To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

[notjustanana]

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

I do think that if it’s any consolation your daughter didn’t necessarily mean what she said, as often how your respond to or handle a friend takes account of what you know about your friend’s attitudes or circumstances, rather than reflecting your true feelings.

That said, I would step back a bit anyway, you deserve some time to yourself. Obviously you are a very able and helpful grandparent and I suspect your daughter hasn’t really realised how easy she has it there. I don’t think they see you as interfering though, I bet they do know they rely on your help.

If you enjoy being with your grandchildren I would stick with that one or two days, but don’t do other jobs or be available on the other day. Maybe consider also finding the odd time when you won’t be free to do your usual days, so your daughter realises how it is to have to arrange other childcare.

Only do what you want to do, you can always change things again in the future but for now your daughter and sil will realise how lucky they are.

If you wanted to bring the comment up with your daughter I would be tempted to keep it light but say actually it’s good that’s how they see things because you are in fact a little too busy and so will not be able to do as much.

I don’t think your DD appreciates how much you do for her and that actually you may have more interesting things to do. Part of maturing is seeing your own parents as human beings in their own right with their own interests and internal life of their own. Not just in their roles as mother or father. You DD still sees you as mum who does my laundry or smoothes out life for me.

Tbf I would never ever provide this level of help to my DD or her husband. I can’t be arsed and I assume by the time she gets to that point her life I’ll be skivvied out, I adore DD but fuck that.

Don’t blame you at all for being upset, although I suspect they know damn well that it’s you helping them, they just don’t want to acknowledge that too friends. They do sound like teens trying to be cool in front of friends though, which is pathetic.

Even before I got to that bit I was thinking bloody hell this woman is doing far too much, and being treated like a skivvy. I would have a dramatic change of pace (you could invent some extra shifts at work or something) and book a holiday and some days away.

Become a woman of mystery, so they never quite know where you are or when you’ll be around. That’ll give them something to talk about.

Also your sil can carry his own damn weight if he thinks you are around too much. Little shit. Tbh I’d tell them straight that I heard that and drop all their errands.

I think you need to tell your dd that you heard what she said and found it quite hurtful. I think it's important to be honest with her, rather than just fuming about it, or going off in a huff, or cutting off help without an explanation. This is your dd, not a casual friend, neighbour or colleague; and she needs to be pulled up, but not cut off, unless there's a lot more to it.. She may turn out to be very apologetic, and may quite likely have said these things to shut up her overbearing 'friend', rather than because she really thinks them, or is unappreciative of you. (She would still deserve to feel embarrassed over the insincerity and pandering to a quite nasty attitude, but it wouldn't be the same as if she'd said it spontaneously.) In any case, you should make it clear that you are happy to continue to help with the grandchildren (assuming that you are), and otherwise to help out in difficulties, as you hope that she'd do for you; but that you don't need 'busywork' and will not do 'busywork'.

I find this is a tricky one because Im trapped in a similar senario but as the DD.

I do appreciate the help IL give us (occasionally I will ask if they can have the kids so we can go out, it works out maybe once every 2-3 months and they help out when I have hospital appointments or are ill which is obviously appreciated) but my DH runs to them for EVERYTHING, every single day.

I constantly feel like im fighting just to have time with my own kids because DH will always just take them straight there every weekend (now a routine, got to go to grannies for sunday dinner which becomes ALL day) and often ask his parents to collect them from school when its his turn (and the kids now love it and constantly ask to go too as they have a garden and dogs that they love which we don't have etc... so I have twisty non complient children if I say 'no grandmas house today').

My DH flips between saying his parents 'are retired and at a loss without the kids' like he is doing them a favor and that they are 'old and tired' as if he tries to guilt me the odd time I do ask for help (from HIM not them normally but he just farms it out to them) but I'm pretty certain M/FIL think 'Im' the one that 'needs' their help even though I rarely ask for anything and would actually love it if they stepped back more and let me have more family time without them.

I do loads for my grandchildren. I worked full time until my early sixties then retired to look after first grandchild. Three more quickly followed. Retirement is childcare and for my husband, diy for our family.
However, I love my grandkids to bits. I see them all throughout the week. I consider it a privilege to help. I honestly feel so lucky to see them so often.
I wouldn't say anything OP. You might regret it.

PS Both the 'friend' and the sil sound far worse than your dd.

This is so lovely and again I could only dream of having such kind family members who are so involved. Mine have never spent time with my children without me present even for an hour, and I am a lone parent.

However, in my opinion the OP is being taken for granted, hugely. If a grandparent was doing this for my children, I would be making sure all the time that they knew how grateful we were and also looking for ways to help them out in return or show appreciation. That's just in terms of the childcare OP provides let alone all of these errands and favours! To then hear these comments is an epic kick in the teeth and I feel that the OP went away so as not to discuss it whilst upset, but a calm conversation dealing with it directly is appropriate now the dust has settled. The DD and SiL need a reality check and to realise that the OP has feelings and is doing a HUGE amount for them which is really kind.

