DH told me he feels he’s missed out

[JimRoyle]

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

This, he needs to get a grip. DH left feeding choices completely to me, never encouraged me in one way or another, just supported what I wanted. That’s how it should be.

Babies bond with people who care for them. The formula companies have done an excellent job in pretending that feeding the child is the single most important aspect of that.

IME, men who whinge about how they’re being excluded by breastfeeding aren’t always that keen to do the bits they see as less sexy. Funny that. 🙄

Oh FFS...that's absurd. He's a whole lifetime of helping with meal times ahead of him. It's weird jealousy and he needs to stop this. Tell him he can be in charge of breakfast and dinner for the rest of time. He'll enjoy bonding over a toddler throwing spaghetti hoops on the floor.

Can I also add my husband has always followed my lead on what we want to do with breastfeeding, and this is the first time he’s ever said anything like this! But I did suspect in the early days, he struggled with feeling like he didn’t have a role (as I’m sure lots of dads do when baby is either cluster feeding or sleeping and there’s not that much the dad can really do). I always wondered if he wished he could do some feeds. Part of it is that he says he struggles seeing me struggle too and that he can’t muck in and give me a break. That bit must be tough?

Haven’t thought he felt like it for ages and ages though, that was back in September!

I just feel rubbish today!

Oh look - we can freely choose how to parent and how to feed… as long as it’s breastfeeding til they start school and never taking into account parents’ needs.

He sounds like a fab partner and dad - he's probably just realised that although he can do all of those things that great dads do there's still things he just can't do for the baby, that you can.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him being upset - like you said, it's only been 4 months he has been able to take the baby out and do things alone, and with bottle refusal etc he probably does feel like he couldn't do as much as you could with the feeding. He's involved in weaning now so hopefully he will get that bonding feeling he's been missing from that!

You shouldn't feel bad at all for breastfeeding either, it's natural and such a good start in life for your DC - I'm sure your DH will realise his feelings are perhaps slightly misplaced on the missing out part as your DC continues to grow and eat all of the exciting new things that your DH can be involved in 😊

If the dad’s “needs” mean the child isn’t getting the best available start to them then of course the dad’s needs lose compared with the child’s. Let’s not be silly.

You say your Dh needs pushing to do things with the baby? I don’t call that being a great parent. Where is his initiative? Can he not think for himself? This just makes me think that you’re going to be dealing with the mental load, so you’ll be organising appointments and anything outside of the house eg school.

How can he be resentful of you breastfeeding?! That’s absolutely ridiculous.

I like this, thank you x

This is where the narrative that breastfeeding is essential for bonding gets you. The insinuation being that if you don't breastfeed your bond isn't as strong. Which is of course bollocks, but plenty of ff mothers end up feeling the same as your dh does.

He needs to spend plenty of time 1-1 with the child and do plenty of bedtimes now the baby is getting older he won't need feeding to sleep soon so he can put him to bed.

In terms of bedtime why can't he do bath and story and then you come in for the last bit?

OP - you are doing amazingly well, BF with allergies must be hard going and expressing and persevering with a bottle too takes up a lot of time. Do you think someone has said something to your DH to make him feel this way? Quite odd that is only coming up now when your DS is 10 months? People can be very odd about breastfeeding - evident from this thread and a few others over the last few days. I think you can reassure him that with everything he has done, he has an amazing bond with your child and that will continue as he gets older, however you are proud of your breastfeeding journey and that you'd appreciate his support to continue that.

What exactly was his point? That he wanted to be able to breast feed too and because he cant it's so unfair. He's being ridiculous. There are plenty of bonding opportunities if he chose to take them.

He is a selfish unsupportive twat, it has to be all about him, not a breastfeeding mum and baby.

Some older relatives, a couple of friends (inadvertently - just said I might have to stop doing that if I want him to sleep through), everything I ever read about sleep (I stopped reading about sleep a while ago!!!)

