AIBU to decline this wedding now?

[FamilyNightmares]

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

Decline. You have rock solid reasons. Do it now and get it over with.

You'll never change your family's dynamics so best to put yourself first.

You get to make a choice about what you want to do and how you spend your money. Just decline the invitation. What other people do is up to them. Obviously you can't control other people's responses.

A. Please don’t go and miss your DS 18th birthday. It will be a mega important day to him and his mates. - I had a phone call from my then 18 year old DS best mates to say he was extremely drunk in the local village and needed picking up!
B. It could be B&G felt or were coerced into inviting you and really couldn’t care less if you were there or not ( that’s meant nicely)
C. Are you other DCs invited? Do they want to go? Can you afford the whole family to go? It could run into many thousands of pounds if so.

I think you just say you can’t go in June because of exams and leave it there!

Ok - can I just say - your sibling is perfectly entitled to get married at a time of their choice, and is not obliged to have a school holiday wedding just because of the fact you decided to procreate!
Why wouldn't they go for something if it is cheaper?!
They would be being unreasonable if they were annoyed with you by not going. It's like getting married on a week day. I couldn't give two hoots if you need to take annual leave - if it bothers you, don't come!

So if there’s a nuclear fallout with family you’re LC with anyway. So what? What’s the worst that’s going to happen? Does it matter what other people think? It’s essentially a temper tantrum because you’ve said no, and prioritised your family.

If they think you're awful now, who cares if their opinion of you lessens a bit more? Sounds like you need to upgrade from LC to NC anyway.

Literally your eldest child cannot go due to exams. That means another parent cannot go as it would be awful to go through A levels without the option of a parent at home to vent to /debrief with /cook dinner.
So either one parent goes or you all decide that it's better that none of you goes.
But you don't have a choice here so who cares that you'll be spun as the "bad ones"?
Presumably you and your partner are bringing up your own nuclear family in a healthier happier way - you don't want to be reminded "remember when your prioritised that uncle's wedding over my exams /prom / 18th birthday ?" - honestly I normally think these threads way over-dramatise things and roll my eyes and think "just suck it up" but this isn't one of them.
The timing is a gift to you. Use it!

Just decline.

You don't want to go, so don't go.
I am so over doing what people want me to do, when it makes me unhappy.

Children can't miss school - that is absolutely non-negotiable. So just say 'no'!

You can't take the children out of school in term time and you are facing much higher costs with bills etc so 'Sorry but we won't now be able to attend'. I'm sure your sibling and parent will understand that, as will the B & G.

Also, a bride and groom do not have to cater to every single prospective attendees budget. What is unacceptable is if they get narky about people not being able to go.
But hell no, my life choices are just as important as yours, and if I wanted to get married in the Maldives/Bora Bora/wherever and I'm going to make that happen for me, I don't need "blah too expensive blah" comments from all and sundry. Just don't come - simple.

I’d decline with a “really sorry but we just can’t go it is during DCs A-Levels and we can’t miss those. We’d love to celebrate with you though so could we take you to (posh restaurant of choice) in august to celebrate” it might grate paying for a slap up meal for them but will be much cheaper that flights accommodation etc so I’d suck it up.

Id invite those likely to kick off as well so it doesn’t look like you don’t care. It’s hard to kick off if someone is doing something nice

Decline now. In addition to the points raised, schools are being instructed to levy fines without discretion, never mind the possibility of prosecution.

We’re in the exact same position,
wedding abroad in June!
sil is selfish in my opinion,
cost of living crisis,energy prices going up in October!

My child wouldn't miss school so they wouldn't go.

I might go alone IF I wanted to visit the country and could afford it. Otherwise I'd use school as the excuse, since your family unreasonably don't seem to think lack of money is a problem.

Personally wouldn't be fussed about the 18th. I have never been that fussed about my own wedding and often celebrated it on the weekend instead if it fell midweek.

Perfect get out clause. Exams trump vanity wedding.

I bet more people will decline. Just don't go. If there's a fallout too bad - they can be mad but you can rise above it and not engage.

It doesn't matter, none of the reason matter, you don't want to go, you don't have to do the pick me dance anymore, they still won't think much of you even if you do financially and emotionally bankrupt yourself and even if you miss your DS birthday you still won't be good enough.

Just step off the hamster wheel you have been running on your whole life.

I think they're playing a game with you - when they say jump, they expect you to say 'how high?'.

Say no and say it right now, when you've only just received the date. Leave out cost, they'll insist that you ought to find the money however much else you need it for. Leave out the birthday, they'll throw it back at you that you're a bitch for prioritising a birthday over their once in a lifetime wedding. Tell them it's in your DC's exam period so you will not be going.

And if they go nuclear let them. It says much more about them than it does about you.

Yes, this, a thousand times this. @KettrickenSmiled has nailed it.

Gently, you are obviously still very concerned about what these toxic people (and I include the parent who will go nuclear) and their flying monkeys will think/say about you. I strongly back up looking at the links posted to disengage and deal with this situation. Yes, it's so hard, but you will feel so much better once you can see their behaviour for what it truly is. Best of luck.

If it were me there's no way I'd go. Your ds' education is so infinitely more important than this nonsence. Learning boundaries and to say no to these types has been one of the best things I've done in the last 5 years. You'd be surprised to, once you put boundaries up they back off and even start respecting you more.

The wording here is good, though I expect it will make little difference to the outcome.

If it's a sibling then whoever's sibling it is go and the other parent stays. Easy.

If your sibling and parents aren't capable of understanding why you can't make it, if they are incapable of taking you and your families needs into account then they're not worth any worry or angst over this. Drama and fallout will show that your decision to be LC with these people is the right thing for you and your immediate family.

😂never say never!