AIBU to think that no, you don’t “deserve” new clothes.

[TraceyTheHamster]

I know I’m being snobby, but can anyone see where I’m coming from?

I’ve got a friend who is always skint. I know it isn’t easy for her; as Universal credit is her only income. I’m regularly lending her money for everyday expenses; food, rent etc. she owes me several hundred pounds at this point.

We’d pre-arranged to meet in town for a coffee this morning. She’s asks if we can pop to town for a couple bits… turns out she’s had the £300 cost of living payment and has just spent pretty much all of it on new clothes, make-up etc.

I had visions of getting a text from her in a weeks time asking to borrow £20 for food… so I gently suggested that she save some of it.

She got a bit snotty with me and replied that she hasn’t had been clothes in ages and “deserves” them.

Aibu to think this isn’t what the cost of living payment is for!

YABU for continually lending money to a person with no means or desire to pay it back.

And yet you jumped in with the usual "oh but reasons" and sounding like a L'Oréal and. I spent most of the 90s in second hand clothes as did the kids. No problems with confidence here, thanks.

I brought a new fridge freezer with mine (old one I got second hand years ago and was useless.. doors fell off every time opened them and it was constantly freezing up).. I get so guilty for spending the money on it!!

Ad. Drat autocorrect

What a bizarre reaction. You have a problem with someone else choosing not to spend money? I assume you are one of the 'i deserve it' crowd of good little capitalists who keep the Tories in power.

The fact she hasn't paid you back the money you owe her, despite coming into some herself speaks volumes.

Sad to say, she is not a friend, but a freeloader.

There's been a few posters on here mention in passing they've put theirs and/or the council tax rebate towards the family holiday abroad or more expensive days out they would normally manage which I guess also isn't what it's for.

It's not your place to comment on how she spends her money, there'll be lots of families using that money for things other than the cost of living but I do understand the frustration when you see someone overspending and know you'll be asked to bail them out, I've been in that situation with BIL and he wasn't in any kind of benefits, he just felt his children deserved expensive treats and expensive brand name clothes and that they needed to be at severe hobbies a week and the. Would be asking dh for help for food and bills at the end of the month.

The secret is to say no to borrowing money and possibly distance yourself although she might do that if you stop giving her money.

YANBU unfortunately if she is borrowing money from you then she risks you giving your opinion. You become like a parent in the relationship.

She should pay you back before she spends on things like clothes. Otherwise it's supposed to be for making sure rent is covered, food can be bought etc.. I know people will say it's nobody's business, but I doubt the tax payer are supposed to pay for people to have a treat.

She should have paid you back, she didnt. She never will. Dont give her any money.
I know this has been on a few threads but I think it was the wrong time to give out this money. It should have started once the cold kicks in. Before anyone says its not the energy payment. I know that. However, this is just the tip of the iceburg and I dont think it has really started having an impact on the majority of peoples pursestrings yet

You can’t control what she spends her money on, but you can control what you do with your own money.

Only lend cash if you are prepared to write it off and not resent the person you have given it to.

She might have a spending problem, I’m having CBT for mine. It’s like a compulsion that I can’t control :( Stop bailing her out though, otherwise she will never need to address it.

You do realise that when her heating bills come in she will have nothing? Why hasnt she got a job? we have more job vacancies than people in the country right now...if she doesnt get a job she is going to starve and freeze come winter...along with many people who have full time jobs or even have two or three jobs....the country is failing...and the poorest will be the first to be hit with lack of food, heat and very little health care.

She got a bit snotty with me and replied that she hasn’t had been clothes in ages and “deserves” them.

It's the natural extension of decades of advertising that has encouraged us to all judge our worth by what we own.

She hasnt named her...we dont know the posters real name....what exactly do you think Mumsnet exists for? advice on where to go on holiday? its exactly these kind of situations where you dont want to talk to friends who might know her....though some of the comments I do wonder if they are any help.

Come winter....with bills being heralded at hundreds of pounds a month...there will be many families who are hungry and cold...never mind holidays or clothes....new or second hand.

You’d think there’d be some sort of fable about this, with a gadabout animal playing all summer long, and mocking another animal who was diligently saving up some sort of food; nuts, perhaps, ahead of the winter.

At the end the cricket, er, I mean gadabout, could be left shivering and hungry in the cold.

To be fair, she rather had a point.

There’s frugal, and then there’s miserable penny-pinching. You can loosen the purse-strings every now and then, if you’re a higher tax rate payer.

Careful the lesson you’re teaching your kids - when parents are too far in one direction (on anything, whether that be money, cleanliness, food consumption, alcohol, etc, etc), the children often end up going in completely the opposite direction as adults.

Also, this is a discussion forum - if you don’t want people to comment on your behaviours, then it’s best not to share them.

Anyway, back to the OP.

In case the obvious solution hasn’t occurred to you yet - stop lending her money. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think many people will be treating themselves with this payment, and I suspect that’s what the government wanted- boosts the economy after all.
Yanbu to suggest she saves some, but you can’t control what she spends it on. What you do have control of is how much you help her out. Make a point of saying to her next time she asks for help, that many people ( previously comfortable financially) are now having to cut back, and don’t lend her more. Time for her to start taking responsibility for herself I think.

Oh, you sweet summer child.
I've personally known several people just like this, but do crack in pretending they're all made up.

Stop giving her money. Then stop worrying about her finances.

She isn't your friend. Real friends don't borrow money from you, neglect to pay it back and then blow £300 on new clothes for themselves.

You won't get your money back.

YANBU. I know someone like this, as she was my friend I always helped her out but over time she developed a sense of entitlement that did not sit well with me. It stopped being about 'need' and became much more about 'deserve'. I stopped lending her money, giving advice and providing a sypathetic ear about her latest financial crisis. It was tough, especially as she has children and was a childhood friend. She used her cost of living payment to buy an adult sized pool and a tattoo.

I wish that the payments had been made in vouchers for food, clothes or fuel only. The real losers will be vunerable children.

Yes and that’s fine, so long as your not expecting or guilting your family and friends into bailing you out. £650 pays for quite a few meals!

But I don't object to anyone commenting on my behaviours? I just commented back that I thought it was a bizarre reaction. It felt like the poster found my spending habits (or lack thereof) personally offensive, which is odd. Also, I probably didn't make it clear but it's only when it comes to myself that I'm incredibly frugal, due to my own upbringing and extreme poverty when I was younger. There was no safety net then and I'm still rather in than mindset. Don't worry about my kids. They're good middle class kids who don't even think about whether mum and dad can pay the bills, or whether they'll have new shoes, or worry terribly because they've ruined a jumper climbing a tree, or whether they'll be able to go on the school trip that all their friends are going on.