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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 09/08/2022 13:15

“They invited you knowing you’d decline”

^I agree with this

CPL593H · 09/08/2022 13:19

So let your parent go nuclear. What are they going to do? Ground you? Stop your pocket money? Turn the wifi off?

Seriously, have no truck with the drama OP. Let them think you're awful.

PeekAtYou · 09/08/2022 13:19

I would not book a holiday in June for a year 13 child.

even if you liked the bride and groom, it's a bulletproof reason not to be able to attend.

AlisonDonut · 09/08/2022 13:21

The problem with this is if you do go just you, whatever you do will be wrong for whatever reason. Wrong flight, wrong hotel, wrong dress, wrong starter, wrong to call your kids at the wrong time, yada yada yada.

You have two perfect reasons [not excuses]. Use them.

Italiangreyhound · 09/08/2022 13:22

FamilyNightmares don't go. Reply early, and firmly. Wish them well. It's your life and you cannot live it for others.

Ohtoberoavingagain · 09/08/2022 13:22

What your other relatives do and how they pay for it is their concern, some people are happy to put stuff on credit cards and pay it off 1,2,5 years from now.
Polite refusal. We have to decline due to the cost and family events at that time including X exams. Our thoughts will be with you, of course, wishing you a wonderful day. Then don’t get into any discussions with parents, bride, groom, anyone.

Marvellousmadness · 09/08/2022 13:23

Stop making such a fuzz
Just decline for kids/school reasons

Who cares about the nuclear fall out. Sounds like good riddens anyway.

Original poster
FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 13:29

Ok, thx everyone. I know I will be gaslit about this so this thread was kind of a poll to make me see that IANBU.

When you have more than one person getting upset at you it is easy to question your own sanity.

I am now happy and secure in my decision that we are not going and when there is fallout, it’s their problem as their decisions basically excluded us from attending. They can’t justify any bad feeling.

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 09/08/2022 13:29

If they arranged the dates at a time when your children have exams and a major birthday then

-either they don't care much about things that matter to your family... and so won't miss you at their wedding.

You need not attend

-they love you very much - can see how expensive the trip will be for you - so have organised the wedding at a time when you have a perfect reason not to attend.

You need not attend.

-they really hate you - know that you will feel obliged to attend and so have arranged things to be as difficult as possible for you.

Don't attend - they might poison you!

drspouse · 09/08/2022 13:35

Brented · 09/08/2022 10:05

It’s term time, that’s the only reason you need!

Exactly.

Qik · 09/08/2022 13:36

I would send my apologies and perhaps the British Ambassador in my place if he or she is available.

BobDear · 09/08/2022 13:38

Decline in writing.

And start it by saying "I'm sure you won't be surprised that we are unable to attend...." This way you are showing how absolutely out of the question it is from the get go.

You can mention that on top of the huge cost that you CAN'T AFFORD, you will be facing potential school fines but more importantly exams. And I WOULD mention milestone birthday. Put it all in there - make them see how unreasonable it is.

PancakesWithCheese · 09/08/2022 13:41

The dynamics of the relationship are not going to change because you’ve attended the wedding.

Also, if you get married abroad, you’ve got to expect that people won’t be able to attend, regardless of who they are.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 09/08/2022 13:42

I'm glad you've taken that decision, @FamilyNightmares, it's the right one for you and your family. Given that the 18th birthday is the same week as you would have been at the wedding, might you not couch your refusal in terms of: "Oh, such a shame we won't be able to make it because of term-time/DC's very important exams, it would have been so lovely to have been able to celebrate DC's 18th birthday with everybody attending the wedding and to have given them a holiday as a present!" They're not to know you'd rather put a hot poker up your nether regions than join them and that way it politely turns it on them for choosing a term-time date, if you see what I mean? Of course, you'd be hoist by your own petard if they say they'll change the date to accommodate you..

SafferUpNorth · 09/08/2022 13:42

Expensive destination wedding + term time + you have school-age kids... how on earth could they ever EXPECT you to go?! A polite "I'm so sorry, as you've probably already guessed, it doesn't suit us to attend. We'll raise a glass to you on the day" should suffice. Don't let them gaslight you.

Lordofmyflies · 09/08/2022 13:46

I'd reply to the invite simply saying that you are sorry but you are unable to attend and wish them a lovely day. its fairly obvious that anyone with kids is not going to be able to take time out to go abroad in June!
My Brother had the same idea - wedding in Antigua in early July. We politely declined as I wasn't prepared to take kids out of school. As did other family. He ended up moved the wedding to a UK venue as no-one could attend the overseas wedding. Its a risk they took.

AbleCable · 09/08/2022 13:46

From experience with very unreasonable people - it wouldn't matter if you DID go. They would find fault with you for something else, and you would be the worst in the world regardless.
At least by saying no now, they'll go mad but it will eventually die back to snide comments. If you say yes, something else will cause problems - a week away with people you don't get on with is a pressure cooker at the best of times.

Viviennemary · 09/08/2022 13:49

If you are going to decline the invitation you shoikd do it asap. Too many reasons to decline apart from tje ciost.

diddl · 09/08/2022 13:49

Doubtless they won't have realised that it's term time/would have paid for you or lent you the money/you could have celebrated the 18th there!

Some people always have an answer!

If parents want "happy families" all the time-they need to not have a favourite!

It's perfectly reasonable not to attend a wedding abroad-even if it is your sibling!

hoorayandupsherises · 09/08/2022 13:54

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 13:29

Ok, thx everyone. I know I will be gaslit about this so this thread was kind of a poll to make me see that IANBU.

When you have more than one person getting upset at you it is easy to question your own sanity.

I am now happy and secure in my decision that we are not going and when there is fallout, it’s their problem as their decisions basically excluded us from attending. They can’t justify any bad feeling.

Go OP!

Eunorition · 09/08/2022 13:56

You've now got hundreds in school fines to consider on top of the cost.

Should have just said no from the start. You can't obliterate all this money on people you barely even know. And I wouldn't even do it for those that I did. It's my money and I don't spend it on stupid shit :)

If they give you hassle, they're just showing off what dicks they are. Hang up the phone.

UggyPow · 09/08/2022 13:58

If your child is 18 I presume they are doing A levels, if so there is a particular date that they have to be available until. This year it was the Thursday 24th June this is in case any exams need to be rescheduled due to emergencies - this is on top of whether your child actually has exams until the end.
Personally I wouldn’t consider being away when my child was sitting exams & this should be enough of a reason not to attend - let alone the money involved

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 09/08/2022 13:59

Tell them you aren't going and they'll have to deal with it

NeedAHoliday2021 · 09/08/2022 13:59

Just be breezy:

”so exciting you’ve got plans underway. Really sorry we won’t be there as dc will have school and exams but we will be with you in spirit and wish you a fabulous day.”

keep it clear. Any comeback “oh yes it’s so hard to find a date that works for everyone. We’ll look forward to seeing the photos!” Big smile.

Comefromaway · 09/08/2022 14:01

The A level exam dates will be given later than usual for next year according to AQA website. Not until the autumn.

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