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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 09/08/2022 11:11

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 10:24

Decline.
You can't have a destination wedding and expect people to spend thousands to attend.

I totally agree with you. I really don’t understand how so many people do this and think it’s ok.

Will shortly be in the same situation…😳🙄

CuriousMama · 09/08/2022 11:11

You have your family you don't need them. They sound ridiculous. Expecting people to fork out a fortune.

Don't let the bullies win. You have lots of reasons not to go, main one being they're a bunch of twats.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2022 11:12

In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are

Well if they want to behave stupidly that's up to them, but when this has passed they'll doubtless think of something else you're "awful" about

So why pay a fortune and inconvenience your whole family just to placate them temporarily?

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 11:12

Annabananna1 · 09/08/2022 10:53

Decline but fully explain the reason:

  • it is very expensive and out of budget (have you worked out the exact cost?)
  • abroad, have to take days off work and it's tricky
  • school and exams!! Unmissable at this crucial stage

I don't think the 18th bday is a good reason for missing but it's just one of many things. So, be clear about why. They've made it as inconvenient as possible.
You could even say you're gutted it's so far away and expensive as you'd have loved to have been there.

Don't do this OP.
And don't fall into the trap of letting anyone - your family or PP - instruct you what they think is a "good enough" reason.

You need to have a read of this, & act accordingly - do not JADE!
When you JADE, all that happens is that unreasonable pounce on your reasons & tell you why they don't matter & you should do as you are told or else.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

The more information you offer your unreasonable relatives, the more they will turn it into ammunition to attack you with. Learn to keep information minimal, learn to feel "my reasons are my own & not for public dissection."
Anything else is looking for approval, & you don't need their approval.
They are ALWAYS going to find fault with you, so disengage, Grey Rock, Broken Record ... just don't get into a load of discussion & verbiage. It won;t end well for you.
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
www.revolutionlearning.co.uk/article/the-broken-record-technique/

State your facts, repeat the phrase on a loop, do not get pulled in to any JADE whatsoever.

whowhatwerewhy · 09/08/2022 11:13

Just decline . You don't have to explain yourself to them .
A simple sorry we are unable to attend will do

gogohmm · 09/08/2022 11:13

Decline on the grounds of exams, solid reason

thefizz · 09/08/2022 11:14

Ask them if they would consider changing the date, otherwise that's a no. Can you imagine the reaction to that suggestion....

TBH I doubt it will make much difference to them even if you did go They won't care in the end, they will just snigger at the difficulties you had to make it. So don't do it to please them, put your own family first.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 11:14

iknowimcoming · 09/08/2022 10:59

It does sound like you've almost been setup here OP - dates which almost couldn't have been worse for your family. Tbh the money alone was a good enough reason to not attend, without the term time, 18th birthday and what clearly would be enforced time with a toxic family. If I were you I'd embrace being the black sheep and live up to their low expectations and enjoy it! Don't delay decline it today, and don't explain (just oh what a shame, we can't make those dates) and get on with your life without these awful people! Good luck!

Show quote history

Cheers @iknowimcoming - glad to not be the only cynic who felt this was a set-up ...

ReneBumsWombats · 09/08/2022 11:15

You literally can't go. You don't have the money and the kids can't miss school and exams. The fallout is just going to have to happen.

As you're the scapegoat, anything you do is wrong anyway, so who cares? The consequences are beyond your control and if it's not this it'll be the gift you buy or the dress you wear.

MrsR87 · 09/08/2022 11:16

There is no doubt that if your then 18 year old
is doing A levels, they will have exams in June. You don’t need any other reason not to go!

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 11:17

Patsy400 · 09/08/2022 11:04

I really don’t get this idea of having a wedding abroad and expecting everyone else to sacrifice their annual leave and finances to spend a few hours celebrating an entitled pair of knobs.
Fair play if you want/can go..but no one- not even family members, should feel guilty for not attending.
The only reason I’d have a wedding in another country is so I didn’t have to invite anyone.

😂😂😂@Patsy400 you are my kinda woman! Wanna get hitched? Wink

Wannago · 09/08/2022 11:18

Do you have only one DC (who is turning 18)?

