DH told me he feels he’s missed out

[JimRoyle]

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

This is so illogical and bizarre when there are a million other ‘bonding’ things that he could have taken the lead on, that I would guess he is just gunning for a fight. Or wants to make you feel bad.

How is your relationship?

So if feeding is so apparently vital to the bonding experience, how do aunties, uncles, siblings & cousins possibly bond with a breastfed baby?

How is feeding a baby a bottle any different to just holding the baby?

How does feeding them trump other daily experiences like bathing, bedtime, playing, watching them while they sleep?

They should not have to be eating to bond with them.

Let's hope he doesn't have foolish concepts of what fatherhood entails & this isn't just the start of seeing a huge character flaw inside him.

If you didn't want to breastfeed that's your choice and perfectly fine

But there are many health benefits to both the baby and the mother of breastfeeding. Implying that mothers should miss out on those benefits for themselves and their baby just to meet their husbands needs is odd.

Personally I would prefer a husband who was mature enough to understand that a small babies needs were as important as his and that therefore he would be able to do everything except the feeding, unless/until I was comfortable pumping.

We have twins (also 10mo) raised and fed exactly the same. DD will happily go to just about anyone, whereas DS can be very clingy and often just wants me. YANBU to feel upset with the comment; there are no guarantees it’s even just down to feeding anyway. However, I don’t think he’s unreasonable to feel like he has missed out on opportunities to bond either.

Only if it doesn't upset the baby, and if that were the case would this post exist?

He's being ridiculous. It's a biology thing - women can breastfeed and men can't, it's so obvious!

I didn't bf but dh still had his things he did with the dc more than me as a way to bond.

He did most of the bathtimes from birth
He took them swimming every week from a few weeks old
He took them out alone for a walk a few times a week from about 2weeks old
He got up with them at 6am every weekday and fed them, changed them and entertained them while he got ready for work then put them back in bed when he left at 7.30
He did stories and songs and cuddles

He’s being a knob. If he wants to bond, he can change nappies and cuddle and play, and wear a sling. DD was EBF til 2.5 and she and DP have an excellent bond, and he wore her in a sling from birth. Plenty of ways to parent if you’re not the one feeding.

My daughter is 6, her dad is not her biological dad but became her dad at age 6. Sometimes they seem more bonded than myself and her. Their bond is very strong.

I'm sure your husband can form a bond like this with his biological child if my husband can form that bond with our 6 year old.

I think this depends on how he said it. Whether he is sad he doesn't feel he has a strong bond and wants one or if he is just using it as an excuse to bow out of parenting properly.

If he was clumsily saying he wants a stronger bond with the baby then he needs to work at it. It doesn't just happen. You learn how to settle a baby through trial and error, you learn what makes them happy by trying stuff. My DH was the same, he knew that breastfeeding would calm the baby but didn't know what else would so would always just give him to me at the first sign of trouble but then I had to go back to work at 9 months and a toddler is very different to a baby so new strategies are needed.

Maybe you guys just need to discuss what else he can do to be more hands on going forwards.

Sorry!! Became her dad at age 1.5 years! (that sounded very bad, no edit) She was 1.5 years when we got together.

Even FF babies still scream for Mum a lot and want to be held by her more, it’s normal so I don’t think it’s a BF only problem that he feels a bit like he can’t settle the baby. So please don’t take it personally or feel like he is resenting you. As others have said there are many ways to bond with babies and even for Mums who BF it can take a long time. He needs to put in the effort.

Things he can do:

Feed solids
Play
Change nappy
Baths
Take out to park
Read stories
Sing songs
Join in with bedtimes

Things he can't do:

Breastfeed

I feel like your husband is getting a hard time. He’s not blaming you and it sounds like he’s never tried to dissuade you from breastfeeding, all he’s done is have some feelings about it?

For what it’s worth, we ended up bottle feeding and my husband said he really enjoyed having that time with our daughter. Breastfeeding is best for lots of people so I would never say not to do it just based on dad’s feelings, but at the same time I can see how he might feel like he missed out.

I wouldn’t give this any headspace. ‘I’m sorry you feel like that, but we can’t change the past, what would you like to do going forward?’ And then let him step up and do a bit more.

Sorry, haven't RTFT.

I think it's ok that he feels he missed out. It's factually true. But he would want to cop on a bit. There's loads he can do for the baby - changing, playing, feeding solids, going for walks, winding. Buckets.

My first never once took a bottle, second took one occasionally then stopped. DH has a fabulous bond with both because he put the effort in.

