AIBU to think that no, you don’t “deserve” new clothes.

[TraceyTheHamster]

I know I’m being snobby, but can anyone see where I’m coming from?

I’ve got a friend who is always skint. I know it isn’t easy for her; as Universal credit is her only income. I’m regularly lending her money for everyday expenses; food, rent etc. she owes me several hundred pounds at this point.

We’d pre-arranged to meet in town for a coffee this morning. She’s asks if we can pop to town for a couple bits… turns out she’s had the £300 cost of living payment and has just spent pretty much all of it on new clothes, make-up etc.

I had visions of getting a text from her in a weeks time asking to borrow £20 for food… so I gently suggested that she save some of it.

She got a bit snotty with me and replied that she hasn’t had been clothes in ages and “deserves” them.

Aibu to think this isn’t what the cost of living payment is for!

YANBU but you this behaviour shows that she doesn't prioritise her living costs above everything else. so stop lending her money. People who can't manage their money will never manage it while other people bail them out all the time. If they blow the lot on clothes then can't afford to eat, that is nobody's problem but their own.

Nobody deserves or needs clothes other than basics so you have enough to wear and wash etc. People can want what they like but if they cant afford it then that is that.

She is the same sort of person who would put holidays, clothes, nights out etc on a credit card rather than realise that she just can't afford it.

How do you work that out when she owes Op money?

So because the OP has tried to be kind and supportive to her friend she, the OP, is at fault? Hopefully her purse will be shut tight once the friend decides she needs another hand-out from her.

Op, sometimes you can be too gentle. "You're bloody kidding me aren't you? You've gone out and spent that much money when you owe me £x00?" When do you plan to give me my money back?

I have a friend like this too, OP.

It’s a hard lesson, but some people just can’t comprehend financial responsibility.

It’s not taught in school and quite often they people have parents who view money in the same way, so there aren’t good role models and the cycle continues.

I don’t think you’ll see that money again, you know that. Don’t lend any more cash, if you want to buy something do that instead, but if you lend money and then get irritated over how it’s spent (rightly so) it’ll cause friction and you could lose the friendship.

She sounds like a lazy cow and shouldn’t be getting this extra handout, but OP, did you really need to stick the boot in by ensuring we know she’s on benefits?!

You no longer lend her money. Some people cannot see the long game and she probably thinks she can continue to borrow money from you so she doesnt need to be more responsible.

Don't be so controlling. If you give her 20 quid every now and then that's great but don't tot it up as monies owed back to you - and certainly you can't dictate how she spends monies received EVEN IF SHE OWES YOU IN YOUR VIEW. Does she know you expect it back, that it is conditional on allowing you to tell her what she should be spending on? If she is reliant on benefits there is very little room for maneuver on any of the things you mention ie no spending on clothes, a bit of make up and a hair cut which most women take for granted. I support a friend of mine who unfortunately will never get off benefits now for a variety of reasons (much to her utter disappointment) and I willingly give her money when I can. When she had money she was one of the most generous people I knew. She helped me in tight spots and I have never forgotten and I don't care if I pay it back 50 times over she will NEVER owe me a penny.

What is 20 quid to someone with money - hardly even a round of drinks of cheap meal for 1. Its one T shirt with a fancy name (if that) a pair of flip flops. But to others its alot more. She clearly planned her splurge with the extra, at least she will have clothes to put on against the cold this winter

The only reason you’re ‘miffed’ is because it highlights just how much of a mug you are for continually giving her money.

OP - there is a mind-boggling obvious solution to this.

In effect that’s the OP’s money that she decided to spend. You can’t really owe someone hundreds of pounds and think it reasonable to go on a spending spree rather than repay them.

She doesn't need to save her money. You'll bail her out.

I agree with you op

There are no rules for how the cost of living is spent. If she needs new clothes ahe needs new clothes!!! Monday your own, and if you take issue just don't loan. Simple!

Well you’ve just bought her those new clothes so yes she’s being unreasonable.

It’s a tricky one because this sort of thing encourages the people who think that poor people can’t be poor because they own a phone and a television. However, I buy most of my clothes from charity shops and they’re very good quality.

as usual, the problem is not the problem.....if she didn't owe you money would you be as miffed?

It’s exactly this sort of attitude that leads some people to a life on benefits, this idea that there’s no point foregoing pleasure now, as things won’t be great later anyway.

It’s why people don’t bother at school, why they don’t wait until their career is doing well before having children, and why they never put money away for a rainy day even when they could, and instead blow it all in Primark.

Had she not repeatedly had to ask the OP for money then maybe OP should have just quietly sat there and thought what an idiot her friend was, but she had, and so the comment was completely warranted.

I would drop her.

Cadburyegg, I think that what you've spent your payment on is exactly the kind of expense it was issued for.

Yanbu, if she owed you money and spent money on things which were may be not needed, she isn't a friend. Please don't lend her anymore.

When she asks to borrow money again, tell her you've spent it on a 'well deserved break' and she needs to pay you back what she owes because you 'deserve' to buy yourself some new clothes.

She can do exactly what she wants but you need to stop giving her money.

Stop giving her money. Her bad financial management shouldn't be anything to do with you.

I understand what you're feeling. Those of us who have been brought up to be frugal just don't get the whole commercial "you deserve it" message. I have the opposite problem as I struggle to spend on anything which isn't a necessity (I do spend on doing stuff for the kids - but it's cheap days out and picnics, not trips to Alton Towers). I spent £70 last week on new clothes (mixture of charity shops and and cheap new shops) and it felt like a real extravagance, which I feel a bit guilty about, even though I'm a higher rate tax payer and can afford it.

But definitely refuse to give her money ever again. Her financial affairs are nothing to do with you, but that works both ways - don't get involved by giving her any money or financially supporting her in any way, and then you won't feel annoyed when she wastes her money - and you're not enabling her to spend on things she can't afford by subsidising her income. (Because you're definitely never getting back anything you lend her.)

I’m really uncomfortable with ‘deserve’. If your friend ‘deserves’ new clothes, does that mean there are people on UC who do not? What has she done to earn them? Or not done. It’s a very unhelpful term. I had a therapist try and get to at what I ‘deserved’ and I couldn’t think of it in positive terms.

She may either need clothes she can’t afford, or want new clothes to fill an emotional need and be trying to justify them. She may indeed be making an unwise decision. Both of which are very sad, in my opinion.