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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that no, you don’t “deserve” new clothes.

161 replies

TraceyTheHamster · 11/08/2022 15:25

I know I’m being snobby, but can anyone see where I’m coming from?

I’ve got a friend who is always skint. I know it isn’t easy for her; as Universal credit is her only income. I’m regularly lending her money for everyday expenses; food, rent etc. she owes me several hundred pounds at this point.

We’d pre-arranged to meet in town for a coffee this morning. She’s asks if we can pop to town for a couple bits… turns out she’s had the £300 cost of living payment and has just spent pretty much all of it on new clothes, make-up etc.

I had visions of getting a text from her in a weeks time asking to borrow £20 for food… so I gently suggested that she save some of it.

She got a bit snotty with me and replied that she hasn’t had been clothes in ages and “deserves” them.

Aibu to think this isn’t what the cost of living payment is for!

OP posts:
Ulovememore · 11/08/2022 16:12

lisavanderpumpscloset · 11/08/2022 15:28

It's nothing to do with you what she spends her money on.

But stop giving her money.

This. Some people are terrible with money and use money to make themselves feel better. What they need is help to manage money. Eg go to the poundshop and spend £15 on hair, make up and nails.

I “had” to get new clothes yesterday thanks to getting huge and obvious stains on my dress, so I bought the cheapest ones I could find that looked acceptable. I was furious with myself for needing to spend the money in the first place.

Ziggyisthebestdogintheworld · 11/08/2022 16:17

I have a mate like this

She doesn’t pay her bills-she just ignores the letters as she can’t afford to pay them

However she gets paid then seems to spend it on takeaway coffee,takeaways,booze,clothes,milkshakes from maccys for the dog and crap from charity shops-I’ve seen her dump £150 in one day on tat but then I get the crying messages saying she’s got no money left

her wages are gone within the week-then she goes running to her mum and disabled son for money to feed herself/bailiffs at the door-they ‘lend’ her money and so it goes on

shes just had a 1k tax rebate and instead of paying back her mum and son,she bought an electric bike (she never goes far enough to use it-it will rot in her shed like the last one)

within days,her washer broke-mum and son step up again on top of what they’ll give her to buy food/electric/gas etc as she was skint-she’d just blown 1k on this bike (my dryer broke at the same time and I had to save over two paydays to replace it)

she’ll get paid and back to buying the crap until her money has gone again

i know I sound judgemental but I’m sick of the messages and she owes me money (not loads but I need it back)

she’s in her late 50’s and she really should have learnt by now,but nope-she deserves all what she buys as ‘I work just over part time hours so I deserve a treat or twenty’-it’s up to everyone else to make sure she doesn’t go hungry

Georgeskitchen · 11/08/2022 16:20

The wise people are the ones who will use the money to stock up on a few non perishables and then maybe put some by to offset the rise in energy bills.
They are are the ones less likely to be complaining further down the line that they can't feed their kids/pay the electricity bill

wednesday32 · 11/08/2022 16:20

If your offer of help with a budget is not well received then certainly never offer any more money in future. You have offered her your help and she has rejected it. Just keep money out of your friendship.

TokyoSushi · 11/08/2022 16:22

Agree she can spend it on what she likes, but really, don't lend her any more.

midgetastic · 11/08/2022 16:25

Georgeskitchen · 11/08/2022 16:20

The wise people are the ones who will use the money to stock up on a few non perishables and then maybe put some by to offset the rise in energy bills.
They are are the ones less likely to be complaining further down the line that they can't feed their kids/pay the electricity bill

The payment doesn't touch the sides of what is required for many people

I am almost thinking people are better having some fun with it because they will be struggling either way

GeriSignfeld · 11/08/2022 16:26

Am recovering from addiction & this attitude of "deserving" a treat is what I'd tell myself everytime I went out to score.

It's not a healthy attitude to have, because we all "deserve" good things but that doesn't mean we necessarily should, or can have them.

It's a short sighted mindset because your friend deserves to have savings, to not feel stressed about money, to have disposable income.

But sadly she doesn't have those things, because she's in the mindset of wanting to have what she "deserves" in that immediate moment.

Many people are impulsive & want the rush that instant gratification can bring. That's understandably frustrating for others to watch them make the same mistake repeatedly. You can lose respect if someone you know lacks impulse control & makes poor life decisions.

I would advise not giving this person money in future & avoid talking about finances when possible, as it's only going to serve to frustrate you further. Accept your friend as she is & stay out of her financial woes in the interests of preserving your friendship!

sleepymum50 · 11/08/2022 16:29

There are some people who are not good with money. I am 4 years younger than my sister and she is always broke. Even when I was 14, I saved my pocket money. I had more money at 16 when I was at college and working partime and she was working full time. We were both living at home rent free.

