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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel disturbed that DD (4) received this through the door?

258 replies

Greenginghamdress · 10/08/2022 22:43

I got home tonight to find my partner with something to show me. He said " I didn't want to tell you this at work but two little girls put this through the letterbox for DD". (She is 4). It is a nice looking card with DDs name on, but with a nasty note inside, signed from a name of a little girl who lives round the corner.

We have a google doorbell and can see two girls dropped it through this afternoon. The 2 girls are from our estate, aged 8 and 4. The girls are good friends with each other but lately the younger one has been playing with DD. She even came to our house last week to play briefly! When they were playing I heard little girl say 'so you known DDs name I don't want to be friends anymore' . DD didn't seem bothered and later on they seemed fine.

The handwriting is good, I don't think the 4 year old has done this.

We haven't told or shown DD on anyone else.

What to do about it? I do not know the mums well. It seems very nasty and can't believe this sort if thing happens so young now!
Tell me if I over reacting. What would you do?

To feel disturbed that DD (4) received this through the door?
OP posts:
mathanxiety · 11/08/2022 01:40

It's very odd for a 4yo and 8yo to be friends. The only time I have seen this happen was a situation where the older child was using the younger one to gain access to her house and rummage through her mother's room. She was a piece of work.

deeperthanallroses · 11/08/2022 02:15

mathanxiety · 11/08/2022 01:40

It's very odd for a 4yo and 8yo to be friends. The only time I have seen this happen was a situation where the older child was using the younger one to gain access to her house and rummage through her mother's room. She was a piece of work.

I have a 7 and 4yo who play together a lot and I used to play a lot with a cousin 4 years older so that doesn’t seem so strange to me. But I do think the 8yo here is manipulating the 4yo rather nastily.

ivykaty44 · 11/08/2022 02:30

I’d go round with card and tell parents that the ring door bell shows they popped this card through the door & you thought they might like to know

i d just casually say you may want to deal with this and explain why it’s unpleasant and unkind

I bet the card is from a pack so the parents will know it’s from them

Belledan1 · 11/08/2022 02:50

I agree it's definitely the 8 year old. I would go round parents too.

AMIAMIBU · 11/08/2022 04:11

Like PP said 4 year olds first, then the 8 year old.

It's instigated by 8 year old.

Gottoomuchgoingon · 11/08/2022 04:20

I found a text from my NDN calling my DD a bitch and telling her to fuck off they're a lot older though.
I was around there like a shot. It's unacceptable

Dunnoburt · 11/08/2022 04:31

This is weird because I did the self same thing at age 8 ..... me and a younger neighbour had a friend who moved away and we wrote a letter each to her (i did the writing) but one was nasty .... to this day I don't know why we did it....I got an absolute bollocking by my parents for it.....I'm 40 and like to think I'm not dangerous!.......please tell the parents though because it's not acceptable behaviour!

ColmanFlamingo · 11/08/2022 04:39

This is so sad. I hope it goes well with the parents. What a mean thing to do. I wonder what's going with that 8 year old.

goldfinchonthelawn · 11/08/2022 06:00

Am I the only one here who wouldn't speak to the parents? I'd speak to the child. I'd assume parents who let their tiny child run around unsupervised all day with an eight year old will just think this is hassle and dismiss it. or, if you spoke to the eight year old's parents, I'd be worried it might aggravate the situation and she might keep doing it.

I'd go and find them playing and tell them you have them on film delivering the letter and that you recognise the 8 year's olds handwriting. I'd have a calm chat with them that made it very clear it won't happen again or they will be in serious trouble.

And I'd distance my daughter from them. Make sure she has some strong, solid friendships on the estate before she plays out.

Atfirst1 · 11/08/2022 06:03

GoodVibesHere · 10/08/2022 22:45

If you have it recorded on your google door thing, I would be straight over to speak to the parents. It's a horrible thing for those kids to do.

Yes was going to suggested the same. Set the tone take the video footage and play it to the parents and take the card also.

It's a nasty thing to do.

Howdoidothisanymore · 11/08/2022 06:22

YourWinter · 10/08/2022 22:53

The 8 year old clearly has the potential to be dangerous - emotional attacks even if not physical… yet. For her to want a close friendship with the other four year old suggests she my want a younger one to manipulate. Nasty… definitely inform both girls’ parents, and school when term starts.

I agree with this. The 8 year old appears to be manipulating the 4 year old with the potential for it to turn really nasty. I would be speaking to both sets of parents.

