DH told me he feels he’s missed out

[JimRoyle]

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

Sorry I think that’s utterly bonkers! It’s a journey you go on together but it’s only one person that carries the baby and one person who pushes the baby out. Only one of you can breastfeed etc.

At the risk of sounding like I’m making this a pissing contest,your husband needs a shake!! Sounds like he’s really involved with every other aspect of parenting, and wfh means he’s consistently spending time with your baby. I wish my husband was able to spend that much time with our son, and I know he feels the same, but he’s out of the house before baby wakes up and back long after baby’s asleep and that’s the case for probably 13 days in 14, if not more (yay agriculture!) but he’s never questioned their bond.
I don’t think this is really to do with feeding at all, something else is going on, your husband sounds like he’s just scratching around for something to latch onto to excuse himself for seemingly not wanting to take baby on his own. There is, after all, no reason he couldn’t, given you’ve managed to build a freezer stash. Easier to blame anything other than himself!

I agree with you but people on MN usually
shout this down and apparently mothers and fathers are exactly the same etc.

i also think sudocrem belongs on everything btw - great name

I never really get how dad's feel left out because their wife has breastfeed. Formula milk wasn't always the 'norm' it is now - in fact it's relatively new in the timeline of human existence. How do all these dad's think their ancestors bonded with their babies??

Following your instincts is the best advice, definitely. Anyway, I firmly believe babies need to learn to co-settle before they can learn to self-settle. I've fed all four of mine to sleep for as long as they needed it. Two were sleeping through at 7 months, the other two about 2 years. Either was fine by me!

Besides, nature intends for babies to fall asleep at the breast.

An equal pregnancy 🤣🤣🤣

You thought you had one baby, but actually you have two.

Totally this.

he needs to give his head a gentle wobble and get over himself a bit IMO

Bloody hell to the poster who decided not to BF to appease her OH. I swear I think I’ve read it all on here then another thread starts and nope, it’s another post that blows my mind.

my thoughts were ‘what is the best nourishment for my child and can I provide it?’ I decided on breast feeding seeing that mammals have feed their young from their teats since mammals existed. I then persisted even when it was ticking agony and felt pretty pleased with myself when after a year or two I stopped and I’d succeeded in nourishing my child. At no point did DP bitch about his needs. He supported the process and has a fantastic bond with both children now they’re in primary.

It might be a good time to stop feeding to sleep - DH would get some nice bonding time, you'd get some more freedom, DC would benefit from strengthening their relationship with their dad. It will take some adjusting but if you let DH put DC to bed every night they will soon adapt.

We are all entitled to our opinion of course so that is fair enough.
Many, many, MANY men/fathers get absolutely rinsed on MN for being useless partners etc, but I just dont understand how is a father suppose to step up and feel an equal parent if they are being instilled from the get go that one person takes priority over the other?
A few of my friends have now had children, in which the father's have expressed labour and birth to be very traumatic. Watching the person you love in so much pain, rapidly happening decisions, the complete lack of control you have over any part of the situation involving the women you love and your new born child must be absolutely awful.
Yes, the mother also goes through this, along with the actual birth process but it doesn't mean someone else's emotions/feelings should be shut down because it was worse for yourself.

I just think if you want father's to be equal parents, you treat them like equal parents from the start and set a precendent for their involvement in their childs life.

Neither of you are BU.

I can completely understand why he’d feel this way but also it’s not your problem as baby’s do tend to be closer to the BF mother as all they care about is milk at that age.

It’s great he has communicated this to you as I think many parents feel resentment towards their partner either because they’re closer to the baby or because they get to have more free time.

I would just say that it won’t be this way forever and soon he will be just as close, if not more and they’ll have their own bond in a different way.

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable

He has shared his feelings and not blamed you from what you've said

Pregnancy and the first year of a babies life can be very tough for fathers in the sense that they don't get that infant bond, yet are expected to on a societal level and even expect themselves to bond too. Then feeding is taken out of their hands somewhat, and babies do bond with who gives them food, it's silly for PP to claim him not being involved in feeding means nothing to him bonding.

The OP has decided a path where her DH will be excluded, for example feeding to sleep. He cannot be part of that experience.

For the PP saying he is a baby or needs to give his head a wobble you sound like utterly miserable human beings.

I just dont understand how is a father suppose to step up and feel an equal parent if they are being instilled from the get go that one person takes priority over the other?

The person who takes precedence here is the baby. Of course the baby has to take precedence, this about their actual physical needs and health benefits versus parents’ feelings.

