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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

273 replies

notjustanana · 11/08/2022 09:59

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 11/08/2022 15:45

How much does your husband do for his daughter and stepdaughter?

LookItsMeAgain · 11/08/2022 15:46

Actually @RachelGreeneGreep makes a good point - did your DD not ask why you didn't come in and hand over the package instead of leaving it at the gate?

DeclineandFall · 11/08/2022 15:49

Just tell her what you heard. Tell her you're upset that they feel they are doing you a favour helping them out. It is a shit attitude to have. My SIL is like this - asks help from everyone and makes out that she is doing them a favour. I bet she'll be horrified and it will all be sorted but you need to do less for them. They are taking the piss I think.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 15:49

Was your SiL's comment about you, though?

Actually that's a good point, he could have actually been talking about his own mother there (if that's exactly what was said)

Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it

Classicblunder · 11/08/2022 16:02

If I were you, I would continue doing the two days of childcare but just stop skivvying for her in other ways - I get that you enjoy time with your grandchildren but presumably you don't feel the same way about running her errands. Have some pride and use your free time for yourself. I work almost full time, have two young kids and no one runs my errands!

BadNomad · 11/08/2022 16:04

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 15:49

Was your SiL's comment about you, though?

Actually that's a good point, he could have actually been talking about his own mother there (if that's exactly what was said)

Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it

Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us

To me, that sounds like she's telling her husband to not be so mean about her mother.

WinterDeWinter · 11/08/2022 16:05

But OP, if you just pull back she won't understand why and that could cause more tension.

I really think you need to say you overheard her.

Boomeranga · 11/08/2022 16:06

I’m reading their conversation again, and I think it’s possible your sil might not have meant it like that as in ’Tell me about it..’, it’s sort of a standard joke isn’t it. Something you could just say. I know my dh likes my mum, they get on really well (25 yrs so far) and he could even had said that to her face and she would have told him to bugger off.. But, I guess you overheard it and it’s not very nice.

I would still mention it, lightly. That you overheard it and that they have to make sure that they let you know if you overstep (which I don’t think you do, you sound lovely).

Tanith · 11/08/2022 16:11

I think you should tell your DD that you overheard the conversation.
It will explain clearly why you are stepping back, instead of leaving her confused and wondering what she's done.
It will also give her the chance to make amends for the hurt caused to you.

Dancingwithhyenas · 11/08/2022 16:11

thatone · 11/08/2022 10:14

It was not nice for you to hear that and your dd was very unfair but just bear in mind that sometimes when people are with friends they are trying to project an image of themselves. This may not be what she really thinks. Having said that, it does sound as though she expects too much from you. Does she show her appreciation>

I think it was probably her slightly showing off to a friend rather than her true opinion. I would be hurt too, but I don’t think you should take her comment too seriously. Either let it go or tell her you overheard and we’re upset. She’ll probably be mortified.

PolarBearLookoutGuard · 11/08/2022 16:12

I can understand why you feel hurt. Whilst difficult, I think you should bring this up but it can be done in a diplomatic way. I can understand you would not want to fall out over this. Otherwise I feel it could fester and lead to resentment.

I would say that when you were dropping the toys off the other day you couldn't help but overhear the conversation - where she mentioned that you are pleased I live close, so I feel involved and it keeps me busy.

All the stuff I do for you, that you ask me to do - is because I want to help with the load of a busy young family and because I love you all. When I heard you say you ask me to help out - just to keep me involved/busy, honestly it really hurt my feelings. I have only brought this up because I am not sure if I misheard or misunderstood, it may be an age thing - where you can't understand that older people have full and interesting lives of their own. Can you explain what you meant by it? I honestly thought I was providing well needed support but if the requests for help are to in some way to 'keep me busy' then there is no need to.

Classicblunder · 11/08/2022 16:18

Dancingwithhyenas · 11/08/2022 16:11

I think it was probably her slightly showing off to a friend rather than her true opinion. I would be hurt too, but I don’t think you should take her comment too seriously. Either let it go or tell her you overheard and we’re upset. She’ll probably be mortified.

Show quote history

I agree with this but I also think texting your mum like she's your nanny/housekeeper is a bit off and the OP should treat this as an opportunity to think about what she does for her daughter.

I am fairly sure I know the answer to this but OP, does your daughter ever do anything to help you out? If you texted her at the weekend to ask her to pick up your clothes from the dry cleaner or look after your pet or whatever, would she do it?

2bazookas · 11/08/2022 16:22

I'd be fuming. CFs! Time to hoist her by her own petard.

I'd tell DD that while running yet another errand for her, you overheard, and explain that it's a relief to get this "who helps who" misunderstanding cleared up because frankly, you've been aware you're doing far too much for them and "At my age, I need more time and space for myself."

You're SO glad to know they, especially SIL, will actually welcome you stepping back and leaving them with more privacy and autonomy to run their own lives.
No hard feelings at all, darling.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 16:28

BadNomad · 11/08/2022 16:04

Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us

To me, that sounds like she's telling her husband to not be so mean about her mother.

Show quote history

I feel like the OP may have changed the wording around and that makes it difficult to tell actually because first the SIL didn't even know she had a key but then in the next sentence he's agreeing with the friend that his MIL comes round too much because she has a key?

SalviaOfficinalis · 11/08/2022 16:30

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 16:28

I feel like the OP may have changed the wording around and that makes it difficult to tell actually because first the SIL didn't even know she had a key but then in the next sentence he's agreeing with the friend that his MIL comes round too much because she has a key?