If you also have younger ones (under 16) - that might help the argument even more.

If they are younger, you could point out that you are risking prosecution, a three month jail sentence, a community order, a £2500 fine and a parenting order see www.gov.uk/school-attendance-absence/legal-action-to-enforce-school-attendance.

Surely I could be legally prosecuted if I bring DC to your wedding should carry at least some weight?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/08/2022 11:19

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:15

Nuclear fallout as it is a sibling and parent will go ape shit.

So what? People know if they have destination weddings that not everyone will be able to attend, especially with your DC's birthday and exams.

Just spoke to younger DB of SIL yesterday who said he was going to a wedding of one of his best friends but him and his DW can go but not their DC. About 2 weeks ago they went to another friends wedding but they did allow their children. He was sort of being a bit put out that they had to find childcare and travel/stay in London (they used to live in London) now. Seems to have forgotten that apart from a few children him and his DW had a no children policy at their wedding too!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/08/2022 11:19

I, together with my DH, decide where I spend my precious holiday time and how I expend my annual leave. No one else. No grown adult HAS to do something merely because another adult will have a tantrum if they don't. Nuclear fallout can't happen if they find themselves arguing with silence. They'll just have to get happy again. If they don't, that's up to them.

I'd be disinclined to get into the Justify, Defend, Argue, Explain cycle either. A bland 'we have other commitments' suffices perfectly well. If you get into the JADE thing, all that will happen is you'll be worn down in circles as they find umpteen reasons why you HAVE to do what they want you to do. You don't. When those arguments are exhausted, you'll then be every manner of selfish, inconsiderate arsehole for refusing to capitulate to their wants. You're not.

How did we, as a society, get here? I don't understand all this 'going nuclear' over a declined invitation. It seems to be part of a parallel universe I don't inhabit.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 09/08/2022 11:20

Exams
Exam timetable for next year is out

We had destination wedding but it was very much.... We're getting married here if you'd like to join us but fully understand if you can't. No offense was taken at anyone who didn't attend. Because we're not selfish arseholes

gannett · 09/08/2022 11:20

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:49

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.
Add message

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

Fuck them all off OP.

Not just for this wedding but generally. Do they bring anything to your life except guilt, grief and criticism?

So they'll think you're awful. They already do. Give yourself the gift of not caring. Let them have their nuclear fallout by themselves - why do you have to be present for it?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/08/2022 11:22

If you have an 18 year old to be, then yes, June is exam time for A levels so an easy no for me

RampantIvy · 09/08/2022 11:22

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:49

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.
Add message

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

No, it just shows how unreasonable they are.

Online2022 · 09/08/2022 11:23

Firstly, if you dont have the money you dont have it. Simply say no, it is what it is. if your not close what does it matter.

zingally · 09/08/2022 11:24

My friend had an abroad wedding. She and her partner deliberately did it in order to remove the need for the "duty invites" of people your parents want you to invite, like distant cousins you see once a decade. Those types.
It worked, and the wedding consisted of parents, siblings and closest friends.

Just decline swiftly and politely.

Bollindger · 09/08/2022 11:24

Just tell DB that your so sorry that this is Exam Season for your DS and your sure he will understand your declining the invite and you look forward to seeing the photo's.

HangOnToYourself · 09/08/2022 11:28

Decline and block the fuckers if they give you a hard time, it doesn't sound like losing these relationships would be of huge detriment to you

StripyHorse · 09/08/2022 11:31

Ooops - clicked YABU in error. OP YANBU - the B&G are not more important than your own close family and personal circumstances.

Tree543 · 09/08/2022 11:32

Maybe you should go on the offensive, turn the tables on them and have your own tantrum. How dare you choose a date when my son has important exams, do you not care about his future?? How dare you pick an expensive wedding abroad when you know we can't afford it!! (Only half joking).

MollyRover · 09/08/2022 11:33

AtillatheHun · 09/08/2022 10:04

They probably only invited you to be polite; they’ll be happy with declines.

Exactly, stop making a bigger deal out of it than there needs to be.