To ask, was it rape?

[ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore]

Iv never spoken about this other than to my now husband who talked me into telling my mum for the protection of my younger siblings.

When I was 14 a family friend was doing work on our house, he watched me grow up and was in his late 20's at the time.

I didn't have the best upbringing and was already sexually active and had an older boyfriend (we wasn't together at the time)

I ended up doing sexual things with this man that I consented to, my husband say's it was rape as I was under 16 and therefore couldn't make that decision, the thing is I text this man for years in my teens and not only that but from what iv heard he had a thing for my older sisters to!

I'd never be able to come out in the open with this but the reason I'm asking is because my dad still speaks to this man, but if I told my dad he would probably end up getting arrested! I dont know what to do.

NC fail OP?

It was child abuse. I think rape is a term that makes more sense between adults where consent can be given or withheld. Children can't give consent so it's always rape but it seems more relevant and appropriate to call it child abuse. I'm really sorry. There is nothing worse. This man is indeed a child abuser. I worry for other victims.

If she told them she consented

This is factually incorrect.

CPS guidelines are very clear, consent is irrelevant in the case of sexual activity with a child over the age of 13 but under the age of 16.
The only factor that may mitigate is a reasonable belief the child was 16 (or over). As the man involved here had known the OP since birth, that would clearly not be a defence.

@KJPrice consenting to one person does negate vulnerability in other situations.

A vulnerable 14 year old had sex with an adult man. That adult man had a choice whether to have sex with a girl - little more than a child - knowing she was vulnerable and underage. He abused his position of trust to take sexual advantage of her. There is not another way to describe his behaviour. His behaviour is not excused by the fact that she didn't fight him off. It was - and is - abuse. As evidenced many times in legal cases.

The legal age of consent exists to protect people under that age. Someone under that age is not deemed to be capable of consenting to a sexual relationship.

The fact that the op had already had sex by that point did not make her a knowing, independent woman capable of knowing whether she was groomed / preyed upon or not.

I will not comment on her other sexual encounters, we do not know the details. But having had sexual encounters before makes her no less capable of consenting than if I said no to my boyfriend today when I'd said yes yesterday.

Some of these replies make me despair.

The man was in his late 20s, knew OP when she was born, talked one with her when she was 12 and had a sexual relationship with her at 14. How is he not a predator or groomer?

OP was groomed even if she consented at the time.

@Floofboopsnootandbork I've noticed too. The best thing to do is to report and let moderators investigate rather than fan the ego of someone desperate to prove their point by dictionary with little concern for how they affect other posters where triggering matters are concerned.

If they were also in their late 20s then yep, also a rapist.

I too slept with multiple of older guys when I was 14 and thought I was consenting, how could I as a 14 year old virgin consent to being passed around by a bunch of 18 year olds though? Despite the weird views some of the people on this thread have they all still got sent to prison or left with a criminal record.

Anyway OP I hope you can ignore the people who, for God knows what reason, want to make out this wasn't a case of a pathetic predatory man getting his jollies in a situation where he knew the girl he was targeting didn't have the wherewithal to deal with his lies and manipulation

There is, and has been for some time, a very concerted effort, on social media in particular, to attempt to muddy the waters on issues surrounding consent of minors and to try to dismantle safeguarding.

according to the 'letter of the law' perhaps ...
but, morally, it's an entirely different matter.
You were very vulnerable. He groomed you. He (imo) raped you yes.

OP, I'd contact Rape Crisis / women's aid / a local expert counsellor to work through how YOU feel about this. Your feelings matter. When you are sure about them, then you can decide how (if) you want to proceed from a clear base.

I am sorry this happened to you & wish you every happiness x

Any form of sexual activity, "consenting" or otherwise with a child under the age of 13 would be rape or sexual assault as children under the age of 13 cannot legally consent:

A child under 13 does not, under any circumstances, have the legal capacity to consent to any form of sexual activity.

Children over 13 but under 16 can, by law, technically consent, however any consensual sexual activity with a child between these ages is still illegal:

The 2003 Act provides that the age of consent is 16. Sections 9 -13 clarify that any sexual activity involving consenting children under 16 is unlawful.Sections 9-12 cover adult defendants. Section 13 relates to child defendants.

Section 9 Sexual activity with a child
Section 10 Causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity
Section 11 Engaging in sexual activity in the presence of a child
Section 12 Causing a child to watch a sexual act

The quotes in bold are from the CPS website, not some random age of consent website.

CPS guidance

OP - you say you consented so no, legally it is not rape but it would be covered under Sections 9-12 as above. Regardless, I would 100% describe this male as a predator and would never disregard your feelings about what happened.

