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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did I over react?

192 replies

Serenstar1983 · 09/08/2022 20:13

Hi, first of all apologies for the potentially childish/tmi nature of this thread.

I'll just cut straight to the chase - my 13 year old dd was downstairs just now, chatting to me and my partner (just random chat, nothing important) and I had to go to the bathroom for...a number 2.

I'm quite shy about it all and the bathroom myself and my partner use is an ensuite in our bedroom.
I told him discreetly that I needed to go and he knows this basically means "stay out of the bedroom and keep everyone else out too until you see me again or hear the toilet flush".
He nodded in agreement,I used the loo and when I came back my DD sidled up to me with a grin on her face and told me "muuummm....DP said that you... (she looked towards the living room where my partner was)... went for a ..... poo".

By this time my partner had come into the room (we have an open plan living area so when she looked towards the living room she was looking at him around a wall separating the two areas) and said "thanks DD!" with an eye roll.

I was annoyed and embarrassed that he'd told her, also that he had blamed her and I told them both it wasn't her fault as he was the adult and Ieft it at that but he hasn't apologies or anything, is just acting like eveything's normal.

The thing is, 9 times out of 10 if I go to the loo for 'that' and my dd is downstairs, he'll tell her what I'm doing and I don't know why - his story is she asks to go into our bedroom "so what else am I meant to say"?

Am I being too sensitive or is he trying to embarrassing or undermine me in some way by telling my dd that I'm pooing?!

OP posts:
Poppyseed14 · 10/08/2022 00:20

What an absolute shitstorm over nothing!

10HailMarys · 10/08/2022 10:39

I get that you're annoyed about your DP not respecting your wishes... but I also think he's done you a favour in some ways because if your daughter is being brought up in a house where nobody admits to having a shit occasionally, you are setting her up for a life of constant embarrassment and hang-ups. I'm not saying you need to chat about your bowel movements over breakfast but actively concealing the fact that you need the loo as if it's something we should all be ashamed of ever needing to do is... well, it's not good. By all means make it clear that you want some privacy for it and that you don't want your family standing outside the door giving a running commentary, but sneaking off in secret and pretending it's something your own child isn't allowed to know about is bizarre.

GeriSignfeld · 10/08/2022 11:03

Not too embarrassed to tell to your DP you need to poo though, are you…

Beyond weird you’re mortified that your daughter knows you poo, but have developed a subtle code with your partner so they know how exactly when you poo & have to protect your privacy

Do you tell all your partners when you poo?
Or has this partner gained special poo privileges?

PinkSyCo · 10/08/2022 11:12

Sounds like you’re daughter is being brought up in a pretty unhealthy environment if you can’t even talk about pooing in front of her. For her sake please unclench OP.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/08/2022 11:18

Ive never heard anything so ridiculous

Fushiadreams · 10/08/2022 11:47

I think you can now tell by the responses op that your behaviour is not within the realms of what would be considered normal or healthy,

pooping is not something to be ashamed of, it is not a dirty secret that can’t be told ro our child. Of course you don’t announce it at work, social events, or to random strangers, but pooping is not something to be ashamed of.

i think you need to try to force yourself to normalise it. And stop this odd behaviour.

for the record, shitting pooping farting, periods, sneezing, sweating, are all normal bodily functions that no one should be ashamed of but know how to manage correctly. This doesn’t mean lying and acting like it’s shameful. But instead shitting in the loo, sneezing into a hanky, etc etc, and as a family it should be not some forbidden topic that needs a code word and lies.

Loics · 10/08/2022 11:57

Ooh my first poo troll! Heard of a few but never come across one until now!

DillonPanthersTexas · 10/08/2022 11:57

Years ago when I was in shared accommodation one of my flatmate's had a girlfriend who would insist that everyone left the property while she took a dump. She was terrified of being heard. She got quite upset when unsurprisingly we were not too keen on a Sunday morning in January when we were all hungover to go and stand in the garden.

RagingWoke · 10/08/2022 12:18

DillonPanthersTexas · 10/08/2022 11:57

Years ago when I was in shared accommodation one of my flatmate's had a girlfriend who would insist that everyone left the property while she took a dump. She was terrified of being heard. She got quite upset when unsurprisingly we were not too keen on a Sunday morning in January when we were all hungover to go and stand in the garden.