Show quote history

I don’t think this reflects that SIL didn’t know she had a key - I think it’s quite normal to open the door if you see someone approaching your house.
Surely you’d only use a key to someone else’s house if they were out?

Zebracat · 11/08/2022 16:32

I do think that you need to speak to them about what you heard, and explain that you don’t want to encroach upon them, so will be handing back the key and the favours for them that having the key enabled. I would assure them you are happy to continue caring for grandchildren, on set days, and on special occasions, but that the overheard conversation helped you to see that you need to do more things for you, and less for others.
I am a grandmother too, quite a nice one, I think, but I am trying to pull back a bit, and nurture my own identity , after a couple of quite breathtakingly insensitive exchanges showed me clearly the perils of being taken for granted. I also met a stunningly attractive and dynamic woman on a train, same age as me, who said she makes sure she’s the fun Granny. I want to be more like her. We aren’t staff after all.

diddl · 11/08/2022 16:36

If you were expecting your mum to bring something round-wouldn't you be waiting with the door open to help?

Idk what I would do tbh.

Probably just cut back.

If you say something you'll probably have misunderstood or that wasn't what she meant...

Who really would say "she loves doing stuff for us"?

Washing in/out/collecting stuff-who really thinks that people "love" doing this for someone else ffs?

billy1966 · 11/08/2022 16:36

You sound so lovely and kind OP.

However, whilst nothing particularly unkind was said, it reeks of disrespect and a deeply patronising attitude towards you.
I would be hurt but also cringing with embarrassment that my daughter could be so entitled and self servingly deluded.

Your daughter and SIL are united it treating you like a skivvy and considering all you do, it was so entitled and belittling of all you do, its quite extraordinary.

Late 50's here, and in my experience, adult children that would allow their mother to do so much, whilst working, and ask so much of them, have very little deep appreciation for what is actually being done for them.

Your husband is correct and it would be interesting to know why you were so dismissive of him, when you do so much.

I think you should have a good hard look at yourself and boundaries, because they are very poor.

I agree with the suggestion of telling your daughter/SIL that you did hear the conversation and infact it was timely, as you really need to pull back from doing so much on top of your own job.

Think about what is very reasonable and do that.
But running around like a skivvy for a daughter like yours is a real mistake.

She is profoundly disrespectful of your time, the life you have, and all you have done.
It would be wise to find your self respect and pull back.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 16:41

SalviaOfficinalis · 11/08/2022 16:30

I don’t think this reflects that SIL didn’t know she had a key - I think it’s quite normal to open the door if you see someone approaching your house.
Surely you’d only use a key to someone else’s house if they were out?

Show quote history

Well yeah but he didn't see her approaching the house. Anyway that's just how I read it, it didn't seem that clear to me but I'm not going to have an argument about it either

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 16:47

Does your DD's SIL have a good relationship with her own mother? It could be your DD is downplaying everything you do so it doesn't appear as though she's spoilt to other people who are unsupported. You're doing so much for her, grandchildren yes but the chores, nooooooo x

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 16:49

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 16:47

Does your DD's SIL have a good relationship with her own mother? It could be your DD is downplaying everything you do so it doesn't appear as though she's spoilt to other people who are unsupported. You're doing so much for her, grandchildren yes but the chores, nooooooo x

SiL is Son in law so DDs husband

Quia · 11/08/2022 16:57

Start refusing the requests to deal with the washing, collect parcels, do extra babysitting etc and tell her that thanks, you don't need to be "kept busy" today, you're busy enough already.

MotherofTerriers · 11/08/2022 16:58

I would tell her what you heard and that you are hurt. That you had no idea she was trying to keep you busy and that there is no need to do this. Then step back and do absolutely nothing for her. No childcare, no parcels, no washing.

user1471538283 · 11/08/2022 17:06

That would end it for me. If you do babysit it's for a specific purpose like a trip to the zoo. Not running yourself ragged whilst she thinks she can patronize you.

NumberTheory · 11/08/2022 17:16

notjustanana · 11/08/2022 14:52

Lots to think about. I'm not sure about telling DD that I overheard but I am resolved to not be so available in future for minor things.

To be fair she doesn't always ask directly but will say 'oh, I have a meeting and need to collect dry cleaning' so I will then offer. Again, if I'm at work I may not be able to help out (although I have been known to run her errands in my lunch hour).

I suppose I always thought they were both so appreciative of me but after hearing those comments I feel deflated and sad.

I love my DGC so much and enjoy looking after them so don't want to rock the boat by spoiling our relationship but I agree I need to say No to some things, just because I can.

I see that you are trying to help her and I’m not trying to be unkind, but from this post I can see why your DD said what she said and thinks of her as helping you out to some extent.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t also genuinely appreciate much of your help. But it’s bizarre to offer to do chores your DD is just as capable of as you, hasn’t asked you to do and that you need to rush about in your lunch hour for. This isn’t simply you being a push over. This is you involving yourself in your DD’s life to a greater extent than she asks for.

I see why overhearing her was hurtful. I also realise you’ve paraphrased what she said and there may be some wording or nuance that didn’t come across. But from what you’ve just posted about what you do, I think you may have put yourself in a position that may feel a bit much to your DD but that she is trying to gently accommodate probably because she appreciates a lot of the things you do and she loves you too.

If you can see that that’s a possibility, a heart to heart with her about what you overheard and what you both genuinely feel about your current relationship might be useful. But you could also just pull back a bit and maybe find something else to do with much of your time and focus (as you sound like someone who does like to keep busy - if the idea of staying in bed late and lazing at a cafe with a book appeals more, then do that).