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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH told me he feels he’s missed out

251 replies

JimRoyle · 11/08/2022 09:19

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
JimRoyle · 11/08/2022 09:21

When I say ‘leaving it all to me’ I mean leaving it to me to say when I am ready etc. He doesn’t want to push me… not leaving all the childcare to me! He’s very involved and often takes our baby for walks, does nappy changes and helps with meals etc during his working day.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 11/08/2022 09:22

He's being ridiculous. Feeding is about the baby, it's for the baby, and as you were able to breastfeed that was the best option for the baby. He is making it all about him.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/08/2022 09:23

Yanbu to feel a bit upset because it’s a sad thing to hear, but YWBU to try and tell your DH he’s wrong to feel that way. His feelings are his feelings and they are valid.

Is he trying to blame you, or is he just saying how he feels? It doesn’t sound like there’s any need for you to have taken on guilt or frustration as if it’s your fault. It doesn’t have to be any one’s fault, it just is what it is.

Maybe now’s the time to stop breastfeeding if you’re starting to want some evening time back and your DH is wanting to do more.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 09:25

The only thing he hasn’t been able to do is BF. If he hasn’t done everything else that’s on him for a staggering lack of initiative and effort. Doesn’t say much for him tbh.

I Bf, DH changed nappies, winded, bathed, sang, walked, played, chatted, held her while she napped, fed her solids, they’re amazingly close because he could be bothered to spend time with her.

His older DC were FF from birth and he’s just as close to DD.

It’s a lazy selfish argument. Tell him to step up if he wants to be a decent and involved dad.

RedHelenB · 11/08/2022 09:25

I breastfed and my dh at the time put the babies to sleep and took them our and about on his own.

SpacePotato · 11/08/2022 09:26

He needs to get over himself.
There are plenty of ways for him to have bonded with the baby without giving him a bottle.
He IS trying to put blame on you for it.

You have done nothing wrong.

GCAcademic · 11/08/2022 09:27

His feelings are his feelings and they are valid.

Feelings are valid in the sense that they exist. That doesn't mean that they are always justified, or should be pandered to, or that one shouldn't have a word with oneself for being irrational.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 09:28

It doesn’t have to be any one’s fault, it just is what it is.

Of course it’s his fault for blaming his lack of boobs for choosing to bond with his baby. Nothing stopped him from doing literally everything else. Which other dads do every day. It’s lazy.

Maybe now’s the time to stop breastfeeding if you’re starting to want some evening time back and your DH is wanting to do more.

Nope. Why should OP stop something that’s beneficial for her and her child to pander to do a man child?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/08/2022 09:29

I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

Why have you never left him at bedtime?

Davyjones · 11/08/2022 09:29

There are many ways to bond
there’s only one way to breastfeed

Davyjones · 11/08/2022 09:30

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/08/2022 09:29

I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

Why have you never left him at bedtime?

Because there’s no need to when it upsets the baby

a baby does bed to learn to not have their needs met, or to modify their needs to please adults

Arenanewbie · 11/08/2022 09:30

His position is very strange. I absolutely agree with @AnneLovesGilbert ..
I breastfed DD until 13 months, DH played with her, took her to walks, changed her and bathed her there are lots that can be done.

MolliciousIntent · 11/08/2022 09:31

Yeah this is v weird - I breastfed DD1 til she was 1, currently 6m in with DD2, and DH has never struggled to do things for them. Bath, cuddles, carrier naps...

FourTeaFallOut · 11/08/2022 09:33

God, it's such a shame that there aren't a million other things to do to meet a baby's needs over 10 months, right? Such a shame that you hogged the baby with breastfeeding 🙄

And now this is a problem for you to fix, right? Joy.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/08/2022 09:34

*Because there’s no need to when it upsets the baby

a baby does bed to learn to not have their needs met, or to modify their needs to please adults*

My point was if he's never done bedtime, of course the baby finds it hard. I don't think it's a bad thing to let a baby settle with both parents. If the mother always puts the child to bed, it's not a surprise he won't settle with dad.

GeriSignfeld · 11/08/2022 09:34

Funny how nappy changes, playing together & spending time in the presence of the baby hasn't helped him feel bonded.

There are plenty of things he can do to bond with baby that don't involve feeding them.

The baby needs to eat, this isn't a personal slight against him. Why is he making this about him at all & his feelings? It's just food. Soon the baby will be on solids & he can feed them to his heart's content.

Is this attitude due to the UK having such low breastfeeding rates? That he had this warm fuzzy image in his mind of holding baby while they drink from a bottle & feels denied of this somehow vital experience?

When I read posts like this, am utterly grateful never had kids so didn't have to deal with their father cracking the sads because the child was breastfed, leaving me feeling anxious about their lack of bonding.

I would shut this right down & have a sharp word with him, no way would I be wanting to hear him lament about this ever again while my breasts were sore & swollen. Fuck that shit!