Teateaandmoretea · 11/08/2022 06:31

Do you know the mums’ numbers? If so I’d photograph it and WhatsApp it to them. Just saying ‘letting you know this was put through our door, obviously the girls don’t have to be friends with dd but I’m not happy with this thanks OP.’ It was signed with the younger girls name so it’s obviously from them.

Ultimately it’s then up to the parents. It’s always handy when there’s something written I think as it’s harder to get out of solid evidence.

Sunnyqueen · 11/08/2022 06:31

I would not speak to them on their own that will just get the parents backs up. I would go 4yo first then immediately to 8yo. Why a 4yo is out without an adult, I have no idea. Although reporting them to SS like a pp said is absolutely ridiculous.

kateandme · 11/08/2022 06:34

Please don't say the o hate confrontation thing here op. This needs sorting.for the safety of your child.
I'd tell both.the younger parents should want to no.at least who she's hanging around with and what they are up to.they might want to choose friends more wisely.
Deff the older one too.no parent should be accepting of this.
Not sure about school too.i no u say they aren't at same school.but are others on the estate.anf it might be worth a flag in case they spot any red flags your daughter hasn't been able to share with you.
And keep a very close eye if the two play together.

PortMac · 11/08/2022 06:39

This happened to me when I was 13. It was addressed to me so I opened it and was devastated.
I showed my parents and my mum called all the girls parents. ( they signed their names 🤦‍♀️)
They all left me alone after that!
Definitely contact the parents. They'll probably be mortified.

Motnight · 11/08/2022 06:44

Definitely let both sets of parents know what has happened, Op.

Sartre · 11/08/2022 06:48

The parents will be completely clueless so you need to go round and speak to both sets of parents and explain what has happened. If they’re decent parents they will be mortified and will have a stern conversation with their children. The 4 yo is far too young to be playing out unsupervised imo.

drawacircleroundit · 11/08/2022 06:49

If my child had written that, I’d want to know so that I could deal with her.
The 8 yr old’s involvement is particularly unsavoury. A 4 yr old is easily impressed and led; the 8 yr old is on some kind of power trip.

berksandbeyond · 11/08/2022 06:52

I would be straight round the parents.
What a wee shitbag

Dolphinnoises · 11/08/2022 06:54

I don’t think it’s “disturbing”. I think the 8 year old wants the other 4 year old to herself and is wildly jealous. I’ve had very similar with my DD and two Y3 classmates. Based on that I would go to the parents of the 4 year old first. I would start this with “I know this isn’t from your DD but it has her name on it so I thought you should know about it” and then ask for advice on approaching it with the 8 year old’s family (and clearly this is written by the 8 year old, it’s a rare 4 year old who can write like that). If your note writer is anything like mine she may not be happy at home, so any insight would help as you approach the 8 year old’s family. Good luck.

In more general terms, this is bullying behaviour, so I’d explore options with the 4 year old’s family for play dates for the two of them.

I was a 4 year old allowed out to play with an older child who bullied me. It fucked up my start at school because she filled my head with how no one would like me there and no one would want to play with me. This became a self-fulfilling prophecy because I stayed in a corner assuming I was a social pariah because the older girl had said so

Troublesometooth · 11/08/2022 06:56

MovinOnUp · 10/08/2022 23:21

Can four year olds even read? She wouldn't have known what it said.
The eight year old probably told the wee one it said something entirely different.
Nip this in the bud with a visit to the four year olds mum.

My now 5 year old would have been able to read “I hate you” at 4.

Some 4 year olds have been in full time school for a year.

LoveKingGary · 11/08/2022 07:02

I did something kind of similar at maybe the same age. Not saying I hate you but a 'grown up' note in someone else's bag pretending to be from someone else. I got in a shit load of trouble and never repeated it. I'm perfectly nice and normal now! I honestly don't know why I did it, children's minds don't work in the same way as adults' minds. A sharp ticking off and the embarrassment of being found out might be enough for the 8 year old not to repeat it.

Sunnyqueen · 11/08/2022 07:02

I would absolutely not report to school either unless you want to start a war. Just keep it between parents.

notyourmummy · 11/08/2022 07:10

8 year olds are emotionally immature and want to impress others - the note doesn't concern me especially, although it would be horrible to receive, but you definitely need to talk to both sets of parents. If the friendship continues, in a year or so, the younger child's going to end up in a load of trouble for things they didn't do.

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 11/08/2022 07:14

A 4 Yr old playing out without adult supervision is a huge safeguarding risk. I used to work for social services and it really isn't ridiculous to report an unsupervised 4 year old.
Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.
How would you feel if the 4yr old gets run over?

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