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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disturbed that DD (4) received this through the door?

258 replies

Greenginghamdress · 10/08/2022 22:43

I got home tonight to find my partner with something to show me. He said " I didn't want to tell you this at work but two little girls put this through the letterbox for DD". (She is 4). It is a nice looking card with DDs name on, but with a nasty note inside, signed from a name of a little girl who lives round the corner.

We have a google doorbell and can see two girls dropped it through this afternoon. The 2 girls are from our estate, aged 8 and 4. The girls are good friends with each other but lately the younger one has been playing with DD. She even came to our house last week to play briefly! When they were playing I heard little girl say 'so you known DDs name I don't want to be friends anymore' . DD didn't seem bothered and later on they seemed fine.

The handwriting is good, I don't think the 4 year old has done this.

We haven't told or shown DD on anyone else.

What to do about it? I do not know the mums well. It seems very nasty and can't believe this sort if thing happens so young now!
Tell me if I over reacting. What would you do?

To feel disturbed that DD (4) received this through the door?
OP posts:
Sporty2022 · 10/08/2022 23:54

Definitely the innocent child in this is the other 4 year old being manipulated by the 8 year old. This behaviour is disturbing, and I’m surprised would even come from an 8 year old.
Could be worth reporting to the school when they go back to, just so they’re aware. I mean report the 8 year old to the school.

Gauge the parents reactions- hopefully they’ll sort it out. If the 4 year olds mum doesn’t seem bothered , I’d consider going to SS too as a welfare reason.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 10/08/2022 23:57

AlmostAJillSandwich · 10/08/2022 23:41

Are you saying an eight year old is basically looking after this 4 year old other girl with no parents around?!
I'd be calling ss never mind talking to their parent.

This

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 10/08/2022 23:58

Looks like an 8 year olds handwriting to me. I would be very concerned about the 8 year old and if I was you I’d let the 4 year olds parents know so they can intervene in this weird friendship.

LooneyToon · 10/08/2022 23:59

If they are the sort to let their 4 yr old out to play like that, I doubt they will be interested in this and will probably see you as a troublemaker, and that is how problems begin. Just leave it and dont let them play together

Cantgetoffthisbus · 10/08/2022 23:59

Also think that the 8 year old is jealous. Are the mums of the 2 girls good friends? That might explain why they're friends too. Glad you managed to keep the card from your dd. How horrible at such a young age.

tolerable · 11/08/2022 00:02

im 49. i recieved similar(more detailed)anon just before went s1. Maybe 3 yrs later, 1 of the 2 authors/senders confided(admitted)her involvement tho/as youd expect maybe-laid all blame on other girl.tbh at the time i got it/she told me this i didnt care.
this afternoon(raging fever n headache hell)i woke myself yelling at 2nd girl.
i didnt realise til then.effect.get that door knockt

TeapotTitties · 11/08/2022 00:02

What would you do?

The blindingly obvious

Speak to the parents.

Soproudoflionesses · 11/08/2022 00:02

Absolutely l would go and see both parents- 4 year old first then the 8 year old. I wouldn't be confrontational but would say just letting you know we got the note, no problem but that you never want them in your house again so please stay away.

What a horrible thing to have happen. 4 years old ffs

WonderingWanda · 11/08/2022 00:02

I don't fancy your chances of a reasonable reaction from a parent who let's 4 y/o out to play. It's a horrible note but I doubt the 4 y/o can write that well. I would go round to speak the 8y/o parents and ask to speak with them and their daughter. Use your best teacher voice and say

'8 y/o, I know you put this through our door, we have a door camera. That's not a very nice note is it? I'm sure you don't really want to upset my dd, how would you feel if someone sent the same to you? I'm know Mummy or Daddy wouldn't expect you to do this would you Mummy/ Daddy? Maybe you could draw dd a nice picture to say sorry?'

Basically tell them what they are going to think before they can be defensive or rude about it. I say this with 20 yrs of experience taking to parents about their children's bad behaviour and I can tell you they often take it as a personal insult to their parenting when it really isn't, all kids can get carried away and make mistakes, some are of course nastier than others.

Museya15 · 11/08/2022 00:07

Do not let those two girls associate with your little girl and do not let them in your house. That is really nasty.

Nahimjustaworm · 11/08/2022 00:09

Is the 4YO at school yet? Mine starts in September. She loves writing and drawing. She could maybe recreate this if someone was sat right with her telling her what to write but no way could she (or would she want to) do this off her own back. As pp have said the 8YO is almost certainly the culprit directly or indirectly.

