To ask, was it rape?

[ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore]

Iv never spoken about this other than to my now husband who talked me into telling my mum for the protection of my younger siblings.

When I was 14 a family friend was doing work on our house, he watched me grow up and was in his late 20's at the time.

I didn't have the best upbringing and was already sexually active and had an older boyfriend (we wasn't together at the time)

I ended up doing sexual things with this man that I consented to, my husband say's it was rape as I was under 16 and therefore couldn't make that decision, the thing is I text this man for years in my teens and not only that but from what iv heard he had a thing for my older sisters to!

I'd never be able to come out in the open with this but the reason I'm asking is because my dad still speaks to this man, but if I told my dad he would probably end up getting arrested! I dont know what to do.

Have you spoken to your older sisters about this man? It may be something o consider if you haven't already.

I agree with PP that counselling as a priority to get your thoughts straight would be a good idea and decide and if and where you want to take the situation going forward.

I really think you need to warn your dad if you have a younger sister and he's still hanging around. Is his reaction likely to be supportive of you?

Yes @FinneusMum the law is clear: it‘s illegal for an adult man to have sex with a child.

Some 'men' are attracted to underage girls and some people try to dress up as ok since the girl 'consented' it's not correct, you were underage and the 'man' is in the wrong. Probably done it lots of times too. Some 'men' think this is ok but it really isn't and there are elements in society who have 'let this go' for many years/gloss over it/ignore it/blame the child etc but it is wrong and it is a crime.

And no, there’s no gap in the middle. An adult man targeting a family of young teenage girls is predatory. Full stop.

Anything under 16 is classed as not being able to consent so yes it would be classed as rape.

I don’t know when this rule came in though and it’s possible that the age of consent didn’t matter if the other person was ‘willing’ back then.

Obviously there are situations where it’s not black and white - two teens in year 11 but one is a couple months off being 16, a girl lying about her age (which happens quite often), mental ages etc.

But if this happened today then yes it would be classed as rape as it is pretty clear cut.

You cannot consent if you are under the age of 16 even if you’re the one who initiated it - so basically don’t have sex with anyone younger than 16 else you’ll get rightfully done for it.

@FinneusMum how is it not predatory?
He knew her from a baby. He targeted her because she was vulnerable and he had easy access to her.

He was a grown man and she was 14. How do you not see that as predatory?

I understand you have a young child. If you paid a babysitter to take care of them and then in 10 years time found out that they were having a sexual relationship with that babysitter, would you not think that babysitter had abused their position to groom your child?

Fucking hell. 14 years old.

You can claim any profession you like on an anonymous forum @RumpoleoftheBaileys but it doesn't make you very believable, because you are ridiculously wrong. So maybe dial down the pomposity & pay attention to the laws of the land?

www.ageofconsent.net/world/united-kingdom

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/guides/z2w2fg8/revision/2

"Statutory rape is when one or both of the parties engaging in sexual activity are below the age of consent. Statutes are laws. This law means that a 14-year-old girl cannot legally consent to have sex with her 16-year-old boyfriend. This act would be considered unlawful."

Where is the law murky about sleeping with a 14 year old?

Fucking hell @FinneusMum … your thinking and logic is pretty screwed up. Not one person here agrees with your thoughts yet you still keep banging on trying to put your point across 🤦‍♀️ Genuinely don’t understand how in your head you can’t see, or acknowledge that this man was predatory and a danger to this girl. She was 14, he was late 20’s so possibly twice her age! What fucking 27/28 year old man has sex with a 14 year old girl, vulnerable or otherwise and thinks that’s ok?!? 🤮

Yes it was. The fact you were sexually active at 14 doesn't mean it wasn't. The fact that he knew you since birth and therefore no doubt knew you were vulnerable is abhorrent. A grown man who is content to have sex with a 14 year old is absolutely disgusting, no matter whether the child thinks they want to have sex with them or not. The amount of people on here defending him is sadly not surprising yet absolutely grim.

FFS

He isn't a pedophile, he was attracted to a teenager. In his 20's. There is no reason to think in his 40's he still is

A "human behavioural psychologist" who has not yet learned that sexual abusers & paedophiles/hebephiles do not just grow out of their predatory urges?

You're either having a laugh, or you need a refund on your course fees.

No it wouldn't be classed as rape if it happened today
It would be classed as unlawful sexual activity with a child

Who the hell cares what its classed as. The guy should be having his bollocks cut off as far as i'm concerned.

OP, it doesn't matter what it was classed as, it was wrong. On his part.
You did absolutely nothing wrong, you were 14. He was a grown ass man. (though I use the term 'man' very lightly here). He is a predator. Again, don't care about the technical label, he pursued a teen girl, hes a fucking predator.

And this is now haunting you. I am glad you have the support of your DH. If you are able to access counselling, I think this would be a good thing to do, so you can process this properly now as an adult. And please tell your parents. It is very, very likely this 'man' is still doing this.

Just because the law around things that affect women, in this case rape are crap, I don't think that's a very good bar to work from. If a vulnerable child went to the police and said a grown man who has been friends with our family since I was born had sex with me they would be bothered. What kind of bloke do you think accepts the consent of a 14 year old as okay? Or even wants to have sex with someone so young?

So any old pervy peodophille can get away with it if he his victim consents? Righto 🙄

And you’re still defending yourself and this situation … wait til your child is 14 and see if your views are still as twisted then.

@FinneusMum If this happened today and the OP went to the police they wouldn't actually do anything ,… they actually really would.

No ,of course normal men n their 20,s wouldn't want to go near 14 year old girls ,but a paedophile is someone who I attracted to pre pubescent children so I would say he.waa more of a predator .