Mariposista · 11/08/2022 09:36

This is MN where everyone will chant 'he is being selfish and/or ridiculous' but your husband has a point. A tiny baby bonds with the one who feeds it - food is a baby's basic need, so your husband has been excluded from this whole process. I discussed this with my husband before having our son and he said how he really wanted to be fully hands on, and be an equal parent, so we decided I wouldn't BF. I didn't really want to anyway, but I am glad I involved him in the choice and didn't just steam ahead and put MY needs to bond first.

Sunnyqueen · 11/08/2022 09:37

Why can't he do bedtime? You can do feed and pass over to dh to put him down surely??

FourTeaFallOut · 11/08/2022 09:38

Mariposista · 11/08/2022 09:36

This is MN where everyone will chant 'he is being selfish and/or ridiculous' but your husband has a point. A tiny baby bonds with the one who feeds it - food is a baby's basic need, so your husband has been excluded from this whole process. I discussed this with my husband before having our son and he said how he really wanted to be fully hands on, and be an equal parent, so we decided I wouldn't BF. I didn't really want to anyway, but I am glad I involved him in the choice and didn't just steam ahead and put MY needs to bond first.

Is that you, Cow & Gate?

Brented · 11/08/2022 09:40

Feeding a small baby whether breast of bottle is a bonding experience. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you husband to feel like that. If it was the other way around, I think I’d be a bit jealous of my husband if he did all the feeds. It’s not your fault, it’s just the way it is, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for husbands and wives to express tell each other how they are honestly feeling even if there is nothing that can be done about it.

GCAcademic · 11/08/2022 09:40

Mariposista · 11/08/2022 09:36

This is MN where everyone will chant 'he is being selfish and/or ridiculous' but your husband has a point. A tiny baby bonds with the one who feeds it - food is a baby's basic need, so your husband has been excluded from this whole process. I discussed this with my husband before having our son and he said how he really wanted to be fully hands on, and be an equal parent, so we decided I wouldn't BF. I didn't really want to anyway, but I am glad I involved him in the choice and didn't just steam ahead and put MY needs to bond first.

Feeding isn't about the needs of either parent. It's about the baby.

lucylooareyou · 11/08/2022 09:41

I don't think this is a weird thing for him to be upset about, but if he has said it in an 'its your fault' kind of way then he is being v. v. unreasonable.

Since the start of pregnancy women have a bond with unborn baby that men cannot have on the same level, for obvious reasons. From birth, the mother's are (quite rightly and understandably) the focus of attention, along with baby, for being new mothers. Father's are sort of expected to just be on the sidelines for mothers and baby, think perfectly rationally, be perfectly happy with every set up because they are men.

Me and my partner are currently 34 weeks pregnant, and reguarly have conversations that make me feel slightly sad in that apart from supporting me, it's so much harder for him to feel he has a bond with our to be DD because he is essentially on the outside. I don't think what he's saying should be written off, he is obviously somewhat envious of the close bond that has obviously been created due to BF. To be the father of your DS who feel's he can't put his son to sleep because he shouts and screams for his mother must be really upsetting. I imagine he feel's somewhat of a failure that he cannot give you a night off the evenign routine, he cannot settle his son and that he son is essentially rejecting him.

Is any of this down to being BF? maybe, but you shouldn't be blamed or feel guilty for it. You were feeding your son, and that's amazing. But acknowledging your partners feelings is always so so important.
So many people on here are quick to dismiss your partners feeling, but realistically how is that going to help your situation if your basically being advised to ignore how he feel's because he's 'wrong'.

Healthy partnership's don't work like that, communication and compassion are so vital

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 11/08/2022 09:43

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/08/2022 09:34

*Because there’s no need to when it upsets the baby

a baby does bed to learn to not have their needs met, or to modify their needs to please adults*

My point was if he's never done bedtime, of course the baby finds it hard. I don't think it's a bad thing to let a baby settle with both parents. If the mother always puts the child to bed, it's not a surprise he won't settle with dad.

Key being "let" the baby settle. They usually settle with mum who has the milk, with milk being fed while they settle. that's letting them.

Now expecting them to settle another way when it upsets them, that's not letting anything, that's trying to modify their needs, which you can't to. There is simply no need. A baby isn't there to please us or meet our needs, but the opposite.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 11/08/2022 09:44

Breast feeding a baby for a year has benefits to both the mother and the baby

In the meantime the OP is pumping so the DH has plenty of opportunity to feed the baby but sounds like he isn't being particularly proactive in doing so

So if the OP stops breastfeeding, and therefore doesn't get the full benefit to herself and the baby that she would if she wanted to continue, who's to say the DH would suddenly start doing half the feeds anyway?

Carrotzen · 11/08/2022 09:44

Yes being an absolute knob, resenting his wife for breastfeeding their child?!

There's many other ways to care for his child. Feeding is just one small part of caring for a baby. Plus, the baby now takes bottles amd eats so he has in fact fed his baby and will have another 18 years of feeding his child, so he shouldn't worry. And it'll be great for you him doing all the cooking and packed lunches for his child and he's so keen to feed them.

It's weird. Does he want to breastfeed? He has fed his child and had opportunity to care for his child so its nothing to do with that