Plus I never understood the bottle feeding creating a bond thing. DH and I both did some bottle feeding of DD1 as she couldn't latch at first, and it didn't feel any different to just holding or cuddling her, just with the added bonus of getting puked on after. I think he's overestimating the magic of holding a bottle.

What I think he's jealous of is not that he hasn't had an opportunity to bond but that BF has given you and her a unique bond which he can't have the exact same of, which is true. But that's nothing to do with the way he bonds with her or the strength of that bond.

I suspected this might divide opinions!

I’m sorry, I feel I’ve been harsh on my DH here judging by some of the responses. Hope this is not going to frustrate people as a drip feed but he DOES do a lot esp during his working day, his ‘breaks’ (wfh) are spent with baby to give me a rest whenever he possibly can.

He gets baby ready every day, does bathtime every night, takes baby so I can cook tea (my choice, I’d rather have the break and do something else while he has baby so I can have a bit of respite from childcare!) he takes baby for walks during the day, does mealtimes with us and helps me clean up after. He is an amazing parent and I really hope I haven’t made him sound otherwise.

I just feel sad that he feels he’s missed out. I am
gutted about it to be honest because I feel like that’s down to my choices and I have been so proud of my breastfeeding journey. I’ve had to give up different things in my diet because of allergies & I have sacrificed a lot to feed our child. so it’s just a shame, esp when I’ve felt that we all have such a lovely bond and a really happy family life. But I do get the benefit of spending every day with our baby and I am having 13m off work (with annual leave) and I can imagine it’s tough on dads sometimes when they only have 2 weeks.

I do always say he can take our baby out without me whenever he wants to. I think maybe he doesn’t want me to feel like he doesn’t want me involved at weekends etc? Maybe I need to chat with him and reassure him that I don’t mind (I’d like the time off tbh 😂)?

Not sure what else I can do about it really other than hope he starts to feel better about it. Like PP have said, it’s understandable… and I guess it was said at a highly emotional time. Hopefully if he is able to do more bedtimes, in time he will feel better for it.

Also he hasn't 'missed out'. He just hasn't been proactive about bothering as you're the one continually prompting him to do the activities that will help him bond. But instead of taking responsibility and stepping up, he has latched on (no pun intended) onto something he can blame instead of his own inaction.

If he's missed out it's of his own doing.

Also to answer a few questions

• I’ve never left him at bedtime cos I’ve never wanted to. Until recently. I am not a huge drinker and I haven’t been bothered but now I’d like a bit of freedom to meet friends, go to the gym etc maybe once a week.

• I feed him to sleep (please no judgement, this is my choice and I’ve been made to feel bad about it enough over the last 10mo, this is what we do) which is why DH has never done bedtime or a bedtime feed.

• I’m not giving up breastfeeding - I don’t want to, but more importantly my baby certainly doesn’t want to

• it’s not as simple as using formula because he’d be on a prescription formula. We have tried it and he refused it and went on a bottle strike for months which has disrupted the bottle stuff as well. Luckily he’s now taking a bottle again but I’m just going to continue breastfeeding & expressing.

You decided not to see if you could breastfeed and give your baby all the nutritional and emotional benefits that potentially come as part of breastfeeding because your husband might feel left out? Christ.

Most decent husbands find plenty of ways to bond and be hands on with the baby whilst supporting the mother with breast feeding, it’s only the really shit ones that throw a strop because they’re not the centre of attention as part of their child being fed. I must live on another planet because if my husband discouraged me from breastfeeding because he said he felt “excluded” I tell him to grow the fuck up and prioritise the needs of his child over his ego!

Your comments about breastfeeding are about the things you are sacrificing to do the best thing for the baby

His comments around about how it wasn't best for him

You are putting the baby first he isn't. Its great that he is a hands on dad but it feels like he is focusing on the one negative around all the positives and he needs to think about whether his mindset is actually affecting his bonding as well.

I get your point about the 2 weeks paternity leave - I think its shit personally. But did you both not discuss shared parental leave as an option?

Either he’s as involved as he can be in every single other part of your child’s care of he’s not. And that’s up to him. If he is he’s not missed out on anything. And as he’s wfh there’s nothing to stop him preparing and feeding your baby every solid meal. If feeding is so important tell him to go nuts on that front.

You’re doing the best thing for your baby and for yourself by BF, it sounds like it’s been hard so you should be especially proud and he should be grateful. He’s choosing not to be and making it all about himself. I wouldn’t be impressed.

I feed him to sleep (please no judgement, this is my choice and I’ve been made to feel bad about it enough over the last 10mo, this is what we do) which is why DH has never done bedtime or a bedtime feed

Who made you feel bad? Feeding to sleep is fine.

Very well said.