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Original poster

DH told me he feels he’s missed out

251 replies

JimRoyle · 11/08/2022 09:19

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 11/08/2022 14:21

I would be very hurt and would definitely think less of my husband for saying this to me.

There are lots of ways you can bond with a baby besides feeding it! He should be proud of the way you are nourishing his child, not moaning about feeling left out. It's just petty and childish imo.

Also there is nothing wrong with feeding your baby to sleep. It is the biological norm. I fed my twins to sleep until they were nearly two and wouldn't have changed a thing!

FreyaStorm · 11/08/2022 14:22

Maybe your DH could start taking Domperidone to establish chestfeeding?

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/08/2022 14:24

katepilar · 11/08/2022 13:27

@Giraffesandbottoms A few of my friends have now had children, in which the father's have expressed labour and birth to be very traumatic. Watching the person you love in so much pain, rapidly happening decisions, the complete lack of control you have over any part of the situation involving the women you love and your new born child must be absolutely awful.

Men need to learn that they cant controll and fix everything in the world and especially not womens' stuff, birth above all.

the fact is that whilst men can also be traumatised, equal parents and involved/helpful/supportive AND supported and respected for their role…it still doesn’t mean that men are also pregnant. Nor are they also in labour.

i don’t want to scaremonger someone who has yet to have children but quite frankly when you see/feel the shitshow of your body in the weeks after giving birth you will probably understand how the split of the labour and pregnancy have actually worked, not how they work in theory/fantasy land.

i say this as someone who had some pretty nice births.

ReneBumsWombats · 11/08/2022 14:27

Denying the fact that certain risks and realities are unique to mothers is not being supportive. It's quite the opposite.

Silverfinch · 11/08/2022 14:28

Dreamstate · 11/08/2022 14:01

I don't think OP's husband is asking her to stop bf, nowhere has OP said that is what her partner is asking her do. He is just expressing some feelings. He seems to based on OP's info step up in every other way. He has right to how he feels and in a loving and supportive relationship you should be able to express your feelings to each other even if there is nothing that can be done to just say it out allowed and talk about it can be enough. Better than bottling it up, hiding it inside and letting it eat you up.

If a man is genuinely likely to be eaten up because he cannot physically breastfeed then he is probably suffering from some form of body dysphoria and needs professional help.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 14:29

ChrisTrepidation · 11/08/2022 14:21

I would be very hurt and would definitely think less of my husband for saying this to me.

There are lots of ways you can bond with a baby besides feeding it! He should be proud of the way you are nourishing his child, not moaning about feeling left out. It's just petty and childish imo.

Also there is nothing wrong with feeding your baby to sleep. It is the biological norm. I fed my twins to sleep until they were nearly two and wouldn't have changed a thing!

You'd think less of your partner for being open and honest with how he is feeling?

Golly, that's really terrible

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/08/2022 14:30

It’s odd how so many mothers say they find BF gives them a wonderful bond with their baby, yet can’t see why a Dad could possibly think he’s missing out on something

I can see why a dad might think he’s missing out. The response would be “men can’t breastfeed and this is something that’s bed for my baby/I’m designed to do so I will be doing it”. I’m sure it’s natural for men to simply take longer to bond due to this reason. It will happen when it happens 🤷🏻‍♀️ DH didn’t bond as quickly with DS1 but by the time he got to preschool they were extremely close and he bonded much soon with 2 and 3 because he knows what’s to come - things he can do with them and be appreciated for and is good at eg silly play and sports etc.

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/08/2022 14:35

Also fed my eldest 2 to sleep for 2-3 years each and they now sleep alone perfectly happily. They were not great sleepers. I feed DC3 to sleep and do all the same stuff and he sleeps excellently already so it’s to do with comfort and doing whatever you like and don’t listen to anything else.

PattyMelt · 11/08/2022 15:00

I breastfed my sons for 15 months and 2 years respectively, both have a great bond with their father who even had the cheek to work long hours missing our on bedtime on often. I bottle-fed our Dd who has a great bond with both myself and her father. He's talking bollocks, breastfeeding has nothing to do with how he relates to his children. He bond over being with the child, playing, going for walks, bathing etc. It's not only about the way they are fed

Wouldloveanother · 11/08/2022 15:09

As I said before your DH shout butt out but I never really found bfing a ‘bonding’ experience, to be honest I don’t really know what that even means - I loved DD fiercely from when she was about 2 days old and had got over the birth a bit 😂 it’s not like I had to build that love up through bfing.

ChrisTrepidation · 11/08/2022 15:14

@PastaCheese Yes I would think less of him. I would expect my husband to be nothing less than 100% supportive of my breastfeeding journey. Therefore him moaning about feeling 'left out' and therefore making me feel guilty would damage my opinion of him.

Not all feelings need to be voiced. Especially when it's about such a sensitive subject. Women who breastfeed get so much shit thrown at them already without adding a complaining partner into the mix.

Hugasauras · 11/08/2022 15:15

It’s odd how so many mothers say they find BF gives them a wonderful bond with their baby, yet can’t see why a Dad could possibly think he’s missing out on something

But it's a bond a dad can never ever have so it's not that he's missing out, it's just that it's something he can't have so doesn't want his wife to either 🤷‍♀️ he wants them both to miss out so he doesn't feel like he is.

