To ask, was it rape?

[ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore]

Iv never spoken about this other than to my now husband who talked me into telling my mum for the protection of my younger siblings.

When I was 14 a family friend was doing work on our house, he watched me grow up and was in his late 20's at the time.

I didn't have the best upbringing and was already sexually active and had an older boyfriend (we wasn't together at the time)

I ended up doing sexual things with this man that I consented to, my husband say's it was rape as I was under 16 and therefore couldn't make that decision, the thing is I text this man for years in my teens and not only that but from what iv heard he had a thing for my older sisters to!

I'd never be able to come out in the open with this but the reason I'm asking is because my dad still speaks to this man, but if I told my dad he would probably end up getting arrested! I dont know what to do.

No ,of course normal men n their 20,s wouldn't want to go near 14 year old girls ,but a paedophile is someone who I attracted to pre pubescent children so I would say he.waa more of a predator

Who the fuck cares if hes a paedophile, a predator, whatever.

Heres a new label if you want to label it - A sick fucking piece of shit

That one clears up any doubt.

He needs reporting. He’s still out there, and one of my DDs is 14. Report him, please - then you’ve done your bit.

Both your then older boyfriend and the family friend in his late 20s would be considered by the authorities to have committed the offence of statutory rape.

Predators like that man know exactly how to skirt the law. And people like @FinneusMum help predators a lot by arguing about murky laws etc when any sane person knows that a grown man even flirting with a 14 year old is dodgy, manipulative and not motivated for one second by a desire to have a loving relationship.

I’ll be very clear - no one agrees with you that this man is not a predator - how you can keep saying he is not is beyond me and everyone else here.

No idea what strange tangent I’ve moved to? And no, you’ve not shown I’m wrong.

Only person I feel sorry for in all of this; is the man’s wife!

PS - it wasn’t rape.

Haven’t RTET but I believe if you were aged between 13 and 16 then it’s not classified as rape, it’s sexual activity with a child.

Still a crime, of course.

@drawacircleroundit I'm sorry but I can't do that, as I said previously his family are toxic and would make my life hell, I would be branded some sort of lying attention seeking whore and they would back him 100%

All I can say is protect your child something my mother never did, always monitor their social media / phone use and don't let them go out alone before they're 16.

Anyway OP I hope you can ignore the people who, for God knows what reason, want to make out this wasn't a case of a pathetic predatory man getting his jollies in a situation where he knew the girl he was targeting didn't have the wherewithal to deal with his lies and manipulation.

A very similar thing happened to my best friend at school. She was older than you - 16 - so the law has a different opinion - but it was definitely the case that an inadequate shit of a man saw a young vulnerable girl as an easy target. Anyone who's been in that situation or who has seen it as a concerned friend knows that any idea about the young girl 'consenting' is total nonsense and anyone who believes that probably has ideas about how young girls are sluts who manipulate grown men with their sexuality. You can guess for yourself the many reason why they might have those ideas.

Sorry this man was so shitty to you. It wasn't your fault. Normal adults know not to use children for their own pleasure.

I think you were groomed into having sex with this man. I wouldn’t necessarily call it rape if you consented but grooming for sex falls under sexual abuse so what the man did was still wrong and illegal, especially considering you were underage and he was a much older adult. If he was texting you from 12 then he was grooming you and setting you up into a situation where you would consent to sex, as an adult man he was in a position of power and you were two years under the age of consent so legally regardless of whether you said yes or not it was illegal for him to have sex with you.

You did nothing wrong. You were a child and you were groomed. He was an adult twice your age and what he did was illegal, regardless of whether you consented at the time. If you feel like you need to tell your Dad/ family I think you can do so in the knowledge that you are innocent in what happened.

Sorry @Deguster I didn't mean to quote you, I meant to quote @KJPrice who said they only felt sorry for his wife

Oh stop with the disingenuousness @FinneusMum. You are a behavioural scientist who hasn't worked out human behaviour, & you've come here just to act the pompous arse about OP's horrible predicament.

OP - a PP asked if it might be a good plan to sound your sisters out - certainly ahead of any decision whether to tell your dad. How do you feel about that?

You don't feel for the neglected, vulnerable teenager who was groomed, no?

@ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore

This happened to me too. I had sex with a man who was 28 when I was 15. My upbringing was fairly dysfunctional and I was a naive teenager. The first time we didn’t use protection, the second time we did and sex never happened again after that. Only my best friend knew at the time and I’ve told my husband, I’ve never spoken about it again.

She consented. So no I do not.

@KJPrice a 14 year old cannot consent to such a thing, anymore than someone passed out can consent.

I'm beginning to see why the CPS has such issues prosecuting rapists

I should mention, I don’t think it was rape as I consented but I was groomed, he pressured me into having sex with him.

My niece consented, at the time, to sexual behaviour with an adult male known to our family when she was 14 (not actual sex). He had groomed her, and very long story short, was eventually sent to prison for 18 months. He went on to more serious behaviour with a younger child that earned him 6 years in prison. Much later, niece found out he had 2 previous allegations against him, again with young teen girls, which he was found not guilty of.

From what is sounds like, this man groomed and abused you, potentially your sisters, and he needs highlighting to the appropriate authorities as this behaviour in predators can escalate especially when they think they can get away with it and they seek bigger thrills.

OP, I would suggest speaking to someone professional about the details of what happened and the legalities of this so you can decide if you want to take it further. Maybe NSPCC or Rape Crisis can help or even point you in the right direction, and how you can, if you want to, approach the subject with your sisters.

You might want to educate yourself. Also, the OP has stated she consented and was also sexually active having sex with boys. Does that make the rest of the boys she was sleeping with a “rapist” too ??