I knew someone who lived in a shared house and wouldn't poop there in case anyone found she pooped. She would go into the town centre and use the public loo in M&S or a cafe instead. Weirdly she happily shared this info 🤷‍♀️

Whataplanker · 10/08/2022 12:50

You need a lock on your bedroom door so no one comes in the bedroom while you are in the bathroom. That way you don't need to announce anything to anyone.

tigger1001 · 10/08/2022 13:05

This just can't be real. So much drama caused by going to the toilet,

Why the need to tell anyone you are going to the toilet?

It's a normal bodily function

vodkaredbullgirl · 10/08/2022 14:28

MN I'm going for a 💩now

hulahooper2 · 10/08/2022 14:31

You are far too sensitive, everybody poos , its a natural body function, it’s not anything to be secretive about

Piggieinthemiddle · 10/08/2022 14:34

It sounds like neither of you are handling the situation well.

You seem to have an unreasonable amount of shame around this. How will your daughter cope with sleepovers / needing to use the toilet outside the home / living in a shared house in later life if she is brought up in this environment.

Your DP is deliberately embarrassing you. In his defence, perhaps he is trying to normalise it for your daughter, but it is clear this is not working, and causing you unreasonable distress.

In our house, if someone needs the loo, they just go. The toilet door has a lock. We try not to disturb each other whilst we're in there, and never feel the need to go into any detail about what goes on in there.

Anonymous48 · 10/08/2022 14:44

This is so strange! Why did you even feel the need to tell your husband what you were doing? If it was in the middle of a conversation, why wouldn't a simple "I'll be right back" or "just nipping to the loos" suffice? He may have figured out that you weren't just peeing, but so what? And your daughter was part of the chat you were having too, right? So why couldn't you tell them both that you were leaving the room for a couple of minutes or going to the loo without it being a big deal?

The fact that your 13 year old (not a toddler!) asked where you had gone and then made a big deal about the fact that you had gone for a poo, shows (unless there are special needs which you didn't mention) that your shame and secrecy around the subject is already affecting her. That's not normal behavior for a child that age.

If you are worried about her coming in while you are pooing, why don't you just lock the door? And why are do you think it's a possibility anyway? Haven't you taught her not to bother someone who is using the bathroom? I don't always even close my bathroom door the whole way when I'm using it. If the door is pulled mostly closed nobody in my house over the age of about 4 would dream of opening said door. But it wouldn't be a big deal, because we all use the toilet.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/08/2022 14:46

This is so odd OP, it's your daughter for gods sake. OK I'd agree with you if she told a friend of his for example that you'd gone to have a poo, but your daughter?

FavouriteMug · 10/08/2022 22:45

It's not a poo in our house unless you've announced it!

EuropeRoadtrip · 10/08/2022 23:17

What? I don’t get this. I don’t get how you worry so much about a natural process.

LilyMarshall · 10/08/2022 23:21

The fact that your 13 year old (not a toddler!) asked where you had gone and then made a big deal about the fact that you had gone for a poo, shows (unless there are special needs which you didn't mention) that your shame and secrecy around the subject is already affecting her. That's not normal behavior for a child that age.

all of this.

DixonD · 11/08/2022 00:28

Why do you need to tell anyone you’re going to the toilet? Just get up and go.

No one is missing the point. You’ve explained yourself well enough. It’s still weird.

Fefifobum · 11/08/2022 01:24

Literally who gives a shit?

Cactuar · 11/08/2022 01:39

At the risk of getting banned, surely this is the poo troll 🤔

mycatisannoying · 11/08/2022 01:44

Sorry but GrinGrinGrin

CelestiaNoctis · 11/08/2022 01:49

If you can't tell your own child you're going for a shit, who can you tell. Very overdramatic. Everybody poos.

Julia234 · 11/08/2022 03:42

Op, I’m sorry but you are being quite irrational about this and you cannot surely expect your partner to join in on your irrationality?

he is not trying to undermine you, he is simply telling daughter what you are doing because it is not a big deal. He shouldn’t have to lie about you using the toilet, this is madness.