Tinaaaaarrrghhh · 11/08/2022 15:20

GeriSignfeld · 11/08/2022 14:16

How can someone feel they are "missing out" on something they can't biologically do?

@GeriSignfeld

When I was a young girl I used to feel I was missing out by not being able to dunk an basketball like Michael Jordan.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 15:22

ChrisTrepidation · 11/08/2022 15:14

@PastaCheese Yes I would think less of him. I would expect my husband to be nothing less than 100% supportive of my breastfeeding journey. Therefore him moaning about feeling 'left out' and therefore making me feel guilty would damage my opinion of him.

Not all feelings need to be voiced. Especially when it's about such a sensitive subject. Women who breastfeed get so much shit thrown at them already without adding a complaining partner into the mix.

Then you're a pretty terrible wife

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/08/2022 15:27

Hugasauras · 11/08/2022 15:15

It’s odd how so many mothers say they find BF gives them a wonderful bond with their baby, yet can’t see why a Dad could possibly think he’s missing out on something

But it's a bond a dad can never ever have so it's not that he's missing out, it's just that it's something he can't have so doesn't want his wife to either 🤷‍♀️ he wants them both to miss out so he doesn't feel like he is.

Perfectly put

ReneBumsWombats · 11/08/2022 15:33

I can see why a father might feel he's missing out. I just can't see why he'd respond to that feeling in any way other than compensating for it by doing all the other bonding activities that are available.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 15:44

ReneBumsWombats · 11/08/2022 15:33

I can see why a father might feel he's missing out. I just can't see why he'd respond to that feeling in any way other than compensating for it by doing all the other bonding activities that are available.

As per the OPs second post

He is

Dreamstate · 11/08/2022 15:53

Except there is nowhere where OP has said her OH is asking her to stop breastfeeding - happy for to show me where he has said that.

Surely someone can just voice a frustration or feeling they have been carrying with their partner even if nothing can be done about it. There are lots of times various things happen where we are all in that situation where nothing can be done but we feel frustrated and voice it.

GeriSignfeld · 11/08/2022 16:00

Tinaaaaarrrghhh · 11/08/2022 15:20

@GeriSignfeld

When I was a young girl I used to feel I was missing out by not being able to dunk an basketball like Michael Jordan.

Show quote history

Just because you were physically unable doesn't make you biologically unable

Somewhere out there is some 7 foot woman who can dunk just like Jordan!

Clymene · 11/08/2022 16:24

Dreamstate · 11/08/2022 15:53

Except there is nowhere where OP has said her OH is asking her to stop breastfeeding - happy for to show me where he has said that.

Surely someone can just voice a frustration or feeling they have been carrying with their partner even if nothing can be done about it. There are lots of times various things happen where we are all in that situation where nothing can be done but we feel frustrated and voice it.

Why though? What is the OP supposed to do with that information? Why is he telling her except to make her feel guilty?

There is no obligation to tell everyone about every thought that comes into your head.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 16:26

@Clymene

Support, listen?

You know, what most people do when their partners vent or unload.

MeenzAmRhoi · 11/08/2022 17:34

Men like this give me the rage. My son (2years 1month) was exclusively breastfed and continued to be breastfed until 23 months. His dad has a great bond with him. He changed all the nappies and gave him tummy massages to help with the wind where he'd talk to him. He would carry DS around, cuddling him when DS was screaming with tummy pain. He took DS for a walk in the carrier to do naps. He rocked DS to sleep some nights. He did skin to skin on his month paternity. There's literally so many ways to bond with your child

Your husband is being ridiculous

MeenzAmRhoi · 11/08/2022 17:38

MeenzAmRhoi · 11/08/2022 17:34

Men like this give me the rage. My son (2years 1month) was exclusively breastfed and continued to be breastfed until 23 months. His dad has a great bond with him. He changed all the nappies and gave him tummy massages to help with the wind where he'd talk to him. He would carry DS around, cuddling him when DS was screaming with tummy pain. He took DS for a walk in the carrier to do naps. He rocked DS to sleep some nights. He did skin to skin on his month paternity. There's literally so many ways to bond with your child

Your husband is being ridiculous

And to add, I breastfed to sleep most nights so it was only occasionally that DH did rock him to sleep at night, not often at all.

It's not op's job to help her husband bond with his own son 🙄

C8H10N4O2 · 11/08/2022 18:00

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 16:26

@Clymene

Support, listen?

You know, what most people do when their partners vent or unload.

But that doesn't go both ways?

She has to support him guilt tripping her and making her feel bad because he is not biologically equipped to feed a baby.

But he doesn't have to support the woman doing the long shifts immediately after bearing the pregnancy and birth and the whole hit on her body by keeping just some of his sillier thoughts to himself?

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 18:03

@C8H10N4O2

Where does the OP state he isn't supportive of her

And secondly who is guilt tripping anyone

He is telling his wife how he feels

What most in normal, healthy, relationships do

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