DH told me he feels he’s missed out

[JimRoyle]

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

@RedWingBoots

Just because you know of only one man to be negatively impacted doesn't mean it's not an issue

I don't know any woman who has been negatively impacted by taking Mat leave (myself included, I was promoted on both my mat leaves)

But that doesn't mean I can't understand other women have different experiences

Your husband could be doing bedtime. Have you not enabled this?

I think that your h is not unreasonable to be upset that he can't settle baby but that's not because of bf. Dads of ff babies would say that their wives were better at settling too. It's not surprising really- mums are the ones on maternity leave literally holding the baby a lot of the day so become the familiar feeling /smell that a baby wants when falling asleep. The fact that baby prefers mum doesn't mean that dad hasn't bonded with the baby.

He needs to find what he's good at. Maybe own an activity that he does with baby exclusively. He needs to get over his battered ego and accept that this is something that he may be better at when baby is older and goes to sleep with a story rather than breastfeed.

While babies bond with the person who primarily feeds them, they also manage to bond with people who can't breastfeed them like carers at nursery, grandparents and siblings.

@Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits Apart from one of my friend's experiences, I actually think it helps fathers who take shared parental leave careers.

@SudocremOnEverything tell your DH he's welcome to read the same bloody story for 10+ nights in a row, with if he's lucky, a night's relief.

😂Ha! Nice one. @FourTeaFallOut

While you are correct of course that oxytocin is released whilst BF, it is not true that oxytocin plays no part in FF. Oxytocin levels of both the baby and the parent are increased simply by looking/cuddling/playing etc. So of course if a parents snuggles up to their baby, looking in their eyes etc whilst giving a bottle, oxytocin also plays a large part. You said yourself it is called the cuddle hormone.

I EBF my 4 babies, and it helped create a wonderful bond. But I'm sure snuggling up and bottle feeding would have also been a lovely bonding experience. As are the countless other ways of interacting with a baby. For what it's worth, with my first baby, when I was struggling with pain etc whilst BF in the early days, I used to feel envious of my DH, as he got all the lovely sleepy cuddles after a feed that I'd just battled through!

It sounds like he's not seen the many failed attempts that you made in order to learn how to settle baby. Practice means that you can (usually) settle baby now and he needs to practice if he wants to get better.

Anecdotally, I did all night feeds but when the kids were older and woke up in the night they'd shout for daddy. He's the one who was good at keeping them calm while changing the sheets and settling them again.

I think quite a lot of men are envious of the closeness that bf brings between Mum and baby; and sometimes they see your tits as their property which has been stolen away. He just has to get over it; or grow a pair (boobs I mean).

I’d say this is perhaps guilt transferred onto you op. He could do numerous things to bond with your child. I bf dd for 2 1/2 years. She and dh have a lovely bond.

Not every woman can or should breastfeed. But it should never be the father, who decides. Nor should he ever discourage a mother from doing so.

To be the father of your DS who feel's he can't put his son to sleep because he shouts and screams for his mother must be really upsetting. I imagine he feel's somewhat of a failure that he cannot give you a night off the evenign routine, he cannot settle his son and that he son is essentially rejecting him.

Oh come off it.
The baby is screaming for mum because dad has left it all to mum, & has successfully diverted her attention away from this fact by whinging about breastfeeding.

When mothers put their babies to bed, babies often cry.
Mothers just stick at it until that
phase is over.
They don't get to opt out by not trying hard enough, defaulting to the other parent, then blame-whinging about "bonding".

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc.

If he wants bedtimes to go easier for him, he needs to try sticking at it like his wife did, & start spending more one-on-one time with his own child, instead of blaming his wife for his distance.

@KettrickenSmiled

How has the DH left it all to mum

Have you even bothered to read her other comments?

Ah @RedWingBoots I’ve decided to divorce him instead. That way I can read Superworm 800 times in a row without a 43 year old throwing a temper tantrum because he’s not getting enough attention. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@lucylooareyou you seem to think that your relationship is superior and that I must be some terribly unsupportive wife.

DH and I are supportive of each other, treat each other with love and respect.

AND he is emotionally mature enough to understand that I was the focus during labour, and didn't feel minimised or unvalued. He isn't a man child who needs me to pander to him.

He was also incredibly supportive of me BFing, especially in the first couple of weeks when I found it difficult. I've always credited him with keeping me going. Thankfully he understands the restrictions of his own biology and didn't feel left out.

So, if we're playing your game of who has the best relationship, i think I win.

I would guess this is about the relationship at large and less about breastfeeding.

I’m sensing it because it’s the other way round with me and DP: he is often taking the initiative with stuff about DD and taking over when things are tricky. I feel left out sometimes about this (even after exclusively breastfeeding for 7 months).

so I think it’s not a war of the sexes issue about breastfeeding, but about how things are between you and what is your dynamic?

Equal pregnancy?

My goodness how does he think that fathers bonded with their children for Millions of years prior to formula.

Bonding is about being a steady and consistent person in a baby/child's life.

Also you seem to be taking on his emotions to fix which isn't your job at all, I would be telling your husband (in a living way that only someone close to you can do) to pull himself together. There's many times when children will behave in ways that can be hurtful. My DS does the classic I want my Dad and I occasionally feel it's because I work FT and DH is PT but really it's just cause he's playing up.

Your DH needs to learn to emotionally regulate himself.

Your MH is really important to the baby study after study has shown this do not allow yourself to be pulled down by this.

Oh and I BF DS until he was 3, he's 6 now and very well bonded to DH, BF my DDs until about 2 and both are bonded with DH although the teenage years are testing that 😉

I feel like your husband is getting a hard time. He’s not blaming you and it sounds like he’s never tried to dissuade you from breastfeeding, all he’s done is have some feelings about it?

He should be getting a hard time.
He's barely bothered bottle feeding when OP expresses - but he's happy to whinge about missing out on the feeding experience.

It's utter bullshit. If he feels he is missing out, all he needs do is step up. Taking over some night wakes would be a good start but he doesn't do that either, because strategic incompetence ie the baby cries. Of course she does - she's not used to seeing daddy at bedtime or night time.

I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed.

You need to reframe this OP.
If I told you I'm jealous of your job because I'm unemployed, but refused to attend interviews or search the job pages, would you feel that I was not being lazy? Would you then feel guilty about your job, & pander to my feelings?
Or would you want to tell me to buck the fuck up & start getting proactive?

There's only one reason he missed out - he didn't bother trying.
And now he is deflecting this & tying you in knots worrying about breastfeeding. He's being an absolute knob - he chose not to involve himself, & how he's bitching about not feeling involved.

He's a mardy-bum, isn't he?
It would put me off a man, if he was so pathetic. He should be happy his baby is being well cared for.

Your STBex is a very lucky man.

He can read Superworm to your DS on the evenings and night he gets to have your DS stay plus cook, feed him, clean up, wash is clothes, buy his clothes etc. Make the most of your nights off as they won't last long when your STBex realises looking after children is a hard slog and disappears.

If we’re having equal pregnancy now, I’d be delegating the sickness, the months of rib pain, the stretch marks and the actual labour to my equal partner.

wait… you mean it’s not actually an equal thing and I have to do all that stuff because the ‘equality’ is entirely rhetorical?

Let's hope it's just a confidence issue OP.
Because you are putting a lovely positive interpretation on his seeming reluctance to spend any alone time with his baby. And solo care of his child is the best thing he can do to increase his confidence - if this daft outburst is confidence-related.

I do always say he can take our baby out without me whenever he wants to. I think maybe he doesn’t want me to feel like he doesn’t want me involved at weekends etc? Maybe I need to chat with him and reassure him that I don’t mind (I’d like the time off tbh 😂)?

I'm also utterly astounded at the PP who put her husband's wants above her baby's optimum nutrition. It does make me wonder what other needs of that child's will be sacrificed to the man's ego.

I've bf 3 children, for a cumulative total of 11 years (some of it tandem, so more like 9 years of actually doing it). I largely co-slept too, for the first couple of years in each case. Dh did, alongside me and in varying proportions, everything else it is possible to do. The bond was always there, from the beginning, because he was all about them and not himself. OP, your dh is making it about himself, inappropriately. It does come across as a typically male self-centring, and as such, I wouldn't be inclined to indulge it.

Yes, which is why I've highlighted so many of them in my own responses @PastaCheese

HTH