DH told me he feels he’s missed out

[JimRoyle]

Trying not to be too outing.

TLDR - DH feels he’s missed out on bonding with our baby because he’s exclusively breastfed.

I am exclusively breastfeeding our 10mo baby. He’s on 3 meals a day now too and my husband has been involved in the weaning journey loads because he wfh.

Our baby refused a bottle when he was younger & it took until he was nearly 6m for my DH to manage taking him out without me. He now takes a bottle fine. We’ve had various challenges - he’s got allergies, bottle refusal etc etc. I’ve never left him at bedtime, DH has only put him down once. Last night he tried again and baby refused the bottle and screamed for me.

My husband was understandably upset (as was i, I can’t wait to have some freedom back on an evening). All very normal I’m sure and it’s the start of a process, sure we will get there.

However he told me last night that he feels he has missed out hugely because our baby has been breastfed and he hasn’t fed him much over his whole life. He wasn’t blaming me but I can’t help feeling upset at his mindset here. To me, breastfeeding is my job & it’s not something to be envious of. I’ve pumped every day for the last god knows how long so that we have a freezer stash and DH can take baby whenever but he doesn’t often choose to do so. It’s always me driving the idea of him taking baby out, doing bedtimes etc. I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me which is very good of him… but to then say he feels he’s missed out? When he never pushed it anyway? He said he feels like he’s missed out esp when he knows other dads feed their baby and other dads put their babies to bed. I said we’ve got all that to come for sure. And we are taking steps to get there now.

I don’t know; I just feel a bit sad at the idea that maybe for our baby’s whole life he’s had these resentful feelings (I’ve def felt like he’s resented me feeding before but thought we were past this now that he’s bonded with our baby in so many other ways.)

Im fully expecting this to divide opinion but just wondering aibu to feel upset at this comment? It has made me feel guilty but also frustrated as I don’t feel I have done anything wrong.

I understand why he feel this way but I don’t think its a ff/bf thing. I had one bf and ff baby and DH had a closer bond with the bf one at a younger age as due to covid he was around all the time. Having said that I’m still their primary carer and the first person they want when they are upset if we are both available.

Do millennial men seriously expect to have the same immediate bond to a baby his partner gave birth from her body and fed from the same? Fucking ridiculous. His job is to provide a safe environment, support his partner and the baby and to step up for the rest of the child's life.

Tough shit!

I've only read OP's posts.

Breastfeeding is literally the only thing that only the mother can do.
I would have been really hacked off if my then DH made it all about him.

Yeah this is what we did. Feed and then lots of lovely cuddles with dad so he feels very involved.

It’s not a “narrative” - your body releases oxytocin when you breastfeed, also known as the cuddle hormone. Your body does not do this if you are formula feeding. It’s a chemical reaction and it’s powerful. There’s a reason cosleeping is safer if you’re breastfeeding - you are more aware of your baby physically.

but it’s moot for fathers anyway as mothers not breastfeeding doesn’t mean they can breastfeed and experience this too. If mothers don’t want to breastfeed that’s their business but people shouldn’t lie and deny the chemistry behind it.

Me and my partner are currently 34 weeks pregnant - also to the person who posted this, your partner is pregnant. You aren’t. Or are you also?

I'm not sure why you feel so bad about this, you have no need. He's got some feelings about you breastfeeding your child, and it's not up to you to fix them.

Presuming they're not rooted in jealousy, or him feeling he's had his nose pushed out, I find it a bit odd that he feels like he has "missed out", what were his expectations of his input into breastfeeding?

His role is one of support and holding things down so that you can do what you need to do, as you're the only one that can do it.

Gradually as your baby gets older things will even up and there may come a point where Dad is much more exciting to hang out with than you. It's really normal. It's just the dynamics of childhood. You don't need to feel any way about this at all. Keep on doing what feels right for your baby, you sound like you're doing an amazing job.

You are making it out like the feelings are valid when actually it is really ridiculous. When you are breastfeeding if he felt like a spare part that was his time to get it together by making sure you had water and were well fed. He could have been the one to do the laundry, pick out baby's clothes and dress baby everyday, do the cooking or cleaning. If you were pumping he could have sterilised the pump and kept track of the feeds.

In terms of him settling the baby sometimes you need to back off and leave them to it. My ds used to cry a lot when his dad tried to put him to bed but dh persevered and I completely left them to it. It would have been all too easy for me to jump I'm and God did I want to when he would get very upset but dh always got there in the end. I didn't want to undermine him and also I realised that he needed to find his own way of putting baby to sleep and he did. If you go in as soon as baby starts to cry and get upset it will amplify his feelings of being useless.

Regarding bedtimes.

I breastfed both my girls for just over a year each.

Eldest is now 3. Dad couldn't ever successfully put her to bed till after I'd stopped breastfeeding. She just wouldn't have it.

Youngest is 18 months. Dad was more involved in putting her to bed from an earlier age. And he's often quicker at getting her down than I am.

It's all about consistency. If he wants to be included. He needs to put in the man hours. Be there at every bedtime. Gradually phase to him doing it alone. Baby will accept this. It worked with our second because it had to. My eldest wanted me sometimes. So we made sure it worked.