I’ve also met some wonderful mums who told me not to listen to the noise and just follow my instincts which has been the best advice ever ❤️

He sounds like a total wet wipe. Also 'weaning journey'. 🙄

This is exactly what we do 😊 our baby can be in the whingiest mood ever and as soon as he’s in the bath with his daddy he’s happy.

Maybe my DH has just had a confidence knock. I need to try and build him up again I think, by reminding him of how brilliant his bond with baby is without feeding.

I FF my first and my husband did half the work: feeding, preparing bottles, night shifts etc. When I ebf our second, he was secretly delighted that the feeding and bedtime stuff was all on me :-) with our third he could not have been more supportive of me breastfeeding and went above and beyond to help facilitate it. That is partially because he knew the feeding would all be on me (I'm guessing as he has never admitted this!). Husband has a great bond with all the kids and got more hands on as the children got older.

Why not hand your dh the baby 'to bond' and you go and have a nice long bath or a nap. Breastfeeding can be such a ball and chain that any chance of reprieve should be sought out. Also breastfeeding mothers don't spend all of their time cooing into their baby's eyes: there is a lot of stuff involved that's not so cute.

Baby care is monotonous and sometimes gross. Cutting nails, cleaning out gunk from their ears, remembering Vitamin D drops, washing dried weetabix from their hair etc etc and that's not mentioning nappies and baths.

I bet if you handed over sole care of feeding, your husband would get sick of washing/sterilising bottles, defrosting milk, packing all the feeding accoutrements to go out for the day and all of the other menial, laborious jobs which are involved in feeding a baby.

Continue as you are for now, and assure your husband that he too will one day be able to take on his fair share of interrupted sleep and exhaustion. At the very least, encourage him to take on more of an active role where he can. If he struggles to do the easy stuff, he will not enjoy doing half the feeding anyway.

Having read the full thread I think your partner sounds like a brilliant dad. The thing that you touched on about the 2 weeks paternity leave as opposed to a Mum’s full year off does really play a part. Your partner wants to be an equal parent, but he has to work and he can’t feed the baby. My partner really found it hard to see me struggle through cluster feeding, night feeds, mastitis etc. He wasn’t resentful that I got to feed the baby, he just wished he could do more and I get the feeling that’s where your DH is coming from. When he says he feels he’s missed out maybe that comes from a consolidation of all of those feelings, wanting to have had more time of work, wanting to help you, wanting and not being able to settle baby to sleep.
Has your DH tried a sling or baby carrier? Our little one loved his and when the time came that we wanted baby to settle for Dad I would breastfeed and then Dad would pop him in the carrier and rock him and he’d go to sleep peacefully like that. Often Dad’s have to figure out a way that both them and baby enjoy, it’s not as easy for them as it is us breastfeeding mama’s that can just whip out the boob to solve anything!

Is he not feeding baby with the milk you've expressed?

Point out it's 6 months out of a whole lifetime. By the time he's cooked 100 fish fingers and chips meals, he will forget the silliness. Point out you did the best thing with breastfeeding for yourself and child.

It's interesting that he feels like that. Don't be too hard on him for it.

When DS was a baby, he was ff, which meant that I could do all the night waking and night feeds. I have very strong and fond memories of it, and think it fed into other forms of confidence and closeness with my son.

Also meant his Mum got 8 hours a night throughout, which helped as she was bad-tempered and unpleasant otherwise.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here

Does he always act like a spoiled child when he can't have exactly what he wants?

Is he equally unhappy that he didn't get to bond with the baby whilst being sick due to pregnancy, in pain due to sciatica, unable to sleep, paying the maternity tarrif at work or shitting a melon out from inside and having stitches?

I need to try and build him up again I think, by reminding him of how brilliant his bond is

This is what you do with elder siblings when a new baby comes along. A full grown adult and parent should not be behaving like a left out sibling.

It’s not unusual for dads to feel a little pushed out when the baby is young.

However, Petronas has it spot on, and move forward.

Why is he telling you this and what does he expect you to do about it? Breastfeeding is the singular thing a father can't do. If he feels he hasn't bonded with the baby then maybe he needs to be more proactive in looking after him in other ways. It's not all snuggles.