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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I over react?

192 replies

Serenstar1983 · 09/08/2022 20:13

Hi, first of all apologies for the potentially childish/tmi nature of this thread.

I'll just cut straight to the chase - my 13 year old dd was downstairs just now, chatting to me and my partner (just random chat, nothing important) and I had to go to the bathroom for...a number 2.

I'm quite shy about it all and the bathroom myself and my partner use is an ensuite in our bedroom.
I told him discreetly that I needed to go and he knows this basically means "stay out of the bedroom and keep everyone else out too until you see me again or hear the toilet flush".
He nodded in agreement,I used the loo and when I came back my DD sidled up to me with a grin on her face and told me "muuummm....DP said that you... (she looked towards the living room where my partner was)... went for a ..... poo".

By this time my partner had come into the room (we have an open plan living area so when she looked towards the living room she was looking at him around a wall separating the two areas) and said "thanks DD!" with an eye roll.

I was annoyed and embarrassed that he'd told her, also that he had blamed her and I told them both it wasn't her fault as he was the adult and Ieft it at that but he hasn't apologies or anything, is just acting like eveything's normal.

The thing is, 9 times out of 10 if I go to the loo for 'that' and my dd is downstairs, he'll tell her what I'm doing and I don't know why - his story is she asks to go into our bedroom "so what else am I meant to say"?

Am I being too sensitive or is he trying to embarrassing or undermine me in some way by telling my dd that I'm pooing?!

OP posts:
AMIAMIBU · 11/08/2022 03:43

Fefifobum · 11/08/2022 01:24

Literally who gives a shit?

This!

This post is hilarious.

DD has found out I poo. The horror.

lunar1 · 11/08/2022 07:01

Just go to the toilet without announcing it and lock the door. It's all a bit unhealthy. Is your partner her dad?

Sartre · 11/08/2022 07:03

So you’re upset because your daughter knows you shit? Wow. Just wanted to provide a bit of a newsflash here, everyone shits and everyone knows that everyone shits.

HikingforScenery · 11/08/2022 07:09

Can not lock the en-suite? Then you don’t need to announce to your DP that you’re going to do a no 2.
I’d hate to inform my DH about having to go, tbh. I don’t want to know if DH is going either.

Very strange.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 11/08/2022 07:46

God you would hate it in my house OP, my whole family try to talk to me through the bog door. I had to shout (at 17YO DS) "STOP talking at me I am having a SHIT!" the other day.

Original poster
Serenstar1983 · 11/08/2022 13:20

OK. I'm only adding this because everyone has jumped on the "you're crazy" bandwagon - and maybe I am.

But just to clarify; all the children use the upstairs bathroom. They're all a bit 'funny' about coming out of the bathroom having done a poo and someone going in straight after them. Its smells, they're embarrassed but that's the extent of it.

All three children have special needs BTW.

Me and my partner use the ensuite in our bedroom, which is downstairs. Our bedroom is also the room that myself and my partner spend most time as it's next to the living room and is cosier (living area is open plan).

My daughter was sitting outside chatting to my partner who was stood at the kitchen door, I was pottering in the kitchen and I just mouthed to my partner "I'm off to the loo".

When I came back, my dd announced that my partner (no,not her dad) had told her I had been pooping.

I found it weird and unnecessary for him to tell her that -not because we're all a weird bunch of secret pooers but because yes I like privacy and don't feel the need to announce I'm sitting to all and sundry, but because he specifically told her what it was I was doing, rather than just "your mums in the loo".

I don't know why you cant all see that and yes it should be just an eye roll reaction type moment but he does seem to like to be quite rude and dismissive of me quite often so I do think it was a deliberate attempt to 'upset me' for want of a better word.

Anyway. Just making that point but I understand and see where the majority of you are coming from so will take your advice on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serenstar1983 · 11/08/2022 13:24

And to further add - my partner and I ONLY tell each other when we need to poo as the bedroom is our main living space and neither of us want to have the other one hearing our poo dropping into the toilet or a massive fart. Which does happen occasionally 🙄

Sorry that we like to keep that side of ourselves to...ourselves a little bit!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 11/08/2022 13:28

You say in your most recent post that he is often rude and dismissive and that you think he deliberately tries to upset you so there is a much bigger problem than this specific incident.

People who love and care for us aren't rude and dismissive is frequently.

And they certainly don't purposefully upset us Flowers

wellhelloitsme · 11/08/2022 13:31

wellhelloitsme · 11/08/2022 13:28

You say in your most recent post that he is often rude and dismissive and that you think he deliberately tries to upset you so there is a much bigger problem than this specific incident.

People who love and care for us aren't rude and dismissive is frequently.