I'm a pretty relaxed parent but what the heck are they doing letting a 4YO roam the streets with another young kid?! I left mine to play for 10 minutes with her 7 and 11YO cousins in my parent's garden earlier. I nipped out to check on them and the cousins had failed to notice that my 4YO was half way up a ladder against the house wall..... doh! 4 is still an age where they need almost constant supervision either by an adult or very responsible kid IMO. If she's wandering far enough that mum can't at least keep tabs on her out of her front window I would be genuinely worried about safeguarding for this 4YO tbh. Not sure ss would do an awful lot but if it's happening a lot I'd be tempted to let them know anonymously. They ought to at least note it down and if there's other issues it may help them 'join the dots' and identify a struggling family. A separate issue to the one at hand I know but equally important

ITO the nasty note both sets of parents definitely need to know and I'd be making sure your daughter's contact with either child is heavily supervised at least. Sorry if I sound judgy saying this though but I'd be prepared for a less than helpful response from either parent given that they don't seem that interested in taking responsibility for their kids. Good luck though x

Arenanewbie · 11/08/2022 00:19

I agree with @WinterMusings ‘s response - it’s firm and factual. Your DD doesn’t need their apology as she hasn’t seen the card. It’s better if they leave her alone.

JunieBabes · 11/08/2022 00:22

If the kids are just left to their own devices and do things like this then I'd put money on both sets of parents not being particularly nice, so I wouldn't bother saying anything. I wouldn't let your DD have anything to do with either of the kids again, and like others have said, I would consider reporting the 4 year olds parents to SS as she's way too young to be left playing out with no adult supervision.

Maray1967 · 11/08/2022 00:36

Take it to the parents of the 4 year old first as it’s in her name. Say you’re aware it might have been written by the older child. See what the parent says. Then take it to the other parents . I’d make both understand that their children are no longer welcome at yours.

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 11/08/2022 00:42

I'd speak to the parents. If that were my child doing that I'd want to know.
This
Also, you've had a 4 and an 8 year old round and the mum doesn't know you well?!
Sorry if I've read that wrong but unfathomable to me as they were barely out of my sight at that age, especially at 4, no chance would they be playing at someone's house that I didn't know!

StClare101 · 11/08/2022 00:47

What is even more disturbing is that the eight year old signed it with the four year olds name.

I would speak to both families, very calmly, with the card and the footage. I’d speak to the four year olds family first and then the eight year olds.

If I were the parent I would want to know and I would take it very seriously. Unkind behaviour needs to be addressed.

StClare101 · 11/08/2022 00:49

I agree though the parents will probably do nothing so if their response is hostile or they brush you off I would state very clearly neither child is to come near your child again.

Pinkbonbon · 11/08/2022 00:50

Sounds like the 8 year old is jealous about your 4 year old playing with her friend.

Or maybe your kid has been like 'I'm telling her you said that' so she has decided to tell the 8 year old that actually your daughter said it (about not liking her).

Id defo go speak with the 8 year old parents. Maybe the 4 year olds parents too though.

HarrietSchulenberg · 11/08/2022 00:51

It's an unpleasant note but I'd be more concerned about an 8yo supervising a 4yo for long enough to plot it, write it and deliver it.

WinterMusings · 11/08/2022 00:57

Oinkypig · 10/08/2022 23:44

That note is not from an 8 year old, it’s too regularly irregular, do the parents have an issue with you?

What's your background that you state this so confidently.

it's exactly how my neighbours 8 yo writes, including the Y. (But we don't live in a CUl de sac where kids play out).

BeaLola · 11/08/2022 00:59

LovelyDaaling · 10/08/2022 23:35

I'd start by visiting the 4year old's parents and showing them the card and photos. They are more likely to get the truthful story of what happened. Then visit the 8yr old's parents.

This and I would make sure I took photos of the card.

figmaofmyimagination · 11/08/2022 01:10

Cw122 · 10/08/2022 23:32

I definitely would go round and have a chat with their mum and just say I wanted to make you aware that this happened today, it's signed from your daughter and she's on our door cam delivering it. Just make sure you've an idea of what outcome you want before you go, do you want her to apologise, do you want to speak with her or are you happy to just talk to the mum and let her sort it as she sees fit.

I like this wording.

mycatisannoying · 11/08/2022 01:14

Weird that an 8 year old would want to hang about with a 4 year old. Mind you, with a mean streak like that, maybe her own peers don't tolerate her!
Anyway, I am SO glad that your wee girl didn't see the card.

Buythebag40 · 11/08/2022 01:25

4 years old? Who on earth are these parents who are letting their four year old wander round the neighbourhood with an 8yr old? And go and play in the houses of families they don’t even know?

That is my main concern from this thread tbh!

deeperthanallroses · 11/08/2022 01:26

My guess is that the 8yo is jealous of the 4yo being friends with your daughter and is manipulating the poor 4yo to try and keep them apart. Pretty horrible behaviour from the 8yo if so, but I wouldn’t cut off the 4yo. Who should not be out playing alone so maybe there are other challenges at home. I’d talk ti both sets of parents of course, taking evidence with me.