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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH told me he feels he’s missed out

251 replies

JimRoyle · 11/08/2022 09:19

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

OP posts:
NewYorkLassie · 11/08/2022 18:31

ChrisTrepidation · 11/08/2022 15:14

@PastaCheese Yes I would think less of him. I would expect my husband to be nothing less than 100% supportive of my breastfeeding journey. Therefore him moaning about feeling 'left out' and therefore making me feel guilty would damage my opinion of him.

Not all feelings need to be voiced. Especially when it's about such a sensitive subject. Women who breastfeed get so much shit thrown at them already without adding a complaining partner into the mix.

YABU for calling it a breastfeeding journey. Comments like that are the reason half the population thinks BF mothers are sanctimonious twats.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/08/2022 18:33

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 18:03

@C8H10N4O2

Where does the OP state he isn't supportive of her

And secondly who is guilt tripping anyone

He is telling his wife how he feels

What most in normal, healthy, relationships do

So the OP should be free to tell him that she feels upset and demoralised that after all she has done he is put out that he doesn't breast feed the baby?

In normal healthy relationships a man feeling that might say "gosh it must be lovely" but be adult enough to acknowledge its a bloody ridiculous thing to feel, keep their thoughts to the inner voice and get involved and bond in the myriad other ways a father can bond with his child. Not whine about it and upset the person for whom it isn't always nice and who is taking the toll on their body.

houseonthehill · 11/08/2022 18:42

Did he "whine"?

Crazycrazylady · 11/08/2022 18:46

I don't think he should have said it while you were still bf but my husband told me after o stopped that he was secretly glad as he loved being able to be more hands on.

Having said that I was wracked with guilt and he may have been trying to make me feel better but I know he did love being super hands on .

GG1986 · 11/08/2022 18:52

He needs to get over it!! It isn't about him, it's about baby and there are so many other ways to bond with the baby than giving it a bottle ffs!

Clymene · 11/08/2022 19:11

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 18:03

@C8H10N4O2

Where does the OP state he isn't supportive of her

And secondly who is guilt tripping anyone

He is telling his wife how he feels

What most in normal, healthy, relationships do

And what's she supposed to do with that information?

Flittingaboutagain · 11/08/2022 19:15

There were loads of ways he could have bonded with the baby. My ebf baby is still feeding at one with no plans to stop and my husband has been able to parent alone in small doses (haven't given bottles) since baby was about 5 months and could go two hours between feeds. He can now take baby out for six hours without her wanting the boob. My guess is he did absolutely no reading up on how to bond/settle a baby, support you as the feeder and expected it to just happen.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:15

@Clymene

Again

Listen, be supportive

What most in healthy, loving relationships do

Clymene · 11/08/2022 19:15

Also this: I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc.

makes it abundantly clear that the OP has bent over backwards to involve him but he's just a jealous whiny arse.

Snowpaw · 11/08/2022 19:23

He can be head chef when the child needs three solid meals cooking for them a day - see how he likes that job.

stuntbubbles · 11/08/2022 19:31

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:15

@Clymene

Again

Listen, be supportive

What most in healthy, loving relationships do

So in addition to establishing breastfeeding – which is hard! – having her body change, be responsible for keeping the baby alive, night feeds, leaky tits, blocked ducts, mastitis, bites, etc etc, she also has to be her husband’s emotional support animal for his non-problem? Fuck that noise.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:40

@stuntbubbles

It's not a non issue

If it's impacting him he is right to speak about it, I could imagine the reactions on here if the OP was moaning about something she has no control of and her DH told her it was a non issue and got annoyed at her venting

ThePomegranateClause · 11/08/2022 19:41

I'm fiercely bonded with my grandchild. I've never breastfed her, I don't live with her, I don't see her every week because she lives 120 miles away, but I would lay down my life for her. How 'bonded' does he expect to be? Sounds like self serving drivel to me, but I'm old and don't do navel gazing.

