To ask, was it rape?

[ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore]

Iv never spoken about this other than to my now husband who talked me into telling my mum for the protection of my younger siblings.

When I was 14 a family friend was doing work on our house, he watched me grow up and was in his late 20's at the time.

I didn't have the best upbringing and was already sexually active and had an older boyfriend (we wasn't together at the time)

I ended up doing sexual things with this man that I consented to, my husband say's it was rape as I was under 16 and therefore couldn't make that decision, the thing is I text this man for years in my teens and not only that but from what iv heard he had a thing for my older sisters to!

I'd never be able to come out in the open with this but the reason I'm asking is because my dad still speaks to this man, but if I told my dad he would probably end up getting arrested! I dont know what to do.

How old are you now? How many years have passed?

Legally it was wrong, she was 14.

FinneusMum why are you defending this guy and acting like what he did isn't morally corrupt? I can't speak for the legal side of things, as I am not even from the UK but what he did is disgusting.

I am the mother of a 14 year old and have a 27 year old sister, if one of her friends slept with my son, I would 100% have them charged. There is absolutely no way someone in their late 20s should be engaging in any type of sexual conduct with a 14 year old child.

The fact that this man had known the OP her whole life makes it even more disturbing. It does not matter that she was not a virgin or was a willing participant. She was 14 years old ffs. Where is your moral compass?!

Op I am sorry someone did this to you. It is so wrong.

I think for me now I have a daughter I look back at the situation and ask myself if this was my daughter what would I call it and now as an adult I would say he groomed me but I consented to sex, is that possible? To feel like you were groomed but knew what sex was and how it works so feel you did give consent? But also knowing he should never have even been talking to me as a child let alone climbing into my bed

How do you feel about it OP?

Some of these responses make me very sad and angry.

OP, you were a child. He was an adult man. His actions were illegal. Report him if you want to.

Any sexual activity with a child under age 16 is unlawful. So it's sexual assault / penetration of a child which is a crime

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-7-key-legislation-and-offences

It would automatically be classed as a rape charge if you were under 13 at the time

There is a grey area between 13-16 where they do consider consent of the child in terms of it being a rape charge or not

Either way what happened was unlawful and I'm sorry this happened to you

Came on to say this. There is a very real offence of sexual activity with a child, which this would come under, but no - not rape if you were over 13 and consented.

The problem with this type of offence is that it can come back to haunt the victim in years to come, which sounds like what is happening now. With the benefit of maturity and experience you recognise it isn’t ok, even if you didn’t recognise that at the time. It can be very confusing and distressing for victims.

Would you consider counselling OP?

Pretty sure a 14 year old can't give legal consent as they're underage.

Yes he's a danger to children, he had sex with a 14 year old , no ifs or buts, very unlikely not to have done it again as he crossed the boundary so badly, in fact quite the opposite.

‘To feel like you were groomed but knew what sex was and how it works so feel you did give consent?’

That’s the definition of grooming. It’s what predators do to cover their perverted backsides. They make people who can’t consent feel like they did consent, by first targeting people who are already vulnerable, and secondly, exposing them gradually to inappropriate things so they think they’re normal. They’re not.

Paedophiles are attracted to prepubescent children. He’s not a paedophile. Recognising that isn’t a defence of his actions.

Statutory rape is not an offence that exists in this country. What he committed was unlawful sexual intercourse, rather than rape.

But his behaviour was predatory and abusive. I don't know how you are claiming that it is not. If you don't understand the power imbalance between a 14 year old girl and a male in his late 20s who has wat hed her grow up, then I really don't believe your claims of being a psychologist.

‘And from the OP the predatory nature wasn't mentioned, she has now drip fed he was talking to her from 12’

As opposed to 14? Because 14 is fair game?

Honestly, I'm astounded by this place sometimes!

@FinneusMum I'm not making anything up. You've repeatedly said he's not a predator, not a danger to children, didn't groom her. Your attitude toward this situation is really off.

@FinneusMum fourtunately you don't need to study Freud to know that sleeping with a 14 year is predatory. It is disgusting whether he started talking to her at 12 or just went in for the kill at 14.

You clearly don't have a 14 year old if you can't comprehend that.

Even 20 and 14 is weird but I wouldn't assume that person is necessarily still a threat. But in this case- yes, 100%. Nearly 30 and doing sexual acts with a 14yo is not remotely excusable.

Absolutely this.

From what OP has written, him saying about his wife, making her feel sorry for him, it was absolutely coercion or grooming or whatever you want to call it. But he bottom line is it was very very wrong of him.

Hell, adult women fall for shit from men and end up in bed with them and then regretting it because it turns out it was all a load of bollocks to get them into bed. How the hell is a 14 year old able to navigate that? Of course he coerced her and he would have known EXACTLY what he was doing.

No man should be pursuing 14 year old girls. And even if a 14 year old girl was literally throwing rthemselves at them, no man would even consider entertaining that and would shut it down instantly. This man is still a threat, 100%

OP, I think you need to tell your parents. As a parent I would want to know this. You also need to just in case this person still visits your house and takes a liking to your younger siblings, or any other young teens he may have contact with. In fact, he doesn't even have to visit the house. You said it started online when you were 12. He is likely still doing that. Men who like sex with young teenage girls, do not just suddenly stop.

I think what this thread has shown is that if you have a legal question, DONT ask Mumsnet.

This thread has now descended into chaos to the point of being unhelpful to OP.

Incorrect - not having a pop at you houseonthehill - but this is important info, & women & girls need to be clear about it -

www.ageofconsent.net/world/united-kingdom