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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
christmasgeek · 12/08/2022 15:23

Chances are, in June, 18 yr old will be doing A levels . And even if he's done by that date, what they don't know won't harm them.

Best excuse not to go if I'm honest!

FunkedUp · 12/08/2022 15:30

I had this a few years ago, I declined as soon as I got the invite. The cost was horrendous and I couldn't justify it and that's exactly what I said.
A major argument ensued so I said 'I can't afford it therefore I won't be going but if you're happy to pay then I'll attend, it's not a problem'

Not another word was spoken about it

LittleBearPad · 12/08/2022 15:30

As far as I can see, it's not a question of whether you are being reasonable or not. You're not, by the way.

You have school age children and the wedding is during term time. More specifically, you have a child who will be taking their A-levels and the wedding is during exam season.

Exactly. It is what it is - there’s no way you can go . They may find some of their other guests with children also change their minds…

Purple52 · 12/08/2022 16:41

Just decline. Tell them the dates and costs don’t work. If they REALLY want you there they can change the date and pay for you to go!

I wouldn’t go to anyones holiday wedding (I don’t say wedding abroad as people live in other countries! 🙄) I think it’s REALLY selfish that being invited to a wedding should cost so much money!

& why on earth would everyone want their nearest & dearest on their honeymoon???

Purple52 · 12/08/2022 16:42

…. They don’t want YOU … they want people to make an exhibition to.

singingintheshower · 12/08/2022 16:53

A Levels is arguably the most important year of your DC life! My DD sat hers this year (7th to 24th June, 3 solid wks of exams, one wk she had 4 exams. Some exams began before the May half term for different subjects. She spent all of May half term revising - obviously) Exam contingency day was 29th June. She also had to decide by June 8/9th which Unis she was choosing for Firm/Insurance places etc. No way in the world I'd have dreamt of going ANYWHERE that month (not even in UK for a weekend, all our plans were on hold) as I wanted to be on hand to make sure DD ate properly/got some sleep/wasn't too anxious etc. It was SUCH a stressful month! Your relatives are CFs for even assuming you would be able to attend their wedding during this month!! Plus your DC 18th Birthday - aren't they celebrating after exams with all their friends/haven't they got tons of plans? Don't you want to treat DC to potentially last (cheap/out of sch holidays) family holiday before Uni/college etc?? Which you won't be able to afford to do if you attend this expensive wedding? Does your 18 year old even want to come? Family weddings/holidays can be very boring etc etc for this age group. Politely decline - your DC is far more important.

GrumpyMummy123 · 12/08/2022 17:21

I'll admit I didn't really notice a few people that were missing from our wedding lol! Too busy enjoying the day. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to put anyone out too much.

The only thing that annoyed me was people that accepted but didn't turn up as it still cost us money and could have invited someone's else instead of having empty places and a couple of half empty tables which was a shame for the others on those tables.

Decline early so you're not part of the planning and it's their problem for not taking guests into account when planning!

PKT729 · 12/08/2022 17:32

I’ve pretty much read most of the comments and OP’s posts, so I understand where she’s coming from. I’m a mother myself and not only would I be refusing to go, I would have said it would have been cheaper to stay at home and do the wedding at a nearby venue, that way everyone could attend. Plus staying home OP doesn’t need to worry about the airline cancellation and flight delay issues that are going on right now. This is not OP’s fault for needing to stay home and being there for her child. The golden child aka the spoiled brat, can make up all of the excuses for why OP couldn’t come. Reality is, OP’s kid is turning 18 and has finals and may need their parents nearby.

Cakeorchocolate · 12/08/2022 17:48

Glad to see the post has helped you see you are sane!

If golden child was a sibling worth spending a fortune to attend their wedding, they would have considered needing to do school hols to accommodate family.

Absolutely right to say no. Stick to your guns though! Don't be bullied into going along with it.

SpringIntoChaos · 12/08/2022 19:16

You don't even need an excuse...you simply say no. I just don't understand why there's always so much anxiety about these things. State your facts simply in a manner that lets them know that you mean it (you can't afford it!!) and broke no further discussion! Job done!

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/08/2022 21:31

No for various reasons

so sorry we can’t attend due to

your sons 18th

exams

can’t afford it

we wish you the best wedding and look forward to seeing the pics

Bluebellsparklypant · 12/08/2022 23:22

Nuclear fallout as it is a sibling and parent will go ape shit

that's really not ok of the parent, they have not considered you or your children with it being exam time

Crumpleton · 13/08/2022 13:53

I'm guessing your brother or sister is the golden child?

"Yep."

Crack on with your own life.

For as long as there is a favorite in the family that family is never going to be a 100% happy family.

savethatkitty · 16/08/2022 11:49

Just say no. Simples. Send a nice gift to make up for your lack of attendance. Family should understand, not demand.

ChimChimeny · 16/08/2022 15:14

I'm really hoping OP comes back to say they've declined 🤞🏻

LittleOwl153 · 16/08/2022 15:25

If it helps 2022 exam period was 15th May to 28th June... would imagine 2023 will be similar...

stacyvaron · 07/12/2022 21:45

I can't imagine why you would even consider going.
Sending your regrets and a lovely card is perfectly acceptable.

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 02/04/2023 23:35

Just don’t! Yoi must prioritize your own family priorities. Wish them well but stay at home.

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