AIBU to think that no, you don’t “deserve” new clothes.

[TraceyTheHamster]

I know I’m being snobby, but can anyone see where I’m coming from?

I’ve got a friend who is always skint. I know it isn’t easy for her; as Universal credit is her only income. I’m regularly lending her money for everyday expenses; food, rent etc. she owes me several hundred pounds at this point.

We’d pre-arranged to meet in town for a coffee this morning. She’s asks if we can pop to town for a couple bits… turns out she’s had the £300 cost of living payment and has just spent pretty much all of it on new clothes, make-up etc.

I had visions of getting a text from her in a weeks time asking to borrow £20 for food… so I gently suggested that she save some of it.

She got a bit snotty with me and replied that she hasn’t had been clothes in ages and “deserves” them.

Aibu to think this isn’t what the cost of living payment is for!

I bought some additional ‘value’ supermarket essentials for the food bank collection I had seen at the entrance. The lady running the collection scowled at my donation and actually said ‘You know poor people deserve NICE things too’. I showed her my own shopping bag full of the same value essentials. Not wasting my money on that again.

Similarly friend volunteered for charity distributing donating food/clothes/anything asked for to local families in need. Eventually stopped when realised 90% of the homes she was making deliveries to were significantly nicer than hers. She had downsized when couldn’t afford her lifestyle anymore. They asked others to subsidise them.

Nope but they should maybe consider shopping for charity shops/second hand like most people I know who work.

Don't get involved in how she spends her money.

Don't give/ lend her anymore money.

The whole idea of deserve is a very strange one. Where do we get the idea from that anyone deserves anything?

If I do my job, then I deserve the pay that we agreed when I took it on, and if I buy a round in a pub most people would probably agree that I deserve to be bought one back, but beyond that, what does this “deserve” mean?

Who deserves what, and who has the obligation to work to provide it for them?

I think we can have a hope, and maybe an expectation that the state will use redistribution to protect and care for those who cannot manage to take care of themselves, but the idea that anyone “deserves” a load of nice new clothes, or a foreign holiday, iPhone or the like; that doesn’t work for me.

You deserve shelter/basic food/heat/electricity. Ideally you need to work for these. Sometimes that is not possible (as in actually not possible, not just don't quite fancy it/it's hard for me/people won't just pay me £25/hr even though I have zero work experience so not 'worth' my time) and that's ok. That's why we thankfully live somewhere that has a safety net. I am all for cost of living payments. Many people do NEED them.

But no, you don't deserve NEW clothes (many, many people who do not qualify for these payments rely on second hand clothes for themselves, second hand school uniform, etc), holidays (again many of us cannot afford these), a car (yes, also incredibly crap not to have in many situations, but even when living in places with shoddy transport I had many (employed) periods in my life where I had to take the sodding bus/cycle 10 miles (on my crappy freecycle bike), and so on. Why am I paying for you to have things I cannot afford? WTAF?

How many more people are going to misunderstand the 'cost of living payment'
It's for 'cost of living' which can mean anything, clothes, bills, rent, anything really! It's not for energy only! 🙄

And stop lending her money.

Yep. And this is why I don't buy items for food banks (although I do donate to charities). Saw a feature on TV once where a woman was saying that she felt no shame in accessing a food bank as she was struggling atm. Her house was significantly nicer than mine, oak beams and all. I've been unemployed and on low wages in the past and prioritised buying food and paying for energy. Didn't buy any new clothes for several years.

Save your outrage for the parents who spent the weekend putting it up their nose then begging people for £20 on the Monday saying they've nothing in for the kids 🙄 and stop lending her money, your not getting it back.

It's difficult when others don't spend their money in what seems a sensible way but their money is tight. People don't like being told how to spend their money though, she's an adult and can do as she pleases. If it bothers you I'd stop lending her money though!

I think people should be able to spend their money however they choose... as long as they live with the consequences of their decisions, stop bailing her out!!

I’d be fascinated to see genuine budgets of both people on average or low wages who are struggling, and those who are not. I think that the second group could really help out the first with some advice about how to do things differently.

I spent some time on MoneySavingExpert.com, and was appalled at what some people posted on there who were struggling.

Two new-ish cars on finance, a financed sofa, a PlayStation from BrightHouse, and so on. Others would live like monks in virtually nothing then crack and book a £4,000 holiday to make up for having gone without any decent food for six months.

Unfortunately the question of what this subset could do better seems to be taboo.