AIBU to decline this wedding now?

[FamilyNightmares]

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

Decline but fully explain the reason:

• it is very expensive and out of budget (have you worked out the exact cost?)
• abroad, have to take days off work and it's tricky
• school and exams!! Unmissable at this crucial stage

I don't think the 18th bday is a good reason for missing but it's just one of many things. So, be clear about why. They've made it as inconvenient as possible.
You could even say you're gutted it's so far away and expensive as you'd have loved to have been there.

I wouldn't go. Apart from your own son's important milestone birthday exams at this stage of his life are crucially important for the next stage. It's not like he's about 7. Whether the exams are actually on the dates of the wedding or not, he doesn't need the disruption at that stage of his preparation. It's hard enough getting some teens to work for exams but if there's a destination wedding in the picture he has the perfect excuse for not having put the work in. Later though, if it all goes pear shaped and he doesn't get the results he needs he will probably blame you prioritizing the wedding for poor results. Even if he is the most together teenager imaginable doing A levels is incredibly stressful. The level of work plus the knowledge that future plans hinge on the results is a stress at that age even if they act 'cool' about it.
In the lead up, even if it's not exact exam dates he needs you there, encouraging, bringing cups of tea, keeping an eye on rest ext. You have the perfect reason ...not an excuse not to go

Here's the A-level exam timetable for summer 2022, nearly every date in May/June has exams. Summer 2023 will be roughly the same. Not sure if you've said whether your DC is doing A-levels.

qualifications.pearson.com/content/dam/pdf/Support/Examination-timetables/GCE_Summer_2022_Final_v1.pdf

If the bridge and groom choose an expensive wedding in a far flung country, then they should appreciate that not everyone will be able to afford or travel that far. Your DC's exams trumps their wedding. Personally I would politely decline the wedding, and offer a catch up celebration when they return.

It's very hard, very frustrating, & can be very upsetting. I do understand.

However ... you could decide that this wedding is your line in the sand - from which you are going to start disengaging from your awful family.

I absolutely get it OP - it's demoralising & suffocating when you are being gaslit & the flying monkeys are pushing the bullshit on anyone who will listen.
In fact, I think THIS is the real problem, not the wedding: you need to give yourself permission for that disengagement. Part of that is finding a way to not let the batshit opinions of abusive people matter to you.
That's easily said, not so easily done, & nobody can tell you what tactics will work for you. But if you are 'stuck' here, please spend some of the money you will save by avoiding this show-off wedding on some therapy for yourself.
Not because there's anything wrong with you - there isn't - but it takes a while, & sometimes professional support, to unpick the dynamics of decades of dysfunctional family FOG.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

They will think you are awful? Great! They may stop bothering you!

It does sound like you've almost been setup here OP - dates which almost couldn't have been worse for your family. Tbh the money alone was a good enough reason to not attend, without the term time, 18th birthday and what clearly would be enforced time with a toxic family. If I were you I'd embrace being the black sheep and live up to their low expectations and enjoy it! Don't delay decline it today, and don't explain (just oh what a shame, we can't make those dates) and get on with your life without these awful people! Good luck!

Don't be afraid of this reinforcement of their view that 'you're awful' - one of the key elements of escaping the manipulation of 'toxic' parents was to no longer worry about what they thought of us/their smear campaign.

As soon as you mentioned that they would go ape-shit...it came as no surprise that they're manipulative and controlling parents who have embraced the GC/SC dynamic.

You absolutely have to put YOUR family first - your child's 18th birthday, their exams and your finances. Don't be drawn into discussing it with them. They can flounce off and go NC for while if they wish.

I would send your regrets as soon as possible to get this over and done with💐

Decline but do it now. It's simply not feasible to take your child out of school/college at that point in the year plus their 18th birthday.
I don't suppose your family will be too bothered about missing that!

Also, why in earth expect people to spend lots of money to go to another country when they all live relatively close together?

My niece and goddaughter got married abroad and totally understood that I couldn't make it because a) I work in a school and b) I couldn't afford to anyway.
No drama. No falling out. Just sent me lovely photos of her day.

