DH told me he feels he’s missed out

[JimRoyle]

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

I wonder why he hasnt put any more effort to do things with the baby to bond. Of course the baby is breastfed by the mother and is -in general- closer to the mother in the first months or even years of their life, as thats biology.
Please dont even entertain the idea of stopping breastfeeding just because of your husband.
I very much hope he is not blaming you for this as that would be absolutely ridiculous. Feeling sad that he is not as close to the baby and the baby screams with him is ok, blaming that onto you is not. Some babies cant go to sleep without breast and he needs to accept that he simply isnt a mother with breasts.
He need to put in more effort in areas where the baby is comfortable with him. He needs to go with the baby's needs, not to put his above the baby's.

He might benefit from some counselling/thereapy if he feels strongly about this. There might have been issues when he was a baby and it may effect him today.

🤣👏🏼👏🏼

@Mariposista Yes because I’m sure most breastfeeding mothers choose to do so for purely selfish reasons 🙄🙄

So your DH is living the life most men with a baby want to live (and often do) and not doing anything for the baby and he’s complaining? Certainly makes a change from the usual husband doesn’t do anything for the baby posts I’ll give him that.

Personally this is why I don’t trust men who are desperate to do as much childcare as mothers, there’s something off about it that makes me wonder if they’re going to be petty and weird.

Just a reminder to report anything that you think crosses a line rather than letting things get heated here - if we have to delete many more personal attacks we will end up having to remove the whole thread. Ta

Personally this is why I don’t trust men who are desperate to do as much childcare as mothers, there’s something off about it that makes me wonder if they’re going to be petty and weird.

Blimey.

Jesus wept

The 40's called, they want their attitude back

Pathetic. Really

The baby is only 10 months old. So his whole life has barely begun

Breastfeeding is unfortunately something only the woman can do but he can compensate by bathing, feeding, cooking, playing, changing nappy, settling baby to sleep

Babies change all the time. Soon breastfeeding will be a distant memory

this is why I don’t trust men who are desperate to do as much childcare as mothers

Well, this rather depends. Does he do it by upping his input or downplaying/reducing the woman's? The guy who does more baths, bedtimes, nappies and night wakings is not comparable to the guy who claims pregnancy is about him or discourages breastfeeding for his own interests.

As men can now apparently become women all he needs to do is identify as one then "chestfeed" away!

In this current climate it makes perfect sense for a man to feel he has missed out on an essential part of parenthood because he didn't get to feed his child from the milk he made himself.

On a side note, few things make me cringe like hearing people announce "we're pregnant!"

@lucylooareyou pregnancy and birth isn't about men. I can't believe the mental gymnastics you must go through.

"You and your wife are pregnant?"

@Giraffesandbottoms A few of my friends have now had children, in which the father's have expressed labour and birth to be very traumatic. Watching the person you love in so much pain, rapidly happening decisions, the complete lack of control you have over any part of the situation involving the women you love and your new born child must be absolutely awful.

Men need to learn that they cant controll and fix everything in the world and especially not womens' stuff, birth above all.

I bf mine but my dh still was able to put them to bed ?

I bet he didn't mind getting all those full nights of sleep whilst you were up in the night feeding the baby though did he now?

There were plenty of other opportunities for him to do stuff with the baby like bathing,dressing,changing nappies,winding,playing etc

When he says he "missed out" on feeding him/her I take it he meant feeding him/her at times convient to him.

It's easy for him to say it after the fact to try to score brownie points "oh I wanted to him with feeding in those 6 months but couldn't as baby was EB".

Babies are different?

It’s odd how so many mothers say they find BF gives them a wonderful bond with their baby, yet can’t see why a Dad could possibly think he’s missing out on something.

I’m going to give a slightly different perspective.

Both my DC were EBF until at least six months. DC1 took a bottle of expressed milk no problem from early on. Not a regular thing, but so that I could go to the gym for an hour from a couple of months old, have an evening out with friends from a bit later, etc. This meant OH got to do the occasional feed and also put DC1 down for naps and bedtime. Did they settle as well for OH? No, but they managed. DC1 was on bottles/ formula by 8 months and thing were pretty even from then.

Wind it on to DC2. Bottle refuser. Toddler to also look after, pandemic. Meant that OH never got to feed DC2 and it was at least 18 months until they attempted to put them to bed (he was putting DC1 to bed though, not avoiding bedtimes!). This was no one’s fault, it’s just how things panned out for us.

We would both say that it took OH a lot longer to bond with DC2 than DC1. I think this is a combination of the feeding situation (I BF until about 18 months) but also not doing bedtimes and generally me just spending too much time with DC2. And DC2 is still a super clingy Mummies child.

OP the feeding is what the feeding is, and I certainly wouldn’t change that for you partners sake. But I would try to ensure they start to spend more time one on one. You need to let him do more bedtimes. The more time they spend one on one the more comfortable DC will become with them.

This

BF is the natural way of feeding. Tell him to take it up with Mother Nature

I worded this wrongly. He’s letting me lead the way in terms of decisions around feeding etc. He doesn’t want to step on my toes and push it when I’m not ready but I think it’s mean that we’ve just fallen into certain roles if you see what I mean.

Well, if he wants to bond with his child, he knows what to do. Why's he waiting for you to instigate it?

Lovely to hear these words as I wholeheartedly agree but it’s taken me a while to feel confident in this choice ❤️

@Mariposista what a stupid thing to do. My ex was an arsehole but even he prioritised our babies needs over some fragile male ego.

let me just give my baby some processed milk from another species that is the same over the Taylor made breast milk especially produced for my baby that varies from having the thirst quenching aspect to the heavier aspect, that changes according to their growth and development, that I can make better by eating good nutritious food so that my husband can feel a bit better about himself. Jeez

And op, I breastfed mine to sleep and it was great. Meant that they were relaxed and happy and slept well.

I don't think OP's husband is asking her to stop bf, nowhere has OP said that is what her partner is asking her do. He is just expressing some feelings. He seems to based on OP's info step up in every other way. He has right to how he feels and in a loving and supportive relationship you should be able to express your feelings to each other even if there is nothing that can be done to just say it out allowed and talk about it can be enough. Better than bottling it up, hiding it inside and letting it eat you up.

It’s odd how so many mothers say they find BF gives them a wonderful bond with their baby, yet can’t see why a Dad could possibly think he’s missing out on something.

i have a wonderful bond with my toddler. I breastfed him (still do).

Did the breastfeeding help to establish that bond? Of course it did.

was it the sole determinant of bonding with him? No. Not in the least.

was it the only way to come with him? No. It certainly was not.

would it have been possible to build an equally close bond without breastfeeding? Yes. Obviously.

Would it be possible to build a bond without feeding him at all? So long as he is being fed… then obviously.

How can someone feel they are "missing out" on something they can't biologically do?