Thinking about this kind of situation as moved on considerably in the last few years. Relationships between teens and young adults were tolerated more (even though illegal) with consent from girls (definitely at 15) being accepted unless they were obviously being forced in some way or had learning needs. I think now we see it for what it is more clearly , that there is likely to be grooming going on, that young men shouldn't just take advantage of younger girls because they seem willing . So I think how you view it maybe should also be in the context of the attitudes of the time but also it is ok for you to revisit what happened and see it in light of the changing attitudes.

It was unlawful sexual activity with a minor but it was not rape. It would be termed rape in the eyes of the law if you were under 13. As to what you do about it now, I suppose it depends. Has it affected you in any way throughout your life? Does it affect you now? Would it affect you if it weren't for all the MeToo type media storms?

I'm not sure that you need to get hung up on exactly what offence he'd be charged under.

It was definitely illegal and abusive. It doesn't matter that you were already sexually active.

It's for you and you alone to decide what you should do about it.

there was something called a young man's defence, but that was for men under 24 - not late 20s, so not likely he could rely on it, even if it was the law at the time

This is obviously on your mind. I think you should seek counselling to talk this through with a trained person who can advise whether this man should be prosecuted or not and if he is a danger to other women..

Eww too many pedo sympathisers on this thread. 🤢🤢Makes my skin crawl. Bet it would be different if it was your own daughter.

You were groomed. What you do now depends on how you feel about it now and whether you think he is a danger to other young girls.
Maybe counselling is enough, maybe you want to see him pay for your crime? Any of your responses are fine now as they are your personal feelings.

However, if you still think he might be a danger to others, that will put a different slant on things.

OP if you were groomed, which it seems you definitely were, then it worked: you "consented".

That's the whole point of grooming.

The rape myths on this thread are horrific.

He's technically a hebephile - attracted to girls aged 11-14.

A 14 year old cannot consent to sex with an adult male..but she can think she does at the time, because she's 14, with a minor's undeveloped brain and looking to belong/be special/be wanted (for example) and here's someone who seems to care/get her.

I'm sorry he did this to you. Whatever the legal term it was morally and legally wrong.

OP: Regardless of the murky legalities, this situation was wrong. All the people insisting that you were capable of consent would never accept this sort of relationship between a man and their own children.

The more pressing issue here is the protection of your siblings.

Your parents can at least claim ignorance of what was going on and therefore were not complicit. You however, have learned to your cost that this man should not be around children. If your own siblings suffer the same treatment, you are complicit.

You have a moral obligation to tell your parents. They are surely not so useless that they cannot be discreet about this to avoid a massive fall-out?

@ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore you are being brave by starting to explore this. It might be years before you want to explore it further but please know that you will believed, without judgment and further disclosures will be your choice if you ever decide to do so. You have no responsibility to. Your only responsibility is to yourself to heal.

This line from My dark Vanessa is what finally made me unravel.

I have to believe it was a lovely story you know. Because if it wasn’t what was it.

You don’t need labels or the law @ivneverspokeaboutthisbefore There was a power imbalance. He took advantage and groomed you. What you believe you were consenting to you couldn’t really.

It’s really fucking creepy how much you’re defending this man. He was late 20s and started a sexual relationship with a 14 year old CHILD who he has known since she was born. Why the fuck are you defending that? Do you have a son who is a sexual abuser or something?

God almighty, not just a teenager an UNDER AGE teenager. What makes you think he's NOT still a danger ?

I’m going to say it’s not rape but that’s because a similar thing happened to me and I don’t see it as rape at all. I was 14, consented to and wanted to have sex with my 19 year old boyfriend. When I look back, I can see that I was taken advantage of because of my age, on occasions I’d feel uncomfortable with the things we did but I wanted to please him and wanted him to love me back. I don’t see myself as a rape victim but I know it wasn’t ok and he was a man taking advantage of a vulnerable young person. I also don’t view him as a rapist though I do wonder what on earth attracted him to a 14 year old.

The offence of sexual activity with a child, under the 2003 Sexual Offences Act is (assuming the OP was having sex with this man post 2003):
1)A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if—

(a)he intentionally touches another person (B),

(b)the touching is sexual, and

(c)either—

(i)B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or

(ii)B is under 13.

(2)A person guilty of an offence under this section, if the touching involved—

(a)penetration of B’s anus or vagina with a part of A’s body or anything else,

(b)penetration of B’s mouth with A’s penis,

(c)penetration of A’s anus or vagina with a part of B’s body, or

(d)penetration of A’s mouth with B’s penis,

is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 14 years.
(3)Unless subsection (2) applies, a person guilty of an offence under this section is liable—

(a)on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or to a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;

(b)on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 14 years.

legally speaking it is the above offence.

OP - I’m not sure this thread will help you.. best of luck with getting over this experience