AIBU to think that no, you don’t “deserve” new clothes.

[TraceyTheHamster]

I know I’m being snobby, but can anyone see where I’m coming from?

I’ve got a friend who is always skint. I know it isn’t easy for her; as Universal credit is her only income. I’m regularly lending her money for everyday expenses; food, rent etc. she owes me several hundred pounds at this point.

We’d pre-arranged to meet in town for a coffee this morning. She’s asks if we can pop to town for a couple bits… turns out she’s had the £300 cost of living payment and has just spent pretty much all of it on new clothes, make-up etc.

I had visions of getting a text from her in a weeks time asking to borrow £20 for food… so I gently suggested that she save some of it.

She got a bit snotty with me and replied that she hasn’t had been clothes in ages and “deserves” them.

Aibu to think this isn’t what the cost of living payment is for!

I’m not sure you’re her friend. Who goes on a public forum to snipe at and judge their friends?

This ^

Stop lending her money; you're unlikely to see the hundreds you've already lent her.

When she complains, tell her she has no entitlement to your money and she needs to start budgeting and living within your means, just like you do

She gets what she deserves, if she wants more then she needs to find other revenue sources to boost her income.
She obviously has no idea about financial control and planning.
If I was you I'd stop bailing her out and make her understand the financial frivolity has consequences when the bills roll in, she's currently relying on you to support her after poor decisions.

Exactly.
People like OPs friend have low impulse control, no conception of planning for the future and think the world owes them a living.
There are stereotypes for a reason.
I had a friend like this and have decided to let the relationship slide as I fundamentally disagreed with how she chose to live her life. She thought she was too good to work. Her choice (and my taxes 😅) but I didn’t want to witness it up close anymore.

OP’s friend appears to be a character directly out of Daily Mail.

my word - such an uncanny similarity to the perfect straw(wo)man.

it’s almost as though this isn’t real.

Just don't give her money. I had a friend who was simular although she didnt ask for money just kept mentioning how she had no money. A few years ago I helped her out a few times. Since then i've realised she's just rubbish with money. So dont say anything if she mentions it.

We are getting this payment in September but it'll be spent on a variety of things. Some will be saved towards the winter bills too. She's probably had her and wastes it already judging by all the days out the kids have had recently.

This.

We've been told that it's ok "because you're worth it" for years.

Every bit of advice when you're feeling low includes "treat yourself"

We have been brainwashed into thinking that consumerism = path to joy and most of us have swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Who hasn't been shopping to 'cheer themselves up'? Who hasn't been told by a friend to 'get it because you deserve it'.

I don't blame her for believing it's her 'right'. But you are right that she can't afford it if she has debts (to you) and the only thing you can do is stop lending her money and perhaps suggest an achievable payment plan of £10 a week or something to stop yourself feeling bitter (which i do understand).

I have a colleague/friend like this, although she's on a good salary but has no savings.
A few years ago she started asking me to loan her money, 200 or 300 here and there, which I did. Always paid back on time. One summer she had two foreign holidays (places like Ibiza, Greece) and showed me a photo of a silk dress she'd bought for about 150 euro although she admitted she had nowhere to wear it!
The next time she asked for a loan, I gently told her I wouldn't be doing her any favours by subbing her, as it wouldn't help her manage her money.
She took it well, never asked again, and we're still friends.

While it's none of the OP's business what the friend spent the money on, I certainly wouldn't be giving/lending any more money. And in fact, next time she asks for some, I'd say how the timing is such a coincidence, as you were just going to ask when she could pay you back some of the money she owes you, as you're a bit short this month. And do that every time she asks for money. She'll soon stop.

Stop lending her money.

I don't understand why you wouldn't ask for the money back you have loaned her

You realise you will never see that money again as you have literally been with her when she HAD MONEY and she didn't give it back to you...

That was always the problem with throwing cash at people who aren't good with money. Same with the brilliant idea of paying housing benefit to the claimants rather than the landlords.

I think you’re definitely not going to see the money back that you lent her. Never lend to friends. Unless you don’t mind actually giving it. It’s just usually too difficult to get back. She obviously has different virws on money than you do. That can be frustrating but if you want your friendship to continue you’ll have to turn a blind eye and do things together that don’t involve spending much.

Stop enabling her!

She owes you money, she has the money to repay you but she's rather spend it on clothes.

She's not your friend. Stop lending her money and ask for a monthly paymemt to pay you back.

she owes me several hundred pounds at this point

So why were you daft enough to let it get to this point. No wonder she didn't think to give you what she owed, why should she if you're going to keep lending her money knowing she won't pay it back?

No she shouldn't have spent it all at Primark, but you are also not blameless as you should have never leant her money a second time if she didn't pay it back the 1st time.

Someone frustrated at how utterly feckless, stupid and selfish they have turned out to be.

Life is never about what you "deserve" and it hints at a sense of thwarted entitlement when a person uses it.

You are enabling her, and need to stop lending her money. I had a friend that kept treating me like an overdraft, so I put my foot down and said no. She somehow then managed to work her budgeting out and now very rarely asks (I still say no).

YABU about the cost of living payment. People can spend it on what they want.

I believe this. I lost a friend because I helped her out financially and she did similar. I called her out on it in the end, didn't get my money back (I could afford to lose it but not the point) and lost a "friend". I realised at the time that it was no great loss.

YANBU in suggesting she save some (if there's any left)

but equally YABU for even contemplating bailing her out again. Don't give her any more money. It's only a loan if she repays it, and from what you've written she hasnt.

I hope Liz Truss or one of her campaign team read this thread. This is one reason why keeping costs down is preferable to tax cuts.

Mumsnet halo for you. Get down off the cross you martyr, somebody could use the wood.

I know a few people like this. People taking food parcels, but talking about the designer trainers they’re buying when they get paid. I think it’s partly that without the traditional indicators of success (nice house, nice car, good job, whatever) these lower level status symbols gain new importance. They’re not affordable in the way most of us consider it, but they’re still somewhat achievable. Whereas the middle class person having a tight month just buys their shoes from Tesco! Then I think with just the grinding monotony of poverty, when people do get a little bit of money, it’s easy to think they might as well just spend it, that they deserve a treat, and what difference would saving make. I guess it’s kind of fatalistic, they feel nothing will ultimately change their situation, so why even try.
All that said, I understand OP’s frustration. I just make sure I only lend money I can afford to lose, and anything I get back is a bonus.