And they certainly don't purposefully upset us Flowers

This was meant to say

People who love and care for us aren't rude and dismissive to us frequently.

WeSent500Ravens · 11/08/2022 13:41

Are you the poo troll...come on now, don't be shy.

excitingusername · 11/08/2022 13:45

To say you have some issues around this is odd given that you are willing to talk about it in such frank detail (albeit anonymously) online. I in turn don't like people talking about their bodily habits unless it's a medical issue tbh - so the original posts bother me more than the scenario you're describing would! ;) I also get grossed out by the americanism 'poop'. Shudder! We all have our varying sensibilities.

Your partner has been insensitive to you about something he knows you're quite funny about, but I think the whole toilet rigmarole is a little bit odd. Just dismiss it to your daughter and perhaps see that you have a disproportionate sensitivity to all this.

GeriSignfeld · 11/08/2022 13:53

Few things would turn me off more than a partner who felt the need to confide in me everytime they had to take a shit & made me stand proverbial guard at the door.

It's strange the OP is so embarrassed of talking about poo with a child but tells her partner who would arguably benefit most from a bit more mystique.

Also odd that the OP is so secretive about doing a poo but prefers to do them in an ensuite of all places, so the stench wafts into the bedroom.

Nothing about this makes any sense whatsoever.

Fushiadreams · 11/08/2022 14:12

This is the oddest thing I’ve read on here and it’s getting weirder.

Macaroni46 · 11/08/2022 14:57

@excitingusername agree about not liking the American term 'poop' 🤮😂

Mississipi71 · 11/08/2022 15:03

If you are ashamed of doing poos, I am afraid it is no wonder your 3 children have developed the same stigma. Also, how do you know your partner wasn't joking when he said you had done a number 2? In any case, it is all so bizarre.

Coastalcreeksider · 11/08/2022 15:15

Surely this isn't true, no-one can be that weird about having a poo can they? 🙄

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 15:54

Your update doesn't make it sound any better tbh OP. If your DP does other things that are rude and dismissive that's certainly an issue to deal with but that doesn't change the fact that being this weird about pooing in your own home is unreasonable and odd

TheWayoftheLeaf · 11/08/2022 16:07

You're embarrassed that your own daughter knows you went to the toilet? In your own home?

You need to get over it OP. Or you'll set her up to be ashamed of normal bodily functions. You don't have to shout about it but seriously... they're family who live with you. They know you shit.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 16:11

@Serenstar1983

Do you honestly not see the link between you being uptight around bowl movements and all your children being funny about their own toilet habits

You've taught Them to be ashamed

You should hang your head in shame

Fushiadreams · 11/08/2022 16:39

I have to be honest op I also think there is likely a correlation between all three children being embarrassed about pooping and your extreme anxiety round it,

you’ve written some really disturbing things like your husband should have lied to your child , no one wants to be caught pooping, you said you were annoyed and embarrassed she knew and even told her it wasn’t her fault and you expected an apology from him. That you tell him discreetly so he keeps everyone away.

I think it’s a safe bet that your children have issues because of your own ones, there is no way they can t know. And if indeed that’s the case and rhese kids have been brought up to think shitting is something to be ashamed of then you need to fix that now.

Strugglingtodomybest · 11/08/2022 17:09

But my issue was with the fact that he knows not to tell her (as in,why couldn't he have just said I've popped to the loo? I was literally out of the room for 3 minutes so I don't understand why he told her anything) but did anyway rather than the fact she now knows about it.
And then tried to blame my dd for telling me. Didn't like that part either.

Sounds to me like they've made it into an 'in' joke between them.

They've bonded over your strange attitude to pooing!

drawacircleroundit · 11/08/2022 17:12

She’s 13, and her mum going for a poo is laughable and secretive?
Sorry, OP; that seems oddly immature and I’m with your DP. Your DD poos too, of course - why is it something to be ashamed of?

WaffleIron · 11/08/2022 17:16

Sounds like an overreaction to some playful ribbing really, especially the whole "He went behind my back and then blamed DD!" Typical dad joke.

I think you'll just need to keep it to yourself the next time you nip upstairs to bang out a honker if you want to persist with the Kim Jong-Un persona of not being pooer.

RagingWoke · 11/08/2022 17:22

sorry OP. You and your partner spend most of your time in your bedroom and not the family space? What do your dc so while the two of you are sat in the bedroom?

Fairislefandango · 11/08/2022 17:36

It's not that people are missing the point OP. It's that people think it shouldn't even be a point.

However... there seems to be a genuine problem, as you say your partner is regularly rude and dismissive of you and does things deliberately to upset you. Why do you tolerate this?