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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that no, you don’t “deserve” new clothes.

161 replies

TraceyTheHamster · 11/08/2022 15:25

I know I’m being snobby, but can anyone see where I’m coming from?

I’ve got a friend who is always skint. I know it isn’t easy for her; as Universal credit is her only income. I’m regularly lending her money for everyday expenses; food, rent etc. she owes me several hundred pounds at this point.

We’d pre-arranged to meet in town for a coffee this morning. She’s asks if we can pop to town for a couple bits… turns out she’s had the £300 cost of living payment and has just spent pretty much all of it on new clothes, make-up etc.

I had visions of getting a text from her in a weeks time asking to borrow £20 for food… so I gently suggested that she save some of it.

She got a bit snotty with me and replied that she hasn’t had been clothes in ages and “deserves” them.

Aibu to think this isn’t what the cost of living payment is for!

OP posts:
lisavanderpumpscloset · 11/08/2022 15:28

It's nothing to do with you what she spends her money on.

But stop giving her money.

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2022 15:28

Of course it isn’t but realistically, you weren’t going to get a good response. Just stop lending her money and agree a payment plan with her. Not that she’ll stick to it. You’re probably going to have to accept that money is gone.

Overthebow · 11/08/2022 15:29

We’ll she can spend the cost of living payment however she chooses but I hope she doesn’t ask for money later on.

I agree with you though about the deserving thing, I’ve noticed it more and more in recent years with people spending on things like expensive clothes and holidays saying they deserve them, then moaning about not having enough money.

chatterbug22 · 11/08/2022 15:30

Of course people deserve clothes, people can be in financial hardship for all sorts of reasons. Everyone deserves to feel confident in their clothing.

It is more costly to be poor (buy cheap coat, replace every winter, buy cheap shoes, replace more often).

I am glad people who received the payment could treat themselves however they wanted to, it might’ve been years since the last time they did.

Ffsmakeitstop · 11/08/2022 15:30

I think you need to stop lending aka giving her money. When she pleads poverty then you can say "that's why you told her to save some".
Some people might say it's not your business but it is when it affects you.

chatterbug22 · 11/08/2022 15:31

Oh I didn’t read properly the bit about her owing you money. Not great. Stop lending it to her.

PerfectRun · 11/08/2022 15:31

This is why the payment is a bad idea, at least in this form. She won't be the only one spending it this way and it will fuel inflation, so the benefit to those who are "sensible" will be negated too.

But of course she was never going to take kindly to you judging how she spends her money. Stop supporting her if it bothers you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2022 15:33

That message has been sold to us as consumers. It's very pervasive. Even advertising slogans use it. She's just swallowed it. And I'm not surprised because it's been fed to us for decades.

Practically, just stop lending her money.

YouCantSpellAmericaWithoutErica · 11/08/2022 15:37

Never loan money you can’t afford to lose yourself. That’s on you.

As for how your friend spends her money, that’s not any of your business.

Original poster
TraceyTheHamster · 11/08/2022 15:45

I know it’s no business of mine how she spends her money. It was just the “deserve” comment that miffed me a bit.

Its a little bit like saying you need something when you in fact just want it. Everyone needs new clothes now and then; but no one needs to spend £300 at once on clothes!

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 11/08/2022 15:46

YABU to tell her to save it, instead of giving you £300 towards what she owes you!

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2022 15:47

Have you agreed anything about his she’ll pay you back? I understand being annoyed with her telling you she is treating herself so extravagantly when she owes you a lot of money. Don’t you deserve to be repaid?

wednesday32 · 11/08/2022 15:53

Relying on a reduced income such as UC can be quite depressing especially if your friend already struggles to budget the money she currently receives. Perhaps some new clothes will help lift her spirits and allow her to have comfortable clothing for the remainder of the year. I would suggest putting this to one side and instead focus your energy on discussing a repayment plan with her to start getting your money back you lent. I would be more pissed at the fact she owes you money then spent £300 on things that may not have been necessities in other peoples eyes. Stop enabling her to mismanage money by bailing her out. Next time she asks for money just say as you haven't received back any of the X amount that has already been borrowed you aren't in a position to lend anymore. Instead, offer to help her plan a budget or look for ways to reduce outgoings (can she cancel a x subscription or reduce her phone bill), or increase her income (switch banks to one that offers £100 for switching ie Nationwide, can she sell any unused/unwanted items on fb or boot sale)

Original poster
TraceyTheHamster · 11/08/2022 15:56

@wednesday32 I’ve offered this before, but she got annoyed with me when I suggested she postpone her holiday (£200-odd a month payments) that was another thing she “needed”

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 11/08/2022 15:57

I think the problem.is the money she owes you.. I assume you are not expecting to be repaid so next time you say no..

There is so much we don't know is she/can she work? Does she actually need clothes?

I honestly think if she didn't owe you the money you wouldn't be bothered

Cervinia · 11/08/2022 15:59

Tbh she’s done you a favour, you now have an absolute perfect excuse to not lend give her another penny.

I'm skint can you lend me a tenner for the electric? These energy bills are killing me.

sorry mate, I don’t have it, and you haven’t paid me back all the money you owe me or saved anything from the cost of living payment. I have nothing to give you.

neverbeenskiing · 11/08/2022 15:59

Stop lending her money. You're clearly not going to get it back.

cadburyegg · 11/08/2022 16:02

I think it's rude of you to tell her what to do with her money. Maybe she hasn't had new clothes in ages and does need some. She can't turn up to job interviews in rags.

FWIW I spent my first cost of living payment on school uniform and swimming lessons for my kids. I'll put the next one in my octopus account. I'm sure some people will judge me for it but it's none of their business.

Don't lend her any more money. You're creating a bit of an imbalance where you feel resentful of what she spends her money on

EmergencyHepNeeded · 11/08/2022 16:03

You are the one who deserves something and that is to receive your money back!

HotCaterpillar · 11/08/2022 16:06

Yanbu. She sounds very irresponsible and will probably be moaning that she can't afford food and utilities in a couple of months time.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 11/08/2022 16:06

Stop bailing her out everytime she messes up. If she wants to buy new clothes, she can, but she can also figure out where her money for food is coming from. It's on her, she's a big girl, she's an adult, she can find for herself. It's a no from now on for loans.

Teddeh · 11/08/2022 16:07

Well, she can do what she likes with her payment, but when it's gone it's gone until she gets the next one. If she needs more money that she brings in on a regular basis, she has to either bring in more or prioritise her spending better. But you're not a bank and (I assume) can't afford to subsidise her month after month. If the borrowing has been going on for a while and she never repays you, I'd consider no more lending but treating her occasionally instead and not even pretending it's a loan, might make you feel less frustrated with her.

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2022 16:08

FWIW I spent my first cost of living payment on school uniform and swimming lessons for my kids. I'll put the next one in my octopus account. I'm sure some people will judge me for it but it's none of their business.

Presumably you don’t owe a lot of money to a good friend? That’s the issue here.

pasturesgreen · 11/08/2022 16:10

You need to stop giving lending her money, OP.

10HailMarys · 11/08/2022 16:11

Why on earth are you lending her hundreds of pounds if she never pays you back? Next time she asks, say no and that's that.

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