To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

[notjustanana]

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

I think it's going to be hard to move on unless you let her know that you overheard and that you were very hurt. Even if she was just going along with her friend, it will be a good opportunity for her to really think about how much you do for her. If she was being honest, she will have a chance to reconsider whether she's being fair - and for you to rethink your boundaries.

Can we stop excusing shitty behaviour from people just because they are male, please?

So so sorry OP, how hurtful to overhear something like that after everything you do. I wouldn't get all huffy and overdramatic and stop seeing them, as this will also hurt you and your GC (who must love seeing you, and you them), but I would certainly let her/them know that you heard their conversation and how hurt you were by it. Be firm and state that you are not their skivvy. That will make them squirm, and f they are are decent a big apology and a big lunch of flowers would be heading your way.

It sounds to me like she was trying to make herself look good in front of a friend. Instead of the friend thinking that maybe she was taking you for granted, it makes your DD look like she's helping you instead.

I'm sure we've all told little white lies to make ourselves look better, but I can see how it would hurt as it's your own daughter.
I would be a little less available, and would also tell her what you heard, and how it upset you.

Haven't RTFT, but I'd be honest and tell her that you overheard her conversation with her friend and so you've decided to step back and let her get on with things. You can still be available for X (whatever you decide if you'd like to do a bit of babysitting, for example).

I'm sure she'll apologize and try to win you over but stay firm and let her experience what it's like not to have a loving parent at her beck and call! She clearly needs this wake-up call - my DH and I had no support at all and it's hard work doing everything yourselves!

I think this is excellent advice. And Mango's right, if you don't address this then it will fester and resentment will build. The best hope of a good future relationship with your daughter and son-in-law is to take Mango's advice.

Just one more thing, this part of the conversation -
"SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us"

I really don't like your son-in-law's "tell me about it". Hand them back their key. It sounds as if he may not be 100% comfortable about it, or, as mentioned by other posters, he may have been posturing, but - consequences. We teach children about consequences and sometimes, adults need a refresher course. I think everyone on this thread knows damn fine they gave you the key to increase the tasks they could burden you with; it seems he needs a reminder. <hard stare>

Your daughter and son in law have behaved appallingly. I wonder how much child care you've save them with three children.

Does she think running her errands like a maid is your idea of a good time? They're a bunch of dicks.

My goodness how rude. I have zero family support with 2 kids under 3. I would do anything to have a Mum like you help out. Come hang out here, you’ll get plenty acknowledgment and flowers! Lol

So agree! With both sets of our kids’ GPs living abroad, I’d be effusive with my gratitude at every turn if we had Granny helping US as much as you do for your DD, OP.
”oh DD, I'd love to help today/this week, but I have lunch with friends/ spa day/ cinema/ country walk/ whatever the hell i damn well like”

Lots to think about. I'm not sure about telling DD that I overheard but I am resolved to not be so available in future for minor things.

To be fair she doesn't always ask directly but will say 'oh, I have a meeting and need to collect dry cleaning' so I will then offer. Again, if I'm at work I may not be able to help out (although I have been known to run her errands in my lunch hour).

I suppose I always thought they were both so appreciative of me but after hearing those comments I feel deflated and sad.

I love my DGC so much and enjoy looking after them so don't want to rock the boat by spoiling our relationship but I agree I need to say No to some things, just because I can.

If you feel deflated and sad you should definitely talk to her. I'm guessing she will feel horrible about it. You can still say no to some things and do less but your relationship with your daughter is precious. It's her fault it's at risk obviously but she doesn't know that.

They're really taking you for granted. Step back a bit. If you change one thing is DO NOT OFFER HELP with anything. Let them ask for it. It may lead to the same result in that you'll still do it but they need to admit how much they need you and also say thank you.

Ugh... How on earth is it acceptable for her to be 'trying to project a certain image to her friend' and nowhere in that did she actually say 'Mum does loads for us we'd be stuffed without her' or 'we really love that Mum helps out, we'd struggle without the time she puts in'..

She had the PERFECT opening to say that, but she didn't, either because she doesn't want to admit she needs help or because she doesn't actually value the help she's being given.

Either way, I'd make it clear I'd heard and clear that since the help isn't actually needed, its just their way of keeping you busy... you have got better things to do with your spare time from now on!