He needs to get the fuck over himself and stop making him all about him. What a pathetic manchild.

So who gets to decide what’s OK for someone else to feel?

Your husband's feelings are valid but they are his feelings and you are not responsible for them. You have done nothing wrong and everything right.

Where the roles reversed, you may feel like he does but you make pragmatic decisions based upon the needs of the child.

Parenting is a marathon not a sprint. My kids favoured my partner when they were toddlers but me now they are older, I suspect it will even out again as they develop and begin to see us more as individuals rather than a parental unit...

He sounds a lovely dad and it is great he cares and articulates how he feels about parenting. However, his jealousy is not your problem.

@lucylooareyou I hope you've written it into your birth plan that under no circumstances are you to take priority over your husband and that they should also check on his feelings. How are you anticipating an equal birth out of interest? Will you be having an epidural at the outset so that neither of you are in pain, or will you get somebody to repeatedly punch him in the groin?

I just dont understand how is a father suppose to step up and feel an equal parent if they are being instilled from the get go that one person takes priority over the other?

The person that is taking priority here is the baby. Breastfeeding benefits the baby. Dads are taking equal responsibility in stepping up if they centre the babies needs.

In this case the OP is on a very restrictive diet in order to facilitate their babies needs. She is pumping in order to allow the DH to feed the baby, and the DH is not doing that unless the OP urges him to.

Doing equal parenting doesn't necessarily mean doing the same things. This is the case as the child gets older. The parents might do equal pick ups and drop offs, and days off when the child is sick etc.

But its also okay if the child is obsessed with tennis and one of the parents was a tennis coach and the other has terrible hand to eye co-ordination, if the tennis coach is the one that teaches the child tennis. That's okay.

And if one of the parents has the physical needs to feed their baby in the best way possible and the other uses that time to wash the babies clothes or tidy their toys away, or bring their partner a cup of tea that can also be equal parenting.

It doesn't hit guys the same though.

My DP took shared parental leave and so have a few male friends, acquaintances and colleagues of mine. Only one of my male friends suffered and his ex-employer used it as the incident to sack someone.

He's being ridiculous and irrational and tbh it sounds as if you are pandering to his viewpoint. You are both over thinking this

He does not have breasts to feed your DS - he cannot control this.

Sounds like he is involved in other ways - great. I really don't see a problem other than the one he's creating.

both parents don’t have to do exactly the same things in order to be equally taking responsibility for their child (and life generally). They both have to be taking responsibility and working together - but that is best done by working to each other’s strengths.

I am, much better at reading to DS than his father is. Tbh, his father is pretty crap at it. DS is 2. He knows which parent is going to read him a story the way he wants it, so he comes to me. He knows his father is better (and more enthusiastic) about playing football than me. If he wants demonstrations of ball handling skills (and he generally does), he goes to his dad.

This is all fine. If a bit stereotypically gendered (I do swimming and bike riding with more enthusiasm than kicking balls around). Where it falls down (and does for us) is that his father gets all jealous and throws a strop if he’s not the centre of attention. He gets annoyed that DS wants me to read to him, and makes out that he’s being excluded and prevented from ‘bonding’. He’s not. And he’s not even looking for that. He just wants everything to centre round him.

He doesn’t throw strops about how he’s being excluded from the shit or boring stuff - obviously.

I'm sure your lack of understanding and emptahy for others speak's volumes.

Clearly, during the birth process the mother's needs are a priority. But it does not mean that everyone else's feelings should be completely minimised and leave others to feel unvalued and unimportant. However, i do feel your missing the point entirely as a bigger picture.

If i want a supportive partner, i need to be a supportive partner. However you choice to live your life/manage your relationships is 100% your call.
I chose to value my partner's emotions, feelings and make him feel valued - and in turn he shows me the same love, understanding and compassion back.

Tbf I know. I just get fed up of hearing about men complaining about 'equal' parenting when it never seems to occur to them to take shared parental leave

But yes it doesn't have the same impact. Which actually should be an even greater driver towards it, but somehow its not.

OP, I think it's really hard to be or feel like the less preferred parent. For various reasons DC2 has spent more time with just me than DC1 and so is a bit clingier and less willing to be put to be by DP. We've had a lot of conversations about how horrible it is and how bad it makes DP feel. I suspect your DH is feeling that and looking for a reason. It will get better if you persist, but it's really important that he tries not to take it to heart too much. Babies don't like change.