I am 11 months in to EBF and I think it's very accurate that is takes some of the bond away from the dad, especially in the early stages (when he was newborn my baby always seemed to get hungry when his dad held him and had to come straight back to me).

BUT you are doing the ultimate best for the baby and it's not selfish in the slightest. I feed my baby to sleep which I'm sure most BF mums do so bed time is all down to me but it works so well for baby and his dad gets to chill out after a day of work.

Everyone's right there are other things a dad can you do bond and it's great you're up to the point that he can take him out. However from my experience it is habit for you to do the main baby stuff and you both need to push to get him to take him out more.

From what I have experienced with my DH and from my friend's dads it often takes longer for guys to bond and it may also be that it seems to be because of BF more than it is too.

Basically don't worry because he'll get there and your choice of feeding is setting your baby's immunity up for life so do not feel bad about it

You said he only had 2 weeks paternity leave. Why didn't he take any parental leave?

If he wants to do bedtime and bottles, he needs to put in the hard work of getting baby to accept him doing it. Just like you had to do the hard work of pumping etc.

You are doing an amazing job. Breastfeeding is such hard work.

Absolutely nothing wrong with feeding to sleep.

My eldest- fed to sleep for 13 months. And one night she didn't ask for boob. So I didn't give it and that's how we weaned.
By 15 months was going to sleep happily by herself with a drink.

Youngest. Fed to sleep every night till 9-10 months. Then this stopped getting her to sleep 50% of the time. Then we rocked her to sleep. Gradually transitioned to rubbing her back
In the cot. She's 18 months and happily goes to sleep, with one of us sitting in her room. No contact but isn't happy for us to leave her yet.

I don’t think he’s lazy, he’s just leaving it all to me

How is that not laziness?

which is very good of him

What?

My husband felt the same about breastfeeding and the amount of time I got with our children. That's why he did, and still does, most of the bath and bed routine.

Selfish man child is my immediate response.

Well done you for nourishing your baby adequately. Well done your baby for knowing where their nourishment is and boo, hiss to your husband for only thinking of himself and guilting you instead of congratulating you.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable or even particularly unusual for him to feel like this. But it is a bit unreasonable for him to tell you, when it’s not something you can do anything about and I suspect he will naturally get past it as the baby gets bigger.

For what it’s worth, you’ve done loads more than me to include him. I made a bit of an attempt at expressing to start with, but gave up. DP has given DS (now 8 months) one or two bottles of expressed milk. The rest has been me. I also feed to sleep (not on purpose, exactly, but he almost always falls into a milk coma sleep at the bedtime feed). I know that will need to change with time, but like you, that time has not yet come. I do look forward to evenings out in future but for now I do all bedtimes.

I suspect it has made him a bit sad at times but DP has never complained and is much better than me at eliciting cackling laughter.

What a dickhead.
Feeding is only one part of raising a baby. Hasn't DH done other things?
Men can't breastfeed.
JFC

OP are you planning on having another child?

Often fathers end up closer to one of the children, simply because if you have two parents it makes sense for one parent to do more of the care for one of the children.

I've noticed with my brothers and friends that it's the second child they tend to have a closer relationship as they know what to do and just do it consistently.

Regardless you have nothing to apologise for a child's needs change as they get older and so does their relationship with both parents.

Tell him he’s welcome to breastfeed instead of you.

oh wait, he can’t.

I’ve missed out on flying like a bird too. I think I’ll go whinge and make DH feel bad about it….

he thing that you touched on about the 2 weeks paternity leave as opposed to a Mum’s full year off does really play a part. Your partner wants to be an equal parent, but he has to work and he can’t feed the baby.

But that's one of the good things about shared parental leave

Mum doesn't have to take maternity leave, its a choice between that and parents taking shared parental leave

If he wants to be an equal parent he can take an equal hit to his career

His being very short sighted here. He does realise this baby is going to be in his life forever right ? Feeding is such a tiny part of the whole picture it will all be over very soon anyway. There are so many things to do over the next 18years and then some more !

Babies are rubbish before 18 months anyway. He'll strengthen his bond just fine if he carries on pulling his weight.

10 month old bonding tip: stick tongue out, blow, wait for giggle. Repeat.

Your poor husband, he must have felt terribly excluded during your pregnancy and labour.

Fathers will never be equal to mothers because you know, biology.

I BF DD for 2 years and that had no more effect on DH's bond than the fact I carried her. They've always been very close.

@Giraffesandbottoms I am pregnant, I said we are pregnant because its a journey you go on together. It's not 'my' baby, it's our baby.
Equal partnership and parenthood should start with an equal pregnancy, afterall i wouldn't be pregnant without his input.

Holy moly, I've just done a massive eye roll 😳.

As PP have said there are loads of ways to take care of a baby and bond. My DH never stood around helplessly when I was feeding our first, he was busy looking after both of us with cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping etc.

My now toddler is incredibly close to my parents, who never fed her as a baby. Go figure!

Thing is, fathers are not supposed to be the same as mothers. They’re not supposed to have the same ‘bond’. They’re supposed to have a father-child bond that is specific to them and their child.

Breastfeeding does not prevent that in any way.