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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
alibongo5 · 09/08/2022 10:26

AtillatheHun · 09/08/2022 10:22

In which case the one sibling attends without family. You are way over thinking this

Miss their own child's 18th for a sibling's wedding that costs a fortune and they don't want to go to? I wouldn't.

happystory · 09/08/2022 10:27

Just say no. The fallout will not be of your making, and if you were close to the bride and groom, they would totally understand. The cost alone would make the decision for me...

TooHotToTangoToo · 09/08/2022 10:27

Just no, your dc exams will have an impact on them for the rest of their lives, the wedding will be forgotten after a month or so.

mumonthehill · 09/08/2022 10:27

Yep if your son is doing exams he will be expected to be available to sit exams until the end of June in case any are moved etc. so even if he had finished you could still say he cannot go. We declined a June wedding abroad for this very reason.

Mindymomo · 09/08/2022 10:27

There is no way your 18 year old would be able to take time off in June due to exams. You could look online and see when the subjects that your DC is taking were this year, you will get an indication of when they are next year. If anyone has a wedding and invites guests with children, it’s obviously going to be a no during term time.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 09/08/2022 10:27

Your dc's birthday surely outweighs a relative's wedding?

MaggieFS · 09/08/2022 10:28

Then ignore the cost and use the timing.

Surely it's easy. 'Sorry, we didn't know it would be in term time so we can't come'.

(Assuming from your post about distance and min no. of nights that a weekend isn't possible)

Shinyandnew1 · 09/08/2022 10:29

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:19

Do they decline though Wavey? When we initially pushed back on it due to cost we were told "everyone else has accepted and doesn't have a problem with the cost". None of them are loaded. They all have average jobs.

I can't quite see that myself.

So what everyone else is going, that doesn’t mean you have to.

Just don’t go -they literally can’t do a thing.

Plumbear2 · 09/08/2022 10:29

Decline. If asked say that is an important school year, as well as missing exams the holiday will be classed as unauthorized absence which you will be fined for aswell as it showing on your child record which will then be sent to further education colleges, universities etc. It would show them in a bad light.

heldinadream · 09/08/2022 10:29

So either you or your DH/P are being blackmailed/coerced by a parent or parents?
Come on, you don't give in to that at the expense of your own finance, children and lives!

Tell us the whole situation (if you want) and you'll get help to find the backbone to say 'no' to them. It's a lifeskill!

Iloveacurry · 09/08/2022 10:30

Let them go mad. If it’s a sibling, surely they would of known it’s your child’s significant birthday and exam time.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 10:31

We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't.

Decline, & let the fallout happen.
You needn't witness it if you simply decline to engage.

"As I said Sandra, we simply can't afford it, I'm not sure why YOU'RE the one feeling upset about that! Anyway I'm sure you'll all have a lovely time, looking forward to seeing the pics. Would you like tea or coffee? Isn't the weather glorious" etc

Simply show the potential kickers-off that nothing they say is going to sway you, & that they are being ridiculous.

Lalliella · 09/08/2022 10:34

Umm you can’t possibly take school age children out of school in June! Won’t the 18 year old have A levels or Btec exams? And that’s aside from all the other very valid reasons.

Vikinga · 09/08/2022 10:34

Are they getting married abroad because they live there or because they fancy an exotic location for their wedding?

My brother got married abroad. A close relative only came because we funded it. We have a small family and it was important they came but they couldn't afford it. Had we not been able to pay for them, we wouldn't have been annoyed. It's understandable.

JuneOsborne · 09/08/2022 10:34

I don't get this at all.

I'm a mum to two. If one of them were getting married abroad, in term time and the other sibling had kids who were supposed to be at school on the day and they couldn't afford it, why would I go nuclear?

If anything I'd be saying to the one getting married, don't you want your sibling and their family there? Because of you did, a term time destination wedding isn't the way to make sure they can come.

I'm guessing your brother or sister is the golden child?

billy1966 · 09/08/2022 10:35

WaveyHair · 09/08/2022 10:15

Decline - you have a couple of cracking excuses there (exams & 18th). Far as I am concerned people declining is the risk people take when they opt for a foreign wedding.

Absolutely this.

OP, the fact that your family are the types to go ape shit is even more reason to decline.

I have no difficulty in refusing weddings that don't suit.

Several years ago my well travelled nephew decided he was gettimg married in Croatia.....until his and the brides parents were told that so many wouldn't be able to make it.

They rethought their plan and had a wonderful wedding an hour from where they lived.

He's a lovely guy but it didn't suit us at the time and we really didn't have any anguish over the decision.

My SIL never so much as blinked when told, much less make a fuss.

The money one and not being close is enough of an excuse for many.

The exams would have killed it immediately.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/08/2022 10:36

I would absolutely decline now and get any fallout over and done with. If nothing else, the fear of that (and it may not be as bad as you thing, once the initial spasm passes) will make the situation worse.

And as PPs have said, you can use the unknown of exam dates as your 'out' rather than the cost.

Rowen32 · 09/08/2022 10:36

If you and your partner are on board, decline.
I'd be way of giving term time excuse on off chance they change the date and then you can't get out of it.
I'd be saying it's too much money or you can't afford it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2022 10:36

there will be nuclear fallout if we don't

Really? And your next sentence is...

We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom

So just say you can't afford it and send them a nice present.

You're overthinking it. They probably won't really care if you're there or not.

Earlymenopausesucks · 09/08/2022 10:37

If it was me… I am afraid, regardless of cost, the date of the wedding coincides with DC’s 18th birthday and the final exam diet. Obviously we will be sad to miss your special day, however we simply cannot attend.

ancientgran · 09/08/2022 10:38

I didn't go to siblings wedding. It wasn't exactly approved of but everyone got over it, well there was a big row with SIL several years later and we didn't agree about things but she's an exSIL now so all good.

Original poster
FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:39

I'm guessing your brother or sister is the golden child?

Yep.

I'm pretty sure they picked this date as it was a bit cheaper and they could get this week. I'm pretty sure they know it is my DC's 18th and school, but assume that because they are much more important than anyone else, it is irrelevant.

I'm pretty sure if we don't go the relevant facts about it being term time and a significant birthday will be removed when the drama is recounted to anyone who'll listen.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 09/08/2022 10:41

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:39

I'm guessing your brother or sister is the golden child?

Yep.

I'm pretty sure they picked this date as it was a bit cheaper and they could get this week. I'm pretty sure they know it is my DC's 18th and school, but assume that because they are much more important than anyone else, it is irrelevant.

I'm pretty sure if we don't go the relevant facts about it being term time and a significant birthday will be removed when the drama is recounted to anyone who'll listen.

As long as you don't have to listen who cares?

Rosehugger · 09/08/2022 10:41

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:15

Nuclear fallout as it is a sibling and parent will go ape shit.

Then they should get married in the UK where most people should be able to attend and stop being self-centred twats. Their choice, their risk that people can't go.

Original poster
FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:43

That is it exactly Rose. All of the B&G's family and friends live within an hour of each other. Why the hell do we all have to congregate together in another country, and come back absolutely skint?

OP posts: