DH told me he feels he’s missed out

[JimRoyle]

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

Get a grip man. Tell him to brace himself for feeding it for the rest of its childhood.

I wonder if he is going to avoid helping at all now with the excuse that you didn't let him bond over the first few months.......

I am also curious about how an equal pregnancy manifests itself. DH’s part towards creating the baby was over in all of a minute but my stretch marks are forever 🥲

It was fine not to breastfeed because you didn't want to. You didn't need to turn it into a weird moralistic stance whereby you nobly and selflessly prioritised a man's inability to accept reality.

I think we can all agree that the equal part he played in producing the pregnancy is definitely the easy bit!

I’m not sure that both having supplied a gamete for the conception process makes pregnancy and equally shared endeavour.

I expect he will give equal birth too.

Frankly, I am beyond exasperated with men's appropriation of women's rights, spaces, & now even pregnancy & breastfeeding FFS. There's even characters around who want to appropriate menstruation - looking at you, Yaniv.

Where's all this equality when menopause hits?

Yep. Setting up to blame OP...honestly men these days have gone fucking bonkers.

@ReneBumsWombats puts it more succinctly & clearly than I managed to. Cheers Wombat.

Good for you, I have no interest in playing relationship vs relationship with strangers on the internet, but I am happy you have a supportive partner.

I don't care for being superior in any sense of the word, infact the opposite. I dont want to be superior to my partner because I am carrying our child, I want him to feel as valued by me and i know i am by him because i am carrying his child.

I simply acknowledged that pregnancy, labour and bringing our child into the world is not all about me/women. Supportive partners should also be given the recognition they deserve for the slack they pick up during this time.
I feel everyone should be acknolwedged when it is deserved, and just because I am going through the physical rollercoaster of pregnancy on my own, the emotional aspect, and the other physcial aspects of life he would need to pick up because I am not able to are still very real and i appreciate him for that.
When suicide is one of the biggest killers in men, checking in on their emotional state and not minimising it seem's a very simple and easy thing to do.

OP's partner sounds like he is wonderful at pulling his weight, and has expressed a sadness that he doesn't feel as bonded as he would like - acknowledging that feeling and exploring it is the healthiest way to have a functional relationship.

I simply acknowledged that pregnancy, labour and bringing our child into the world is not all about me/women

Well no, they're also about the baby, but it's clear from the context that what you mean is that pregnancy and labour also about men.

So why are you "acknowledging" total nonsense?

@KettrickenSmiled

Did you even bother to read that post fully?

The poster wasn't keen to BF anyway

Why not grow up and stop calling other women handmaidens

It just makes you look like an absolute fool

I simply acknowledged that pregnancy, labour and bringing our child into the world is not all about me/women. Supportive partners should also be given the recognition they deserve for the slack they pick up during this time.
Christ, that’s a low bar. Picking up the slack while someone else gestates a human, with all the horrible side effects that entails, then labours and recovers from birth while simultaneously keeping that baby alive with their body, is basic-level supportive partner stuff. They don’t need a trophy. And what slack is there to pick up when you’re in labour? Someone to swig your discarded sports drink while you’re busy crowning?

Can we please not head straight to suicide in as a reason why women need to be kinder to men? It’s an enormously problematic rhetorical move.

DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

This is the problem. If babies only settled for mums then nursery carers would never settle bf babies. But babies learn to settle for nursery workers because they learn how their carers smell and feel and the workers do it regularly. Of course mum will be their first choice but they grow attached to their nursery carer too.

I breastfed all 3 of mine, and DH used to do bathtime/bedtime/nappy changes to give me chance to sit quietly with a mug of tea. If he's only ever done 1 bedtime, he's taking the piss tbh. All of ours settled much better for DH because they couldn't smell milk.

Bonding happens in so many other ways than feeding.

I'm not sure that I could respect a man who had to declare that his feelings were hurt over this............

It's also so ridiculous in the context of pregnancy and labour that it actually comes across as disrespectful. Men are not taking their own lives over the fact that women gestate and give birth.

Lumme, who got @PastaCheese's post deleted?
Under the "personal attack" rule, I take it?

Cheers, fellow PP, whoever you are.

Like @AnneLovesGilbert says, I breast fed all our three, ( until around 2 years ) but DH certainly didn’t feel left out. Feeding is only a small part of looking after a baby. He too bathed babies, burped and changed them and spent hours and hours comforting one who had colic while I got some sleep. He did more than his share of household chores and cooking, in fact the only thing he didn’t do was breast feed. OP maybe your dh just regrets not being so hands on in the earlier days but he can make up for it now. Tiny babies won’t remember who did what but from now on dh can decide to take a more active role. Don’t feel guilty. We all live and learn. Feeding won’t be quite such an urgent need for your little one now so dad can become more involved with play and weaning. After all, children soon adapt and become very close to other members of the family and care givers. Since we have become more involved with our dgc, nearly 2, we have a lovely relationship. She asks to come and see us. But in the early days she spent most of her time with her parents, and rightly so.

And yours have been deleted due to the blatant misogyny you've posted here

Calling women handmaidens

Get a grip

Ha ha mine are gone too now.
Probably for the best, the squabbling wasn't helping OP.

Misogyny isn't good for anyone