Then don't help unless you actually want to or its a dire emergency!

DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.

I know that you paraphrased but I just can't get how "Mum doing stuff for us" is understood as "doing stuff with her".

If your SIL thinks you are there too much-what is he doing to stop that?

Or he just may have thrown in what he thought was an amusing phrase??!!

It does sound as if you do far too much for others.

Well that might not be so bad if there seemed to be some (any?) appreciation!

But to think that they are doing you a favour by using you as free childcare (or is the "favour" you spending time with your GC🙄) and errand boy!

Surely she’ll recognise this if she sees it? Even if you’ve changed the odd detail? If so does, I hope she feels guilty and apologises!

I think you need to have a word with your DD and let her know that you overheard their conversation about you.

I think you need to ask - do you want me to have a key or not?
They need to realise that by you not having a key, you're not going to be doing X, Y or Z for them any more and they will have to stand on their own two feet more.

I'd also say to them that you are not looking for jobs to do, you have a paying job in the NHS and you've been helping them out in the past. You enjoy spending time with the grandchildren. However after hearing what they have both said, you're going to take a bit of time to rethink what works for you. You're entitled to feel hurt by what was said, without a shadow of a doubt.
I think your SiL needs to apologise to you too because he was being very rude and unkind based on what you've said you have done for them in the past.

I do think you need to work on deciding what your boundaries will be and asserting yourself more.

Yeah it's like the "Oh the wife won't let you out Gary, is it?" 🙄

She has found the parcel by now and has worked out why you did not come into the house.
I suspect she has bigged herself up to the other person.
But how horrible and hurtful to hear that version.
Have the conversation or not.
Definitely pull back your support and embrace your new found time for your own enjoyment and fulfilment.

Also if your life is devoted to the DGCs that you don't really have things you enjoy outside this, don't have skills, hobbies, friends who want you available to socialise with I can see why she thought she was doing you a favour making you feel needed.
Or if you do have things you don't prioritisethem.

Maybe be honest and talk to her...
Say.. I overheard your conversation yesterday and I am hurt.

But also maybe search a little about your own feelings about this - do you feel like you are being taken advantage of, do you feel that it gives you purpose and makes you feel needed so having this reflected to you is painful (I work in a caring profession and caring for others does make me feel good - this is EXACTLY why I do it, I also volunteer for my kids activities, also partly for this reason - it is not a bad thing) and also reflect on the context of the conversation - your DD was having a conversation with a friend who clearly does not have the same relationship with her mother - she may well just have been allowing the conversation to flow in the easiest way it could which didn't give her friend the opening to tell her how she should not have such a close relationship with you and her husband may have a different outlook but your daughter may not want to have that conversation when she knows full well that you are essential to keeping all the plates in life spinning - she may act completely differently towards you in person for very good reasons - sometimes being a chameleon is what we need to do to avoid conflict, never expecting the people who we are talking about to hear the words that we don't fully mean.

In any case, the truth will lie somewhere between your perspective, her real perspective, what you heard yesterday and what you read in to it.
Sometimes it is best to assume the best intentions of all parties and rub along without conflict and sometimes it is best to be honest about your feelings and seek clarification of the meaning behind the words.

Whatever you do, don't just pull away without explanation but do put yourself front and centre - it is clear that your relationship with your daughter and her children is important to you as I am 100% sure, it is also important to your daughter.

FWIW - I think her comments were positive and kind in response to comments from her husband and her friend.

I would tell her that you overheard the conversation, OP. You need to be direct about this, not quietly withdraw some of your help. It's about respect, letting them know that if they treat you/talk about you disrespectfully to their friends, you won't offer your help. If they don't respect your time and help, it's not available to them.

She might not mean it, though. She might have been trying to downplay how much you do for her so she doesn't sound like she's bragging in front of her friends, while still saying she's glad you live so close and that she likes you being involved. She wasn't being nasty or mocking you. Her friends obviously don't have the same level of relationships with their families.

Was your SiL's comment about you, though?

Won't she wonder why you left the package at the gate?

Personally, I would take a step back and only do what suits you from now on.

I agree that it'd be best to tell DD that you overheard the conversation. I think that DM's are perfectly entitled to state their position. You do so much for your family, but you could be doing more for yourself, if all they're doing is trying to fill your time for you.