Honestly? I think what your daughter said is a bit of a red herring.

At present you have a busy part time job and

Do you know your DD's user name? I'm just wondering if she has read this and commented how unreasonable the DD in the post is without twigging that it's actually her if you see what I mean?

For what it's worth, I agree that you do far too much for them and it's time you put yourself first rather than running around after DD and SDD. They're adults, they made their choices, they should step up and do what they need to without relying on you.

Bloody hell!! YANBU. My mum helps me out loads with childcare - not as much as you help your DD but also I only have 2 kids. I wouldn't dream of talking about my mum like that. When I talk about her I say something along the lines of how lucky I am to have her around to help. I wouldn't dream of asking her to come round to peg out my washing or collect parcels.

Definitely scale back how much you do for them.

Tell her to get a Ring doorbell for her parcels and to deal with her own washing. You are helping out massively with childcare already, you don’t news to be her free PA and cleaner

@MereDintofPandiculation
I agree with this PPs answer- I dont know how to quote!

I think she was trying to " fit in" with her friend in a lightheaded jokey way. Her real feelings maybe completely different. I think she'd be mortified if you told her you'd overheard and how hurt you are, I think you need to talk to her about it.
You are clearly doing them a favour not the other way round!

Sounds as if she was performing for her friends - and fitting in with their views.
Your help is important stuff - and they will struggle a bit without it.

However - what she said does give you opportunity to think. (Include what your DH said about you being a pushover !)

Of the things that you do to help them, which give you joy?
Cut back and let them do the rest.

Don’t blame you at all for being upset, although I suspect they know damn well that it’s you helping them, they just don’t want to acknowledge that too friends. They do sound like teens trying to be cool in front of friends though, which is pathetic

I agree with this also

I’d step back. Take up a hobby that will stop the endless asks.
Maybe a holiday would break cycle And then say it’s been lovely having some time to swim/walk/garden I’m carrying on.

Ok so she's given you a key when most daughters it seems wouldn't, she told her friends not to be mean when it would have been much easier to go with the crowd and say ' I know, I don't know what i was thinking, hahaha'. And she's said she wants you to be involved with the kids and feel like a close family (from what it seems) and she worries about you being lonely and bored.

It seems like she thinks you love helping out and that is what you've taken offence at, or maybe that she thinks you haven't got better things to be doing. Have you got better things to be doing? Are you saying you don't like helping out? That you'd rather do it less? If so then tell her it's too much for you or you're busy with other things.

I couldn't be upset about this though, she's just seeing it differently to you IMO and thinks you love helping out and that it's a really positive thing for you. If she's wrong then by all means set her straight though. Personally I think she was pretty sweet as 30 year old dd's go.

Your SIL has got off lightly in this thread, OP.

On your non-childcare day off, get out and about, do stuff for you catch up on Box Set or whatever, and develop a phrase book 'No sorry, busy today...hope it doesn't rain too much!' 'No, out running errands' 'Oh, am out for the day with a friend / walking / birdwatching / cinema etc etc'.

Or...just turn your phone off.

I wouldn't be doing anything for the ungrateful madam. Tell her if she wants a maid she should employ one.

I think she was just 'go along to get along'. You know how people say they're on a diet so everyone else says 'oh yes me too Neff to shift a few pounds' etc even though that's not true at all - just saying it to fit in with the prevailing idea.
But if you don't think she appreciates you, do one or both: tell her you overheard her and does she really think you have nothing else to do other than manage her family? And also stop doing all the ad hoc child minding and running errands. Just do the day you've agreed to and only do other stuff when you genuinely want to. If she says anything, just say that you've got your own life to lead.

I doubt you'll need to discuss this with your DD as the situation is pretty specific-I imagine she'll read all these replies and have time to reflect without to speaking to her directly at all.

I wonder if you are being a bit oversensitive. Maybe your daughter was just playing things down a bit in front of her friend who doesn't have such a a helpful or nice mum.

The SIL comment was just a bit of a dim witted mans comment wasn't it?

Let her know that you over heard and that you really don't need to be kept busy. Push back on the running around and let them do their own errands etc.

I think that's pretty patronising of her. In your position I would take a step back, establish some boundaries and concentrate on your own social life for a while.

My DM helps us out loads, we're very lucky that she lives nearby and likes to help us out particularly while her DGC are young. I've tried hard not to take advantage, and always try to reciprocate or treat her and Ddad whenever possible. Nothing big, just showing them some appreciation.

I have never, ever seen it as doing her a favour or 'keeping her busy' .

Oh yes, let's excuse the man as he couldn't possibly be expected to be grateful, sensitive or behave like an adult, could he? The penis precludes it. 🙄😒