there (loo, cut finger).
If you go visiting with a child who needs to be asked repeatedly about the loo then maybe it's not an ideal time to visit (obviously I understand that's not always possible but I guess you'd explain to your host)

How old are these children? Because I call bullshit if you think you had the manners at two years old to not interrupt an adult.

Of course ‘mothers’ don’t want to be interrupting to talk to their children, but they’re putting parenting first before themselves - I’d you don’t like it, only spend time with them when their children aren’t around.

Absolutely a thing. I remembered being told off for it as a child and I was basically just cutting into an adult conversation (with my opinion- but older and I still have a habit of doing it now). It is rude and not okay. Adults have a responsibly to children which includes them learning social norms. This starts from day one.

I am amazed by the number of my peers (and I work in a child centred profession) who are anti devices because they are bad, but then say they use them in restaurants for their sanity. They would probably consider me a lazy parent in lots of ways, however I would never allow my child to be on their phones/ipad when eating out. I consider any adult who does the same to be bloody rude so why would I introduce this as the norm for a toddler.

I am a single parent so have had to bring a child along (suggested by other people attending rather than not being able to go). Children learn from the behaviour around them. So if you have an extended family who get together and all get pissed whilst the children are left to themselves, normal. If you take your child along to things with consent, people chat to them and treat them as little humans, normal. If you go out for a meal and give your child an ipad, normal.

I have a friend who spends so long explaining to her DC why its rude to interrupt / she is in the middle of talking about abc with xyz / she doesn't want to stop her conversation to deal with something non urgent etc that I'd rather she just bloody deal with what the kids want.

Mine seem to wait until I am in adult company to want to ask questions and generally have a chit chat. They are better now they are older.

My friends all have kids though (varying ages) so we kind of get it. I've never taken offence to be interrupted by friends kids but I do make sure my important friendships have plenty of adult only time. That way we can avoid interruptions full stop.

Yep, I have friends like this. They were also the mum-bores when our kids were toddlers - every conversation topic turned back to them speaking about their kids. Honestly could have been politics, religion or a cheese sandwich - anything and everything some how related back to their child. Snooze.