AIBU to decline this wedding now?

[FamilyNightmares]

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

It is illegal.to take your child out of school in term time as well as exam time . if that's not reason enough causing you a fine on top of wedding costs , think that's good enough reason! sure your parents must be aware of these issues , if favouring your sibling, that you're not even close to then you'll just have to ride the storm! Your children are more important and one of them being 18 too!

If you are not close to the B&G then what’s the problem? Just say it has become impossible for you to go what with the expense and daughters schooling.

Sounds like my family. I refused a family invite as they had invited someone who physically abused several of us during childhood. Parents never spoke to me again. It was a blessing tbh

I've just had X's lovely invitation and I'm horrified to see that the date is during DS's exams and also on his 18th birhtday!. I had no idea you were planning to book for this time X, or I would definitely have said something at the time

This. But stick with the exams. That’s the trump card in every respect. Your kids can’t go because of this. You can’t leave them because of this. If your parents kick off, then surely they should have known about this hugely significant event for their grandchildren?

Rightly or wrongly, people often use “can’t afford” when they mean “don’t wish to prioritise”, so even when it isn’t the case, you run the risk of people making that assumption. But major exams are not to be argued with. They have chosen the one time that you cannot go. End of.

Just say a firm & final NO & don't bow to any guilt trips. That's an insane expectation of you & 100% not fair on your child re. birthday & exams!

Sod the fallout.

I wonder if thy chose this time of year knowing you couldn't attend ,then them flipping out on you for not going is just to prove to them what thy already think of you , please don't go to that wedding ,kids first and foremost, im sure you'll not regret it 😁

Decline politely
You can always meet up separately when it's convenient for you
I would think you're not the only ones to decline so do it asap

So, have you declined?

Of course you are not being unreasonable op and I say this as someone who had a destination wedding albeit very low key.
If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. The fact that it is term time speaks volumes too.
Just stick with its during exam season so it’s a definite no from us. Rinse and repeat when necessary.

I disagree. Get your decline in asap. Don’t go into reasons just polite ‘we can’t come - have a wonderful wedding’ and then disengage. Others may well decline in the days and weeks ahead but they should have no bearing on your actions.

Am glad to read your last post
@FamilyNightmares

Zero chance I would go away for anything during my teenagers GCSE or A Level exam periods . You won't know what exams they will have when until much nearer the time and they do need you. Zero chance you can hook them out of school during that period - it's outrageous you sibling thinks you can!!!

Then they are also expecting you to miss your sons 18th birthday?!

And on top of that you can't afford it.

Sheesh it's a no brainier of a No. and anyone trying to bully you into going is complaining at you is well out of order and would be given short shrift if they were my family.

We cannot attend as they have have booked an overseas wedding during school term and exam times for my children & my sons 18th.

I'd be replying once and once only you grandparents that interfere -

" Don't even start as clearly you think we would be happy to be shit parents and behave unlawfully to remove them from school, miss life changing exams they have been working for years towards. Destroy their future ?? What kind of batshit parenting is this? Stop asking we have declined and are unable to attend. Don't show yourselves to be bad grandparents who care so little about (makes of your DC) ... the answer is no and it will not change."

OP - you made the right decision. As others have said you are not allowed to take children out of school during term time. The cost is a burden you could do without, especially now, do these people live in a bubble?

If they've not got exams in those specific days will be away for then they will be frantically revising . And need time to rest.

You'll be feeding them through day and night easy snacks to keep their energy up, listening to fears, helping them revise/testing them when they want to practice, and making sure they drink and wash and get some sleep. It's full on during exams ...

Each of my 2 DCs who have gone through exams gave 100% needed me during GCSE exams and A Levels and as a safe space and ear during down any 'down' time they could get in-between exams.

Zero chance any school would agree to a holiday abroad during this period!! It would Madness to !! 😱

Your sibling who is getting married has been thoughtless and inconsiderate to book it at this time during their niece and nephews exams!!

I'm sure B&G will understand - and if they don't... well they aren't even worth a 2nd thought. Parent first, adult sibling falls way below that.

You are obviously not being unreasonable in wanting to go but it kind of sounds as if you wouldn't want to go regardless, from what you have said they sound selfish and inconsiderate anyway. You have an easy way out as your DC will have exams (although you could find out the dates of these).

I must say though, I didn't find my DS particularly needed me during his exams, he just got on and revised then went to his exams. I went on holiday with some friends during his last week of exams, no dramas. However I really can't imagine one of my immediate family members even considering a wedding abroad during a time me and my family would struggle to attend and that TBH shows that your sibling doesn't really give a shit. Sounds as if they will cause drama regardless.

Fallouts are only what you let them be. If you stay calm, in the right and don't engage with drama then they can't light the fuse and create a dramatic situation. You can't control how other people think/act, only your own actions. Just politely decline with your absolutely valid reasons and then disengage if people behave unreasonably about it.

I agree with @LaDamaDeElche. Just be politely firm, and don't engage. Mute or block if necessary.

Ask school for permission to take kids out for a week, get refused and tell B&G that legally you are unable to attend. If the school says no, send them the evidence. Surely not being asked to be break the law just to attend a wedding.

Get them a lovely present and make your apologies and wish them well.

GCSEs are likely to continue until the 3rd week of June. If your DCs are doing GCSEs they will not be able to miss them. I'm not entirely sure when A Levels end, but it's not much earlier. Say no. You shouldn't have to suffer financially for someone else's big day.

Now's the time to stand up to your parent. You don't owe them a thing. Maybe it's time to say, "Fuck it!" and free yourself from a rather horrible dynamic.

They're going to think you're "awful" no matter what you do, so you might as well do what you want to do. They're unlikely to change their opinion so don't waste time and energy trying to please them.

Good for you. Brave decision but the right one.

As far as I can see, it's not a question of whether you are being reasonable or not. You're not, by the way.

You have school age children and the wedding is during term time. More specifically, you have a child who will be taking their A-levels and the wedding is during exam season.

You simply can't go.

Any family member who doesn't understand this can take a long walk off a short pier.

Don't give it a second's head space. And especially don't worry about what is said about you behind your back. You cannot control what other people say about you in your absence, so best not to even take it into consideration.

If it’s your DC’s 18th could be during A levels. I wouldn’t have left DD even if I was only away for a gap in the middle of the schedule. I would just say, really sorry we can’t leave DC during such an important exam period. And it’s term time so can’t leave other DC and they can’t miss school. Frankly if it was important for you to go should have consulted on the date. Dh went to his cousins wedding abroad without me as was expensive, kids couldn’t miss school etc. maybe that’s an option.

You have good reason not to go. Family comes first, even the cost will disadvantage the whole family. Family is where your loyalty should lie.