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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 09/08/2022 10:43

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:39

I'm guessing your brother or sister is the golden child?

Yep.

I'm pretty sure they picked this date as it was a bit cheaper and they could get this week. I'm pretty sure they know it is my DC's 18th and school, but assume that because they are much more important than anyone else, it is irrelevant.

I'm pretty sure if we don't go the relevant facts about it being term time and a significant birthday will be removed when the drama is recounted to anyone who'll listen.

FUCK'EM OP! Seriously, why are you even considering giving in to all this shite?

Gazelda · 09/08/2022 10:43

Decline. Thank them for the invite, but explain that it's not possible to because of exams.

If parent creates falls through, remind her/him once that your DC's exams are important and that meant you couldn't attend the wedding.

Then just ignore any nonsense.

Number109 · 09/08/2022 10:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CruCru · 09/08/2022 10:44

Honestly? Your child can’t go abroad during the month of their A levels. It’s weird to even consider that this might be possible.

BUT please decline RIGHT NOW. The wedding is ten months’ away. If you faff about then you risk the bride and groom having to pay for your places (which they may justifiably be cross about).

If people get shitty with you for not going, just don’t speak with them for a while. Getting shitty won’t move the A levels - it may be that this bunch have learnt that tantrumming gets them what they want.

babyboybabygirl · 09/08/2022 10:44

Students have to be available for exams up until 30th June in case any are rescheduled. Your sons school will send you a letter saying this probably early next year so that’s your reason not to go.

Merryoldgoat · 09/08/2022 10:46

Honestly, it sounds like you’d be better off with minimal contact.

Decline with zero guilt.

NiqueNique · 09/08/2022 10:46

You’ve got to resolve to not care about the fallout. I get that it’s very hard not to care but that is the only solution.

So your parent will recount a load of crap to anyone who’ll listen. Does that actually matter? No. Do those people actually factor in your life in any meaningful way? No. So detach from it and stop letting that notion have any hold over you. These people don’t matter nearly as much as your own children and their wellbeing do.

Of course you can’t attend this wedding and of course you’re not being unreasonable to decline. Be adamant about it, and ignore any pushback.

Flowers I know this dynamic is very difficult to cope with.

Original poster
FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:47

it may be that this bunch have learnt that tantrumming gets them what they want.

Pretty much, yes. And it is hard when you are one person, who is in the right, but you are up against a few of them who all close ranks.

OP posts:
greatblueheron · 09/08/2022 10:47

Just decline.

It's your money and your holiday time, which you get to decide how to spend, not someone else. Not to mention your teen will be doing exams. It's an easy 'no'. Block your family for a while if they kick off. They are the unreasonable ones, not you.

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 10:47

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:19

Do they decline though Wavey? When we initially pushed back on it due to cost we were told "everyone else has accepted and doesn't have a problem with the cost". None of them are loaded. They all have average jobs.

I can't quite see that myself.

"That's lovely for them, but WE have a problem with the cost. We cannot afford it, & I cannot change that fact so let's leave it there - do you want ham or cheese in your sandwich?"

Quia · 09/08/2022 10:47

You're entitled to say you can't go during the exam period anyway. Even if your children don't have exams on those exact dates, they need your support and supervision while they revise.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2022 10:48

Nuclear fallout as it is a sibling and parent will go ape shit

But why, if you don't have a close relationship with the B&G?

Anyway it hardly matters; golden child or not, nobody can force you to go and the "excuses" - not that you need them - are completely valid

Original poster
FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:49

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.
Add message

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 09/08/2022 10:50

Don't feel guilt tripped into going. If your family live overseas they may not understand the importance of A levels, but it's simply not negotiable.

Just decline, and if they kick off just don't engage. Mute the chats until they calm down.

BarrelOfOtters2 · 09/08/2022 10:50

Decline, plan something lovely with your family. Don't give it any more headspace.

luckylavender · 09/08/2022 10:50

Definitely don't go. No question.

camperjam · 09/08/2022 10:51

Definitely decline. If it all kicks off block them and enjoy the peace

BaconMassive · 09/08/2022 10:51

Surely exams trump everything, even weddings.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2022 10:51

Wow that is incredibly myopic! Booking their wedding during exams and on your ds’s 18th! Even if he’s finished his exams, he’s going to want to go out and possibly get pissed. I wouldn’t want to be leaving him home alone until after the celebrations have died down. How about something along the lines of:

Your wedding sounds amazing. I bet you can’t wait and it really sounds unmissable! Ds would also love to celebrate his 18th birthday on x date with his family alongside your wedding. That would be a wedding, birthday and holiday for us all to remember! Unfortunately he has (A levels / other exams) in June. The dates have not yet been been released. Due to covid we have been told students are required to be available for the whole of June to sit exams in case of changes. We are sure you will understand we cannot attend when his future is at stake. We wish you all the very best and hope you have a lovely wedding.

GlitterB0mb · 09/08/2022 10:51

YANBU. If the B&G aren't expecting people to decline a wedding abroad they are delusional. You don't needa reason to decline an invite, but exams are a pretty good one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2022 10:51

I’m also the scapegoat btw…

Cognacsoft · 09/08/2022 10:52

When my dn got married abroad it was dd's 18th.
Also term time.

I wanted to go as it was a country I hadn't visited.
I wasn't under any pressure to do so though.

Dh and I decided that I would go and he would stay home.
Grandparents felt bad about dd birthday and me leaving her so she got given a large financial gift and told me she was pleased I went away as she massively gained from it.
I threw a party for her when I got back.

Would you go on your own?
If not just say no. If parents are annoyed that's their problem.

luckylavender · 09/08/2022 10:52

This is the time you decide whether to put your DC or your sibling first.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/08/2022 10:52

Decline!

if there’s a fallout, tough. For them I mean.

The sibling has caused this by having such an expensive wedding at such an awkward/ inconsiderate time.

WhatIsModeration · 09/08/2022 10:53

GetOffTheRoof · 09/08/2022 10:25

Fuck them. Let them go nuclear.

You can't magic up the money for it, your kid has exams around then - revision sessions even if not they exams yet, and the cost of basic living is about to go mental.

Just because other people can afford it doesn't mean you can.

Couldn't have put it better!