Those who are bad with money often can’t or won’t deprive themselves of the things they want today instead of saving for tomorrow. I believe studies have shown that people who are able to show deferred gratification tend to have more successful lives.

So, as annoying as your friend is, just be thankful you can manage your money.

And of course only lend her what you can afford to lose.

I lent my sister £200 in 1988. She later told me she would pay it back when I ‘needed it’. I’m still waiting.

SunnyD44 · 11/08/2022 16:30

YABU

Stop lending her money and then moaning about it when you know she’s irresponsible.

And of course she can spend the money on what she likes as when it comes time to pay her bills someone like you will just lend her the money.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 16:31

She’s not a friend, she’s a user. And you sound like you’ve run out of good will, not before time. I’d write off the money which I doubt you’ll ever see again and stop seeing her.

imshapedlikeatoenail · 11/08/2022 16:32

It’s her look out if she’s skint, you can’t control how she spend her money. But I wouldn’t be lending her anymore.

when she asks you for money in a week, tell her she’ll have to return some of the clothes for a refund.

NewMoney1000000 · 11/08/2022 16:33

My DS claimed universal credit for one month while in between jobs, he unexpectedly got the payment and spent on an item to add to a collection he has.

RethinkingLife · 11/08/2022 16:34

Stop giving her money. She has a completely unrealistic outlook on budgeting because you're plausibly not the only person from whom she 'borrows'.

catandcoffee · 11/08/2022 16:34

Regardless of how she spent that money, she'd not get a penny off me again.
Will you continue to fund her lifestyle, OP. ?

UseOfWeapons · 11/08/2022 16:35

You’re being unreasonable to lend her any money. She never be able work within such a limited budget if you keep supplementing her income. Ask her to pay you back at a small sum a week until it’s paid off, then no more. If you are expecting to be repaid, that is.

TheNoodlesIncident · 11/08/2022 16:36

You're enabling her to not learn by lending her money when she has spent it all. If you stop doing that, she'll have to find other mugs ways to pay her way.

But you won't get your money back from her and most likely she'll drop you like a hot potato if you don't "lend" her any more. This is because she is a user masquerading as a friend. Suppose her thought process is along the lines of "If I spend this on clothes and make up I might be short for the gas bill, but I can get £x from TraceyTheHamster for that". Would you be comfortable with that?

bloodywhitecat · 11/08/2022 16:40

You need to close the Bank of Friend.

HMSSophia · 11/08/2022 16:40

"I deserve" is an indicator of how selfish, greedy and short-termist we in the West have become. I cringe when I hear it. It's got fuck all to do with self-care, valuing yourself, and everything to do with indulging yourself regardless of the subsequent consequences.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2022 16:44

The 'deserve' comment would probably piss me off, but if she'd used the word 'need' instead - I may well have agreed with her.

  • Winter coat / boots /warm clothing - because let's face it, all our houses will be cold this winter :(
  • Underwear - when the elastic is so stretched your knickers barely stay up any more, and the underwiring has come out of your bra and your fingers have created holes either side of the fastening at the back
  • Shoes - there comes a point when your everyday shoes genuinely wear out and you can feel every pavement irregularity through the thinned soles
  • General clothing - clothes do wear out! If you wear a small number of items day after day, your t-shirts will develop holes at the underarms, maybe a tiny hole or two in the main body, rub through on seams, that coffee stain you can't get out - sometimes, you do need to replace worn-out clothes.
So it would very much depend what she meant by 'deserve'.
Ulovememore · 11/08/2022 16:47

Good sense spoken on this thread but I feel like I should say it’s important we aren’t bashing people pushed beyond their limits by the cost of living crisis. Some of us are working every day and still barely able to get food and not in minimum wage jobs. So, there’s that. The relentlessness of it can get alot

switchoff1 · 11/08/2022 16:47

YABU in terms of questioning what she spends her money on as such, I get it as you lend her money and she owes you money too, I can see why you’d question it at the end of the day it’s her decision. However as much as she’s your friend I wouldn’t lend her anymore money at least in the short term. If she asks you then just say you don’t have it available I wouldn’t mention it’s because of spending her cost of living money.

HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 16:49

It's depressing as fuck when you can never afford anything nice for yourself so I get it tbh.

Bananalanacake · 11/08/2022 16:49

I can't get over the buying milkshakes from Maccys for the dog, is it ok for them.

Horoscopegubbins · 11/08/2022 16:52

Well she's obviously using you... just say no to lending money. Bet she stops bothering with you.

Scrapologist · 11/08/2022 16:56

I'd resent her too much to stay friends with her, if I had to watch her spend every free £ she lays hands on, only to come asking for my financial support when she needs money for the basics. I'd think up a response about being unable to loan more money and have that ready for the next request. She'll never pay you back if she can't even bring herself to save for her own very predictable needs. Stop adding to the amount you'll probably never get back.

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