Fixyourself · 11/08/2022 19:45

What a ridiculous statement, he is shifting the blame completely.
I bf all my children and dad was always very hands on with everything else- burping, nappy changes, bath and carried them in a sling.
You do not need to feed a baby to bond with it.

I have friends who have been pressured into bottle feeding from there oh’s so they can ‘bond’ with the baby. But then don’t end up helping with night feeds, washing bottles etc.

whittingtonmum · 11/08/2022 19:59

Looks like DH is keen to catch up. He can take over weaning and cooking meals for the child for the next 17 odd years. There's well over a decade left to feed his child. No need to worry.

Somethingsnappy · 11/08/2022 20:01

NewYorkLassie · 11/08/2022 18:31

YABU for calling it a breastfeeding journey. Comments like that are the reason half the population thinks BF mothers are sanctimonious twats.

Show quote history

Half the population think that about breastfeeding mothers, do they? Wow. And people wonder why BF mothers don't feel supported...

Clymene · 11/08/2022 20:02

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:40

@stuntbubbles

It's not a non issue

If it's impacting him he is right to speak about it, I could imagine the reactions on here if the OP was moaning about something she has no control of and her DH told her it was a non issue and got annoyed at her venting

He's not venting. She's done everything possible to help and he doesn't want to do it. He's just having a spiteful dig.

It's like you whining to your husband that your sad you miss out in the male bonding experience of him teaching your son how to shave. It would be utterly pathetic. And actually, that would be being a bad wife.

Not everything is about you. Or him in this case.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 20:10

@Clymene

You sound like such a hoot to be married to

Thankfully in most loving relationships people discuss what's upsetting them, even if it's 'pathetic'

Minecraftatemychild · 11/08/2022 20:59

GCAcademic · 11/08/2022 09:22

He's being ridiculous. Feeding is about the baby, it's for the baby, and as you were able to breastfeed that was the best option for the baby. He is making it all about him.

This.

Clymene · 11/08/2022 20:59

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 20:10

@Clymene

You sound like such a hoot to be married to

Thankfully in most loving relationships people discuss what's upsetting them, even if it's 'pathetic'

I just don't take any shit. You should try it!

Dreamstate · 12/08/2022 08:34

And if she said that to her OH what do you expect her OH to do with that information either then. Except you would say she has a right to express her feelings about her body changes and its impact on her and her husband should listen and be supportive right...

I mean as a woman its just one of those things to accept that our body will go through changes, it is what it is and whilst nothing can be done in some cases being able to express how im feeling to my partner even if nothing can be just like a typical vent.

OP has made it quite clear her OH steps up in everything else, the bottle feeding she said the baby didn't take to it and its taken along time to finally get a point where the baby is now starting to take the bottle - not much OH can do if the baby won't take a bottle is there.

cansu · 12/08/2022 08:43

Dud he feel left out in the early days when you did nothing else but feed the baby??

Original poster
JimRoyle · 12/08/2022 13:42

cansu · 12/08/2022 08:43

Dud he feel left out in the early days when you did nothing else but feed the baby??

Yes he did actually. Neither of us were prepared for how much I’d be feeding (baby clusterfed but I think due to his undiagnosed allergies he was comfort feeding on top of cluster feeding so it was non stop for sometimes 5/6 hours each evening) and how little input DH could actually really have. He did absolutely everything around the house & I don’t know how I’d have survived without him but we were both shocked at how much baby just needed me in those early days. Things are much, much easier now! And DH has said since that he doesn’t think he’d struggle as much with that phase if we had another baby because he knows that time passes and how much more there is to come. To be honest, I don’t think there’s enough support for dads in the early days.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 12/08/2022 16:44

Did he look for any support? Download dadpad or contact the local starting well partnership to see what was on offer for dads?

Valeriekat · 13/08/2022 02:09

So basically he resents you for being a woman!

Is there nothing men don't want to take away from us?