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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, was it rape?

190 replies

ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore · 09/08/2022 10:08

Iv never spoken about this other than to my now husband who talked me into telling my mum for the protection of my younger siblings.

When I was 14 a family friend was doing work on our house, he watched me grow up and was in his late 20's at the time.

I didn't have the best upbringing and was already sexually active and had an older boyfriend (we wasn't together at the time)

I ended up doing sexual things with this man that I consented to, my husband say's it was rape as I was under 16 and therefore couldn't make that decision, the thing is I text this man for years in my teens and not only that but from what iv heard he had a thing for my older sisters to!

I'd never be able to come out in the open with this but the reason I'm asking is because my dad still speaks to this man, but if I told my dad he would probably end up getting arrested! I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
xsquared · 09/08/2022 10:13

I am so sorry to hear this op, but what your dh said is legally correct even if you say you consented to it. Given he was an older man in his 20s, there is a power imbalance and he took advantage of your young self.

Statutory rape is where one or both parties engaging in sexual activity is below the age of consent, which you were.

Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.

Leafy3 · 09/08/2022 10:15

Generally, if you have to ask the yes it was.

And your husband is right. Sexual activity with an adult when you're under age is statutory rape.

This man took advantage of you and groomed you. I'm so sorry, op Flowers

Festoonlights · 09/08/2022 10:17

No, I wouldn’t consider it to be rape in the real sense that you were ‘forced’ if you consented willingly - but in the eyes of the law yes it would be considered quite righty sexual assault - depending on the category - he could have been arrested and charged, you were clearly under age and bellow the age of consent.
He sounds predatory.

User135792468 · 09/08/2022 10:17

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Festoonlights · 09/08/2022 10:19

What I am trying to say is that if you were sexually active and agreed then it doesn’t need to be reframed as such in your mind - but it is illegal.

Leafy3 · 09/08/2022 10:21

An older man taking advantage of a vulnerable underage girl IS rape, however you dress it up.

Op alludes to a troubled upbringing and told us this is man who watched her grow up and had a "thing" for her sisters too. He is a predator.

A vulnerable girl preyed upon like that is not emotionally capable of consenting to sex. Therefore its rape.

She didn't need to be held down and beaten for this to be the case.

Original poster
ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore · 09/08/2022 10:22

@Festoonlights I would never come out with it he was married at the time and has 2 teen daughters now, not to mention his family are toxic and would make my life a living hell!

OP posts:
WaitingForWinter1 · 09/08/2022 10:23

What the man did was morally and legally wrong (I assume he knew your age then) but I wouldn't say it was rape.

mycatisannoying · 09/08/2022 10:23

Did he know you were only 14?
Doesn't make it ok anyway.
Flowers

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 10:26

It is statutory rape and he's a predator.

If you don't feel like a victim that's ok. You don't have to label it. You did the right thing telling your mom.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 10:27

It's a very difficult one OP, & I wonder how much negative impact raising this subject is having on you right now?

PP are right in that DH is "technically correct" - this was statutory rape by the older man.

But it is NOT UP TO DH TO DICTATE how you should handle that, who you choose to disclose to, or how you manage your own feelings about it. I have a really nasty feeling about his motives & suspect he is White Knighting you - which means he is putting HIS feelings about YOUR sexual assault above your own.

How are you feeling now? What support are you getting? (& just to be very clear - a third party, husband or not, instructing you disclose is NOT "support")

You might find an organisation like Rape Crisis helpful. If you contact them, please bear in mind that you have NO obligation to discuss your conversations with them, you do NOT owe anybody explanations or justifications, & that this is something that happened to YOU, not your husband.
rapecrisis.org.uk/

I am sorry this historic incident is presently so 'live' for you. Flowers
Please reach out for professional help if you are feeling wobbly, conflicted ... anything. Your closet loved ones may not be the optimum resource to counsel you.
Comfort - yes. Tell you how to handle your own assault? No no & a thousand times - NO.

Original poster
ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore · 09/08/2022 10:27

@mycatisannoying there is a photo of me sitting on his knee at 4 years old, yes he knew my age!

OP posts:
Agrudge · 09/08/2022 10:27

According to this under 13s cant legally consent

www.proceduresonline.com/swcpp/cornwall_scilly/p_underage_sexual_act.html

But still illegal on his part even if you did consent

FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 10:29

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Original poster
ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore · 09/08/2022 10:31

@KettrickenSmiled my husband hasn't mentioned it for a long time, he is an amazing support and told me to tell my mum so the man wouldn't be allowed in the house again around my younger siblings, the reason iv posted this is because I spoke to my dad recently and he mentioned seeing this man and told me about their conversation so it just made me think whether my dad should know about it as I'm sure he wouldn't speak to him again if he knew but also what can of worms would it really open..

OP posts:
FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 10:32

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girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 10:32

ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore · 09/08/2022 10:31

@KettrickenSmiled my husband hasn't mentioned it for a long time, he is an amazing support and told me to tell my mum so the man wouldn't be allowed in the house again around my younger siblings, the reason iv posted this is because I spoke to my dad recently and he mentioned seeing this man and told me about their conversation so it just made me think whether my dad should know about it as I'm sure he wouldn't speak to him again if he knew but also what can of worms would it really open..

Are you upset by the idea of your dad being friendly with him?

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 09/08/2022 10:33

Not rape given you were over 13 and consented.

Could be a different sexual offence depending on the year it was committed.

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 10:34

Why do you think he is a danger to children now?

He was 20 and you were 14, you said yourself you consented.

Because he knew her and her siblings from a very young age. He was the same with her older sisters, who he also knew from a very young age.

He wasn't 20. He was in his late 20s.

She also has younger siblings. A grown man who has had a 'thing' for young teenagers at any point should be kept away from them.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 09/08/2022 10:35

So for example, that would now be sexual activity with a child.

Middledazedted · 09/08/2022 10:37

The post above making a 14year old sound like a scheming experienced equal while in a series of relationships with older men could have been scripted by any seedy predator.

You were an already vulnerable teen and you were groomed into sexual activity. It wasn’t consensual. There is a world of difference between two fourteen year olds and an adult male and a fourteen year old. He behaviour was unlawful not just immoral.

I am sorry you had such a difficult teenage time and hope that you are doing well now. Your dh sounds supportive and with a good understanding of how you were left unprotected.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 09/08/2022 10:37

An example of this historically is the offence of USI (unlawful sexual intercourse)

So in short, an offence, just not legally rape.

FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 10:38

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houseonthehill · 09/08/2022 10:38

What happened to you was awful and illegal, but a couple of misconceptions in some of the replies:
We have no law called 'statutory rape' in the UK; and I believe the 'incapable of consent' law is 13 and under

Fushiadreams · 09/08/2022 10:41

Technically and legally yes op it is. Or at the least sexual assault if there was no penetration

however the reason I say technically is I was in the same boat and I one hundred percent absolutely know for sure it was not rape, coercion or any thing else. I fancied the pants off him and got invovled willingly.

only you know deep down op what this was. Only you,

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