If your relatives are seriously going to say that attending this wedding comes before your children's futures, you're better off going low or no contact with them. It doesn't sound like their good opinions are worth having.

Wow that is incredibly myopic! Booking their wedding during exams and on your ds’s 18th!

Isn't it just! OP updated that she thinks they chose the dates because they are (termtime) cheaper ... but I wonder.
Given the ghastly Golden Child & Scapegoat dynamic, & that OP is not close to the B&G despite the sibling relationship, has OP been set up as a 'test' of loyalty, compliance ... & a lovely bit of staged melodrama when she obviously cannot attend?

Don't feel guilty. Its insane when people expect others to pay huge sums to attend their wedding. It completely misses the point of a wedding, doesn't it?

Just a simple, 'oh no, just seen the actual dates of your wedding and theres no way we can make it. DC has final exams going on then, and we have already arranged their 18th celebrations on that week. What a shame, we were really looking forward to it.'

If it causes a huge fall out, let them crack on. Just rinse and repeat the above.

Fuck that, normally I'd be saying it's your sibling you should make the effort but at the same time they don't sound like nice people to make demands like that, you're already LC and you should be prioritising the good relationships you have and their important events, your childs 18th

It doesn't matter. Decline politely now. Anyone believing a false recounting of the situation from your family are not worth worrying about either.

It can be rather freeing when you go NC.

Your DC's 18th & exams are your priority, not your toxic siblings vanity wedding.

Just decline. Who cares about "nuclear fallout"?

I really don’t get this idea of having a wedding abroad and expecting everyone else to sacrifice their annual leave and finances to spend a few hours celebrating an entitled pair of knobs.
Fair play if you want/can go..but no one- not even family members, should feel guilty for not attending.
The only reason I’d have a wedding in another country is so I didn’t have to invite anyone.

In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

& if you attended, determined & creative attempts to find other ways that you are Just Bad & Wrong & Awful would be found.

Which is another good reason to find a way of not giving a shit for their stupid opinions.
Please set some time aside to have a good old browse round the "FOG" website linked upthread OP - I think you will find it enlightening & very helpful

Decline. If they think you are 'awful' anyway, not going isn't going to make you awfuller. And, if you do go and bankrupt yourselves in the process/miss significant birthdays/school etc etc, they won't think any better of you anyway. You still won't measure up, unfortunately. Decline now and have done.

Decline and then mention it to various family members about it being your child’s exam year and their birthday straight after.
Get in their first before them.
Or gives the reasons to a few other family members and then send the official decline.

If your not close then it’s no loss of they stop talking to you.

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are

I have a sibling who hates me, and everything I do is "wrong". The thing is, I could do the nicest thing ever, and instead of being thankful, they would look for any perceived bad and make it about that. Let's say I won the lottery and gave them £1m.....then I should have given them £2m....

You will NEVER win here. Best to put yourself first, as the outcome will paint you as the baddie regardless. If you go, they will find something wrong with that. Take it from me, life gets better when you bow out of this nonsense.

To add: once you've been brave enough to decline the invitation it could well be that the others will do so too.

Why would you spend a fortune attending a wedding abroad that you don't want to attend to appease your parents?
Will your relationship with your parents suddenly improve if you go? I suspect not!!!
If they behave badly to you because you don't attend that is on them.

Be your own person and live your own life.

It was my DS’s 18th yesterday, he sat his-levels this year. Next year DD1 sits GCSE’s, there is no way that we would agree to a trip for a wedding during June.

We did travel to the SW for a Christening during May/June half term, DD came with me Saturday, attended Christening Sunday and he went home by train Monday.

there is no way you can take an a-level student out in June until you know their exam timetable. I would excuse yourself now.

Bluntly, parent can fuck off. So can B&G.

Your children can't miss school. You can't go in term time nor can you go when they have exams or are studying for exams.

"We would love to go but unfortunately X has exams that week." on repeat and don't get into any more detail than that. You know they'll make up their own narrative anyway, and if you are LC, why do you care what they say and think.

Meant to say DS flew away 28/6 for a holiday, having (I think) finished exams on 24/6